Sex, love, or what?
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| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:07pm |
I was caught with my guard down. I’ve been married 25 years and I love my husband and our kids. Things are really good for us right now. But, I had changed jobs and we moved about 1000 miles from home. I still miss my friends, and I was bored and lonely. Bad combination, leading to a bad decision. I leaped. And now it’s been about 4 months of catch-as-catch-can lunches and quickies with a couple of hotel room visits to keep it “legitimate.” What a strange word to use, but it makes sense to me.
But now I find myself wanting more, wanting that feeling you get, those butterflies, when you’re newly in love. How stupid is that? Is it just that I’m female, and we’re programmed to associate sex with love? We’re not allowed to just have a physical experience, and I’m rationalizing it by thinking it’s something deeper? I like him, but he’s married too and that was part of the “permission,” that there was no danger because no one was leaving anyone, period.
I went to a link
http://www.wordscapes.net/types-of-affairs.htm#affairs
that defines the types of affairs, and ours falls into the “sensual” category. So, why can’t I just relax and enjoy it as long as it lasts? Why do I have this immature need for love? Is it just conditioning and expectations, that men give love for sex, and women give sex for love? Am I alone on this, does anyone else have this problem? Do guys have it too?

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But that's where A reality and M reality differ. Whereas I can be positive, tell him everything will turn out okay, and be a shoulder for him to cry on, my reaction would probably be different if I were married to him. I don't have to deal with the negative consequences of the actions he did.
So, I'm trying to get it straight for myself. I don't want to end up hurt, and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm just so stuck in the desire for passionate romance, that I only see a fairy-tale ending. And that sure ain't gonna happen...
Me, it has been 4 months, 3 of them *intense* where we were together for several hours a day almost every day of the week (including weekends). I've gotten to the point in our R where it seems like we should be disscusing "us" and how we fit in, but I'm fighting that feeling because, like the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for". I've had a break for a month of not seeing him in person. I'm a little afraid of what is going to happen when we do get together because we've built upon our intense beginnings into this huge friendship thing.
It's like I want him to fall in love with me, but when I think about it, that would make our situation sooo complicated.
I think in this case, things would be better just where they are.
But I also want him to fall in love with me, even though it would be a terrible thing. I think we're programmed that way, I honestly do. Why can't I just live in the moment, enjoy it while it lasts, no regrets? Why do I make myself want something more, something I don't even need?
Hi sky cat and welcome,
By the sounds of things... you are still only new in this affair... that always amplifies things and you are still learning to deal with the emotions that come along with it.
I am a big believer that men and women do think differently... and even if a woman started out an affair as sex... her mind and her beliefs will no doubt turn towards love... maybe not for all... but for most.
I've been in my affair for going on 4 years... and intially although starting out as friends... it was based purely on a sexual level... however... 4 years... and I just knew that things for me would change... it's just a natural progression.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
ibc
Are those feelings reciprocated? My MM has never said the "L" word to me, nor me to him. We have admitted to the other that we have fond feelings for each other. He has said this would never have gone on so long if it were only for sex and he had no feelings for me.
Although we really don't talk about our feelings for each other, I do take some comfort in the fact that he contacts me as much as he can. When I am with him, he treats me really well and has only concern for my enjoyment. If he had no feelings for me, why would he care? It would be "wham, bam thank you mam".
I think Sky, even though you are not getting the words you want to hear, pay attention to the body language and how you feel when you are together. This will tell you what you want to know, the unspoken feelings.
Dusty
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