Sex, love, or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sex, love, or what?
20
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:07pm
I have a problem reconciling in my own head what my affair is about. Is it sex? That’s certainly how it started. Hot sex, too. And continues to be. In stairwells, in cars, in empty offices. It started on a business trip (I’ll bet a lot of them do) where too much alcohol was consumed by all. We flirted, we kissed, we had phone sex.



I was caught with my guard down. I’ve been married 25 years and I love my husband and our kids. Things are really good for us right now. But, I had changed jobs and we moved about 1000 miles from home. I still miss my friends, and I was bored and lonely. Bad combination, leading to a bad decision. I leaped. And now it’s been about 4 months of catch-as-catch-can lunches and quickies with a couple of hotel room visits to keep it “legitimate.” What a strange word to use, but it makes sense to me.

But now I find myself wanting more, wanting that feeling you get, those butterflies, when you’re newly in love. How stupid is that? Is it just that I’m female, and we’re programmed to associate sex with love? We’re not allowed to just have a physical experience, and I’m rationalizing it by thinking it’s something deeper? I like him, but he’s married too and that was part of the “permission,” that there was no danger because no one was leaving anyone, period.

I went to a link

http://www.wordscapes.net/types-of-affairs.htm#affairs

that defines the types of affairs, and ours falls into the “sensual” category. So, why can’t I just relax and enjoy it as long as it lasts? Why do I have this immature need for love? Is it just conditioning and expectations, that men give love for sex, and women give sex for love? Am I alone on this, does anyone else have this problem? Do guys have it too?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:00pm
I guess I should mention that I'm new to this board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:20pm
My A began because I had low self-esteem and I couldn't believe anyone would desire me. My own H didn't seem to desire me. He just liked having me around like a security blanket. Anyway, OM and I have been together since Oct of last year. After we made love the first time we both agreed that this was purely sex and we loved our spouses. I fell in love with him about two months into our relationship. About a month after that he told me that he was in love with me. He keeps trying to break it off because he feels it's wrong to have an A. I agree but I love him and can't let go. We have had a "last" time twice now. I think he loves me but he won't say it anymore. He says it's easier if it's just sex and not love. If you love someone I don't think that not saying I love you makes anything easier. Either you love each other or not. I would be with this man forever if I could. He says he doesn't want a divorce. He feels he wouldn't be happy. He also feels it will deeply hurt his daughter. I fully understand and don't pressure him to divorce. I love the time we have together but of course it's never enough. The sex is amazing but I believe it is because when we make love he looks deep into my eyes. He says he can't get deep enough inside of me. When he holds me close he can't seem to get me close enough. If the affair is just about sex I think it wouldn't last very long. I know I haven't helped you but you have helped me. This is the first time I have told anyone my feelings. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:30pm
I'm glad to be the one who helped you share your feelings for the first time. And if you two fell for each other naturally, that's great. It is different from what I'm experiencing, but I hope it works out for you, and that you end up happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:17pm
I'm sort of at that crossroads, but I'm trying my best to keep my heart out of it. Our A started very much all about sex, but it quickly grew into a very strong friendship. Now it is much more about friendship than sex. He's had a lot of crap happen to him this last month that I've helped be supportive about. He hasn't talked about how his wife has reacted to his problems, but by the nature of them, I'm sure she hasn't been a happy camper.

But that's where A reality and M reality differ. Whereas I can be positive, tell him everything will turn out okay, and be a shoulder for him to cry on, my reaction would probably be different if I were married to him. I don't have to deal with the negative consequences of the actions he did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:05pm
That's pretty accurate - I don't think I'd want to HIS wife. The qualities that make him attractive as a lover might be a real drag if he were my husband. Still, I find myself drawn in, trying to make a "traditional" love affair where there is really no call for one.

So, I'm trying to get it straight for myself. I don't want to end up hurt, and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm just so stuck in the desire for passionate romance, that I only see a fairy-tale ending. And that sure ain't gonna happen...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:14pm
I'm so with you on that one, sky cat. I haven't seen, how long have you been with MM?

