Sex, love, or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sex, love, or what?
20
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:07pm
I have a problem reconciling in my own head what my affair is about. Is it sex? That’s certainly how it started. Hot sex, too. And continues to be. In stairwells, in cars, in empty offices. It started on a business trip (I’ll bet a lot of them do) where too much alcohol was consumed by all. We flirted, we kissed, we had phone sex.



I was caught with my guard down. I’ve been married 25 years and I love my husband and our kids. Things are really good for us right now. But, I had changed jobs and we moved about 1000 miles from home. I still miss my friends, and I was bored and lonely. Bad combination, leading to a bad decision. I leaped. And now it’s been about 4 months of catch-as-catch-can lunches and quickies with a couple of hotel room visits to keep it “legitimate.” What a strange word to use, but it makes sense to me.

But now I find myself wanting more, wanting that feeling you get, those butterflies, when you’re newly in love. How stupid is that? Is it just that I’m female, and we’re programmed to associate sex with love? We’re not allowed to just have a physical experience, and I’m rationalizing it by thinking it’s something deeper? I like him, but he’s married too and that was part of the “permission,” that there was no danger because no one was leaving anyone, period.

I went to a link

http://www.wordscapes.net/types-of-affairs.htm#affairs

that defines the types of affairs, and ours falls into the “sensual” category. So, why can’t I just relax and enjoy it as long as it lasts? Why do I have this immature need for love? Is it just conditioning and expectations, that men give love for sex, and women give sex for love? Am I alone on this, does anyone else have this problem? Do guys have it too?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:55am
I be,

Thanks so much for your post. We are sisters in this together. I will be here for you, as you are for me.

My grandmother always told me, "men are temporary; your girlfriends are forever." I guess this is what she meant: women seem able to connect quickly, on a very deep level. We just met, yet I feel for you and you feel for me.

I am struggling with this affair, I just got off the phone with him, trying to make a plan for tonight. Your words are ringing in my head. I keep thinking I should just stop, walk away, but I'm not ready. Not ready to give up the rush, the thrill. But I'm going to try to keep perspective, and live day to day, and not expect more than is possible.

Can you do that with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:06am
Dusty,

We are like kids when we're together. No regard for circumstances, so brazen in our lust. It's really gotten out of hand, someone could easily see us. I'm going to get that under control. That body language, I have no idea how to interpret, except as STUPIDITY.

So, I guess you mean the language when we're alone. It's pretty nice, I must say. He is lusty, but also tender and caring. In that sense, he's the real deal. But he's in his early 50s, and I think he's "that way with all the girls." Which is okay, experience is a good thing. We like eachother, we have fun and laugh a lot. He drinks too much, though. And he probably always has from the looks of things. And the truth is, I would not want to leave my husband, not for OM or anyone else. So why this need for love, for something more? Why do I want to love, and be loved, by both of them? Why am I even asking, I guess it's just the way I'm built. I have always been monogamous, before I was married I never ever saw two guys at the same time. But now, I want both, and I want both to be fairytale. Silly, isn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:16am
Hi Sky, I am here for you whenever you need me. It's funny how we are all strangers but can share the most intimate going ons of our lives with each other. I take this A day by day. I'm not sure how long it will last, and not sure sometimes how he is feeling towards me and trust me Sky, we are going to have some hard days ahead of us. Expectations are one thing, human nature, desire and wants are another thing. I know I should have no expectations of him, other than he treats me with respect, but what do I want? I want him to give me his heart, to share his world with me, and that's the hardest part to deal with, because he hasn't and may never do so. Don't get me wrong, some days are easier than others and it's fun and liek you said the "rush" is so exciting, but it's just those hard days when we need someone to listen to us vent and I'll be here for you if you need that. Sometimes it's hard to relate to others on this board b/c they have been in A's so long and their OM or OW are in love with them. So take care, take it day by day and we'll help each other through this roller coaster.

