Sex Without Love Forever?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Sex Without Love Forever?
28
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:16pm
I'm wondering if it's possible for a man to be with a woman over a long period of time and still have no feelings for her other than physical attraction. I know men don't equate sex with love like most women (sorry about the seemingly stereotype, but I think most would agree), but do you think one can have intimate relations with another and not eventually fall?

Just curious as to your thoughts on this.

My MM won't share his feelings. I don't know if it's out of fear, or he doesn't feel anything at all, or for the mere fact that doing so just makes it worse in the long run. My intuition tells me he has feelings for me by the way he looks at me, holds me, and can't stand to be away from me, but today I'm questionning where we stand on an emotional level.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:50pm

Hi bhappy,


I think it depends on the man... some men can just be in it for the sex... but you can usually tell whether it's just sex from what else they give to you.


MM and I have been involved for going on 4 years now... for me... it was just a natural progression to love him... however I never feel that I'm in

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 6:29am
If you figure out the answer to this, let me know! My MM and I have never said the words either. I think he gives me what he can and that deep down, although he doesn't say it..he does love me. I believe you can tell, by the way they touch you, the intimate moments, look at you, the vm's etc. I think even men (after 9+ mos, we see each other about 2x a week) can't be in this all for sex?? Maybe some, but not all. Who knows??
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:23am
I think the actions speak louder than words. I am always wondering the same thing about my MM, we've been seeing each other over 2 years now. Usually 1x a week, but he emails almost every workday.

I think they just can't verbalize how they feel. Maybe its not exactly "love" but there has to be some feelings of affection there. In my case, its kind of a hassle for him to get over to see me, but still he does it. If it was only for the sex, I think he could easily find someone closer to him that would be more convenient.

But on the other hand, I don't think you can expect statements of undying love. One of our only arguments we had near the beginning of this, he said to me "what do you expect, me to say I LOVE you while we are having sex?" I said no, I do not expect him to lie to me. But since then, he has said he is fond of me, that's good enough for me.

After all I don't expect him to leave W, and I don't expect to leave H. We just give each other something we need, and that is physical attention and affection during that time. And I think over the amount of time, wouldn't it be pretty cold of someone to not develop even the slightest feelings for you? I think in that case, you wouldn't have lasted so long.

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:38am
When I read posts like this, it makes me sad. Primarily because I know it is true. So many men never learned how to show or even recognize their own feelings. They mask any emotions to protect themselves from getting hurt. But they end up going through their lives without ever really living. What good is life without love?

It also seems to me that a high number of MM involved in A's tend to be this way also. I don't know if it is just because so many men are or if these type of men are more likely to have A's. I would say that all of these men likely do have feelings for each of you, but they are unable and unwilling to admit it even to themselves. I know in my case, I told my OW I loved her before I ever was intimate with her and I said it before she did. I'm very comfortable with my feelings. I guess the only advice I would offer any women who would ask is to avoid jumping into a relationship with guys like this unless you're comfortable living your life with someone who won't show how he feels. Having an A with them is one thing, but don't leave your current relationship and expect this man to suddenly open up to you. People don't usually change this, no matter how hard you try to get them to open up. I learned this the hard way with my W who doesn't seem to want or need to express how she feels. That is the primary reason my M is ending.

I guess I'm hoping that by raising my two sons as good, healthy, feeling human beings I can contribute to the solution. But I see so many boys who are being raised just as their fathers were. So if you have a son or two or three, please take the time to make sure they learn how to recognize and express how they feel. Don't worry about whether this will make it harder for them to fit in. They will be better for it in the long run. And maybe we can reduce a lot of other problems like bullying and violence towards women. I know, I'm way too optimistic. But a guy can dream can't he?

Good luck in all your relationships ladies. These MM are giving you something you need right now I'm sure. Just know that you all deserve more than this. I hope you can all find it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:57am

hey omaha - AMEN!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 10:06am
Omaha, thanks...

I have a 10 yr old son who I am trying to raise with little input form his father...

That might change now that MinneSNOWta is talking about linking time spent with a child with child support...seems since the first article in our local paper he's initiated spending time with our son now...after a year when he spent a total of 6 days with him...

I hate that it's all about money with him.

I'm trying to raise my child as a compassionate caring young man, and if I don't kill him during this pre-pubescent stage, he should be able to voice his feelings when he's older...

My "MM" is very emotional and loving, and shows it...AND says it...and except for the fact that he's married to another, is a great role model for my son...

Thanks for giving us all your input, it's really appreciated...

~Laurie~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 10:32am
I second that. While the majority of us does, in fact, have problems verbalizing our feelings (myself included) we are quite capable of showing them - when we have them, that is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 10:38am
Omaha...have we told you lately how much we love you???

(((HUGS)))

Thanks for the incredible insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:10am
This intuition thing gets you in trouble all the time doesn't it?? For a long time my OM would not admit anything to me bcoz for him I was another man's wife. But I knew better... lol. Just be patient with this one, for some men its the circumstance than anything else like emotions that holds them back. I didn't get it for a long time, but I do now. Good Luck!


Edited 3/4/2004 11:35:52 AM ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:26am
I always "felt" something w/ MM and I came to the conclusion that he didn't know how to deal with his emotions. We discussed it because I'd feel him pull away. He said he didn't know why he did that and so I just let it go. EMA on and off for 2 years and now we're just good friends, best friends. We love each other as best friends. Now that that has been established he told me that he holds back with me (which is what I felt). I felt that he did have feelings for me, whether it be love, fondness, or whatever, but then I wondered if he did love me I'd "know" it. So I was confused too until he said he feels the need to "hold back" with me. I told him I hold back too, but I'm not as good at it as he is. If I let the dam go and let my feelings flow freely it would be so easy to fall in love with him, which I caught myself doing, and it scared the crap out of me. So we're good friends, I talk to him about getting into new Rs (now that he's an OM ... getting divorced) and we're okay with that. As good friends I want him to be happy and I can't give him what he needs/wants in a R. I feel kinda sad about it, but am glad we're still friends and we love each other as friends.

Hope this helps. I understand there are seven types of love in Italian and only one "love" in English. Love in EMAs is another type of love, perhaps best described in another language altogether.

Luvin

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