Me, it has been 4 months, 3 of them *intense* where we were together for several hours a day almost every day of the week (including weekends). I've gotten to the point in our R where it seems like we should be disscusing "us" and how we fit in, but I'm fighting that feeling because, like the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for". I've had a break for a month of not seeing him in person. I'm a little afraid of what is going to happen when we do get together because we've built upon our intense beginnings into this huge friendship thing.

It's like I want him to fall in love with me, but when I think about it, that would make our situation sooo complicated.

I think in this case, things would be better just where they are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:24pm
Thanks for asking - I've known him since I moved here, about a year and a half. We started up just before Christmas, on a work trip where we both had too much to drink. It started as just sex talk and fooling around, but progressed pretty quickly to lust and beyond. When we're together, it's like the rest of the world falls away, we're like kids again. We neck on the street, fool around in the car. We brazenly go to restaurants when we're each supposed to be somewhere else. Yet we promised never to leave our spouses, that was the one ground rule before we ever consummated.

But I also want him to fall in love with me, even though it would be a terrible thing. I think we're programmed that way, I honestly do. Why can't I just live in the moment, enjoy it while it lasts, no regrets? Why do I make myself want something more, something I don't even need?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:21pm

Hi sky cat and welcome,


By the sounds of things... you are still only new in this affair... that always amplifies things and you are still learning to deal with the emotions that come along with it.


I am a big believer that men and women do think differently... and even if a woman started out an affair as sex... her mind and her beliefs will no doubt turn towards love... maybe not for all... but for most.


I've been in my affair for going on 4 years... and intially although starting out as friends... it was based purely on a sexual level... however... 4 years... and I just knew that things for me would change... it's just a natural progression.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:34pm
Hi Sky cat. I'm am completely on the same page as you. MM and I also started around December and it was friendship for about a year first, then flirting, than lust and sex, but the flirting to sex moved quickly as we were both very attracted. Now I'm in deep with my feelings and I want him to care about me as much as I care about him. I want him to love me too. I don't know if it is a woman thing and we feel the need to be loved. My H loves me, he loves me so much, but right now, I just want MM to love me. I don't know how to advise you how to deal with it because I'm dealing with it daily. I told him I cared about him tremendously but he didn't respond. I'd probably freak him out if I told him I loved him, but I don't yet and I don't want to, but I'm so close. We never talked about our expectations going into this and in the beginning he would joke around saying we would have to get divorced and marry each other. We're different ethnicities and he would talk about how our mixed baby would look. Now he never refers to a future together ever. Maybe that's how he reeled me in. He never talks about emotions now either, where in the beginning he would tell me he had feelings for me, so I struggle daily with my feelings for him and struggle with wanting to know what his true feelings for me are. It's so hard b/c I see him everyday at work and have lunch with him and other coworkers daily. So the best advice I can give you is don't fall in love, don't get in too deep, and don't want more because you'll probably end up getting hurt. I know easier said than done, but really really try because I wouldn't wish this frustration and pain I suffer on anyone. Take care and welcome to the board.

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:53am
Hi everyone, about the sex, love or what? My A has gone on for over 2 years now. Its supposed to be a sex only A. Well on my part, I do have feelings for him. As a woman, how can we not? I think its almost impossible for us to have a R that long and not feel something for the person.

Are those feelings reciprocated? My MM has never said the "L" word to me, nor me to him. We have admitted to the other that we have fond feelings for each other. He has said this would never have gone on so long if it were only for sex and he had no feelings for me.

Although we really don't talk about our feelings for each other, I do take some comfort in the fact that he contacts me as much as he can. When I am with him, he treats me really well and has only concern for my enjoyment. If he had no feelings for me, why would he care? It would be "wham, bam thank you mam".

I think Sky, even though you are not getting the words you want to hear, pay attention to the body language and how you feel when you are together. This will tell you what you want to know, the unspoken feelings.

Dusty
xxxx

Pages