she's gone forever....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
she's gone forever....
14
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 8:53pm
im a married guy, and just lost my AP after three months of NC. yes yes i know you will all say it is my fault. and you are right. but we loved each other so deeply and passionately and i was inching toward making the big decision. its just so hard with kids, im so afraid my kids will hate me.... so now, after three months, ive discovered that she is gone and with someone else and she isnt coming back or answering my emails. she waited for a year for me to make the move and i know i cant be angry at her but i am devastated and distraught... i think i made the biggest mistake of my life. question for single women out there with APs: if you were my AP, and had been hanging on for a year, and found someone recently to start fresh, without all the complications of an A, would you want me to disappear or would you want me to come out and make the move or to disappear forever? i dont want to mess up her life anymore but i cant live without her. or is this an opportunity for me to make a fresh start with my W, which will simply never never match up to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 9:18pm
I cant really answer you per sae as im married. I know i would have never done to you what your ap did to you. Its plain wrong. If 2 people love one another, then they dont give up and walk away. I would want you to fight for me, to show your love and that you care. Im so sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 10:32pm

Hi souleyes,

I am a SW who was involved with a MM for 3 years. For 3 long years I waited for him to make a move. If I had met a SM and had the opportunity for a fresh start in that period of time you bet I would have gotten rid of him; in a heartbeat. In the end I got fed up of feeling used and coming in second so I got rid of him anyway.

Your AP did the smart thing and put herself first. So please do not contact her and mess up her life again... she deserves better. Focus on either rebuilding your M or getting out of it and facing yourself, alone. Good luck.

trixie

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 10:51pm

Hi Souleyes,


I am now a SW was MW when it started. IMHO I would say if you really want to be with her and only her then you need to figure out why you are still in your marriage. Don't stay because of your children. Prove to her that you do want to be with only her and then when you have gotten out of your marriage see where she stands then. I am seeing a MM and he has children and Im sure is in the same boat as you are. If I found what I have with him with a single man I probably would do the same thing. It gets lonely by yourself :) HTH.. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 12:42am

If you were my affair partner and had me hanging on for a year...and I had


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 12:58am
I am sure it hurt your exAP to move away from you but she had to do what she had to. She probably got tired of waiting and knew the A relationship would eventually falter. The EAS board has some great reading to help heal wounds from this. Also this is the time to decided what you want with your marriage. Good luck;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 1:22am

Lurking here...I'm a MW in an EA with a MM...both "trying" to keep our marriages, and both realizing that all we can be is what we are right now.

Camperchik

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 12:19pm

Sorry you are hurting...it's kind of a novelty around here to see a male perspective, so you'll probably get a lot of responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 12:26pm
i'm sorry you are hurting but i couldn't resist but respond.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 2:44pm

>>>"if you were my AP, and had been hanging on for a year, and found someone recently to start fresh, without all the complications of an A, would you want me to disappear or would you want me to come out and make the move or to disappear forever?"<<<

You have to make a decision that you can be happy with, with/or without an AP waiting around in the wings. Putting all that pressure and responsibility on someone is not right. What happens if she somehow disappoints you? It would then be so easy for you to blame it all on her.

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com


"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 9:22pm
Hey secretme... thanks so much for your thoughtful response. You clearly have been through alot and I appreciate you taking so much time to respond in such detail. Of all the responses I have received here, yours has given me the most food for thought. It is hard to express how much that means to me right now, because the pain I am feeling goes deeper than anything I have ever felt before, and even with a couple of close

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