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:18am
Hugs right back atcha!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:22am
I also have always been monogamous. This is my 1st A. MM is only the 3rd man I've ever slept with (#1 & #2 I married). Anyways, why do we want both men? Because you know something has to be missing from your M or you wouldn't have been tempted to see MM.

I know in my M, sex is missing. We only have it a couple times a year. So far, nothing yet for me this year. H just not interested.

MM on the other hand, VERY interested. And he definitely makes up for what is lacking at home. My situation is opposite of you. It's H who is the heavy drinker that's why no sex. And when I'm with MM, we are both perfectly sober.

And I appreciate the way he tries to make everything great for me when we're together. He is the most considerate, wonderful lover I have EVER had.

I am not IN love with him, however I do think in a way I love him. In a way, I justify it because I am only really sleeping with 1 man right now, MM. H hasn't shown any interest in a long time. The pieces were missing, I needed MM to put the puzzle of my life such as it is, together.

I do know my frustration level has gone way down since getting together with him. He gives me something I really need right now. I guess that's the only way I can describe it.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:26am
Hey now. Don't forget that there are several men on this board who have connected with each other and with the women here. Men are not temporary, only bad men are temporary. Some of us are just as emotionally open and communicative as you are and certainly capable of close friendship.

It must be so difficult to try to keep your feelings in check. I have done that in the past, but at some point I realized the reason I kept seeking out these feelings is a deficiency in my M. I hope that isn't the case with you, but you might want to take some time to explore this and work on your M while it can still be saved. Just a warning from someone who is approaching the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:30am
I agree with Omaha...only bad men are temporary, and I can honestly speak from experience. Sometimes the good ones slip by or leave, but that doesn't immediatly make them bad men. I truly believe Omaha is one of the good ones.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:39am
Omaha,

No offense meant - "some of my best friends are men." Only it's true.

My grandmother was from the Old Country, I translated the saying verbatim. Of course, today, men and women can be friends as they never could in my grandmother's day.

Actually, I think part of the reason this A started was my need for a male friend. I moved to this city a year and a half ago, and I really miss my old crew. I see them a few times a year, and we talk on the phone, but it's just not the same. I worked with my OM, that's how we met, and we were buds until a trip where we went further. We liked each other, kindred spirits, and kind of naturally fell into a sexual relationship beyond the friendship.

But, and it's a big but, no one is leaving anyone over this.

I'm lucky enough to have one man I've shared 25 years with, and I'm not going to throw that away because of this affair. My marriage is good. The affair is my midlife crisis, perhaps. It's only been a few months, and it's my first time. My grandmother would say, che sera, sera.

Sky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 7:06pm
Yes. I have a similar problem. I am married too and the guy I am seeing is also married as well and we work together, we have great sex and he makes me feel more appreciated then my husband ever did in the 4 years we have been married. Reality is kicking in already and your right "NO ONE IS LEAVING ANYONE". I find myself wanting to be with him and I cant stop thinking about him but he is committed to another and I not taking any man's leftovers. When you have extramarital relationships inside the workplace it creates havoc, because you see eachother everyday and already he has a hard-on. I am confused because I find myself starting to get fixated on him and it's really hard when you work together, maybe someone can help me out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:37pm
Hi Sky - this is a great topic! For me, I have been involved almost a year with MM (i too am M) I never thought it would last this long, nor did I expect it at all! We too have great sex, he has taken me to heights I didn't know existed. Man, talk about almost getting caught..seems like it all the time! Cars, offices, parking lots, broad daylight - I think that's part of the fun and excitement of the A. Do I love MM? Absolutly - do I think he loves me - absolutly! Have we ever said it to each other - No Way. That breaks the rules! I fear every day that the A will end and I will go back to my "boring" life! (haha) For me..he brings excitement, companionship and enjoyment to day life/day. We started out as just S - but, over the past year, it's grown much more. As with everyone else...hang on for the ride of your life and enjoy!

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