Sexual Incompatibility

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sexual Incompatibility
9
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:39am
Anyone on this board driven to their EMA because of a sexual incompatibility with H or W? Because of a connection you feel to MM or MW that you don't have with H or W? This would be emotional and physical.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:47am
I wasn't driven into my EMA because of sexual incompatibility. Sexual boredom perhaps - as one of many other factors. But it is true to say that MM and I have a connection with each other that I have never experienced elsewhere - and it extends into the bedroom. When I am with MM (or even just talking on the phone/mailing) I have a sexual confidence I didn't think possible of myself. When having sex with MM I am more adventurous, experimental, excited by new ideas, suggest stuff ... this just isn't me in my M - and never was, even before the boredom set in. I wasn't a prude, but just a little mouse in bed. With MM I am taking charge ! :-)

So yes, we have a connection which transcends many levels - but a strong part of it is sexual.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:56am
My A was definitely driven by sexual incompatability between me and H. In the last couple of years, we've only had sex maybe 2-5 times per year and I got to a point where I thought, I am too young to live without it. I will regret being an old woman and thinking about all that I've missed out on in life, you only live once.

Its kind of my fault, I knew it was he was this way before we got married. I guess I thought things would change after we got married. Also he is a really heavy drinker which does not help matters. And of course, nothing changed after the M.

Anyways, MM and I are very compatible as far as sex goes. We have been seeing each other 2-1/2 years now and it just gets better and better. He knows what I like better than anyone else has ever. And gives me exactly what I want. Its heavenly!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:58am
Driven to my EMA by it? Hmm. Let's say that if I were more sexually compatible with my W we would have fewer problems. If my connection and personal energy were more compatible with her, we would also have fewer problems. At this point, any decent reduction in M problems would probably have been enough to keep me on the leash... but...

The OW is my exact sexual match. I honestly can't think of anything sexually I'd change about her, not one tiny thing. And this isn't new, this has been six months online/on the phone w/ 2 visits, then 6 months in the same ZIP code. Without sharing undue details let's just say that we have pretty intense sexual appetites and the buffet is always open...

Emotionally, the OW and I are also incredibly matched. I had gotten so used to having to modify my personality and everything else for my W I forgot how nice it is to be me and feel loved for it. Last night I watched a movie with her, pretzeled up on the couch. Two hours, we never broke contact. I really like that... the W would feel smothered. Our emotional maturity levels are the same, and we're just very, very good together. It would be almost impossible for the W to be as close without a new personality install.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:20am
I was not driven to an EMA because of sexual incompatibility with H since for me sex is not the only way you can connect with anybody. You can connect with touches, glances, hugs and simple caring actions. I know its a little surprising as in the US sexual chemistry is very important for somebody to have while dating somebody. I grew up in a culture where sex was not thought to be very important, but something that can be learned, adjusted according to your partners needs. I have known sexless but long lasting marriages (without an A) in my family. Nobody gave it a second thought about these people. Since the vibes about sex while growing up was usually - that you don't have sex till you married. Even if it is not the stellar performance in bed if your partner has other endearing qualities it would override the inadequacy. That is how my view of sex was for a long time until till I met MM. Then after that I felt intense attraction to him - still it wasn't the single driving force as my childhood values remained in me. I still adhere to them - I still think having a sexual affair to fix my problems at home is something I still won't ever do. My conscience will not allow that ever. This is not a judgment on others who are in such R's but its my personal stance.


Edited 4/8/2004 10:23 am ET ET by opal_fire
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:37am
My EMA was driven by emotion and not sex. (I've never had sex with MM - in part because we don't live anywhere near each other, and in part because it is a line we have resisted crossing.) MM and I met by chance and it was apparent very early on that we had a strong connection to each other. I've never met anyone that I had so much in common with, that I could talk to so easily, that was so sweet and caring, etc. MM knows me better than I know myself. I know him the same way. My H is a great person, but he's not an emotional person. We are great friends and work well together running our household and raising our kids. But we just don't have that strong emotional connection. H just isn't "built" that way.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 8:58pm
I was driven to my EMA because of emotional and sexual incompatability. I have been married 18 years and in my one and only EMA for 9 years.

My MM is my passion. The way he kisses me, holds me and makes me feel alive.

My H is a sweet man and he is gentle and kind. Sadly, he has no passion. He kisses like a wimp. He isn't the "man" in a relationship. How I have wished he would be. But he is the father of my two daughters and I can't seem to break up my family.

So my H and I aren't really sexually incompatible. We are emotionally incompatible. That yields a sex life of boredom and being unfullfilled. My H can't make me feel like my MM does.

I love these message boards. For 9 years I have felt alone. I have felt guilt. I have felt like I can't stay married and I have felt like I can't remain in my EMA. Yet in these posts, I have found wisdom, support and common feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 10:44pm
My H has a strong sexual appetite. So does my MM. Sex with my H can be quite good. In any marriage, you lose that certain "edge" over time. My sex with H generally has been pretty good.

BUT, that's all we have.

I try to think of what else my H and I have in common, and I'm at a loss. We look cute together, we do have some fun hanging out and doing things, but we've never had a whole lot to talk about. Our relationship is very shallow.

With MM, things are very different. He, like H, has a strong sexual appetite. However, we have more than just sex. We understand each other, talk about our problems, we don't judge each other, etc.

Our sex, though, is very, very hot. I would say sex w/MM is the best I've ever had. I think it is because we have this physical AND emotional bond. When we have sex, we are constantly talking to each other, saying dirty things to each other, saying what we love about each other, what is turning each other on, etc.

So I guess I am a "no" to this question. Sex was good with H. But we had nothing else. Now I have the emotional and intellectual connection that I'd wished for, plus great sex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 10:51pm
Wow Rain. Everything you just said rang so true with me. Although I haven't had the joy of sharing a zip code with IS yet, all the other details sound very familiar. We too have spent countless hours on the phone and online with only three visits in the 6 months we've been together. We too are completely sexually compatible and satisfy each other in ways neither of us thought possible. We too are completely emotionally compatible and feel at ease with one another. I also was in a M where I constantly had to change who I was to fit her world and began to resent her and myself for it. IS loves me and respects me and is my biggest fan. I feel the exact same way about her. I am totally myself with her and I already feel she knows me better than anyone else on the planet. Although there are details in our lives that are very different, I have to say I feel you and I are kindred souls. I hope you stick around here for some time to come because I respect your opinions and I feel I can learn a lot from what you have lived through.

Getting to the actual question, I think sexual incompatibility was a problem in my M, but not nearly as big as the emotional incompatibility. I think I could have lived with the difference in sex drive if the bond was there. Unfortunately, we had neither.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 6:14am
How often do guys say they can't get it up with their W ? And wonder if your sex drive is way more than your partner ? There are lots of ways to be intimate. Even through just being there for eachother. I am a very sexual person. I don't think there is any man out there that could match me that way. LOL. But I have to have the emotional part too. I just don't run around having sex. I only make love ! Sweet Love ahhhhhhhhhh!