Shoot! I'm getting emotionally involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Shoot! I'm getting emotionally involved.
14
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:19pm
And worse --> I don't think he is. This A was to be a "little fun", and I'm really finding myself quite enamored w/ my MM. I'm married, too, and he knows my marriage is not in good shape, and he claims to be quite content at home.

It's just frustrating. Has this happened to any of you? Is it more of a "girl" thing to get emotionally attached, whereas men can just enjoy the perks of the A and not get feelings involved?

Now, I just need to keep my trap shut and probably step back a bit. For example, what was going to be a lovely evening next week has just been messed up by my dh's schedule, and I was absolutely deflated to learn we couldn't hook up that night. He was very mellow about it. MEN!!

I guess, I'm feeling like my guy is just such a tough read when it comes to where he stands in this whole relationship...and I really don't want to bring up the discussion. (Yet I'm dying to know!!) **sigh**

Thanks for reading, yall!

Blushing

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:18pm
Hi Blushing

Yes It seems that woman get the emotions involved quick and deep,I think because we tend to associate sex and intamacy at some level of are being(for want of a better word).

Most men seem to think of the sex they get on the side as just that "SEX" and tend to be slower to get emotinaly involved and it seems not as deeply if at all(There are of course exceptions to this statment).

The old saying THAT MEN GIVE EFFECTION TO GET SEX AND WOMEN GIVE SEX TO GET AFFECTION is true if anyone likes it or not, it is part of the basic make up of men and women, it is not a matter of blame just the way we are as a spieces.

I suggest bareing that in mind when dealing with that MM (also bare in mine the old rule that you only can believe 10% of what here less if it is comeing from a MAN).


Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:18pm
Okay, I just read the rules of EMA's, and I supose I'm simply having a hard time accepting that this A is just what it is...an A. Mentally, I think I'm treating it as a regular dating relationship, and unfortunately, I'm feeling so totally insecure as I'm the one in a bad marriage and everything looks greener on the other side of the fence. Oh, and speaking of insecure, did I mention to y'all that socially I have to spend time with his W? So, I see them out together and I have to witness that they actually do enjoy each other's company and sure seem to have a good relationship? Ugh...

Blushing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:51pm
Hi Blushing,

I am in a similar situation. We are both in good marriages, but are currently at a stressful point in our lives (in grad school). It began innocently enough, just talking, and I promised myself I wouldn't let myself become emotionally involved. My rationale was that many women do get emotionally involved and I didn't want to get hurt. It was only supposed to be a physical relationship. Now I find myself thinking about him all the time. Neither of us has any intention of leaving our marriages, yet I can't get him out of my head. I'm afraid to ask him if he thinks about me at any point in time, because I fear the answer. What makes it worse is that I haven't seen him or talked to him because of the holidays.

I don't know if it's that he doesn't want to reveal his feelings to me or if he really doesn't have any emotional involvement at all.

Good luck.

Pug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:16am
I'm right there with you. My guy is the same tough read. I had to re-check your screename for a second, you sounded like you were describing my MM (!). In my defense, I did tell him from the very beginning how extremely high maintenance I am and that he better think twice before getting involved with me. So that's how I rationalize when I over-react emotionally...which is becoming more frequent than I'd like to admit.

I find myself constantly wondering how it is he can abstain from calling, TM'ing, IM'ing when I almost cannot. He says it's not as easy for him to get away as it is for me. That he would raise red flags if he started to do things differently. When I am able to back off a bit he of course does respond to that. But I hate that game. I just want it all and I want it now and I want us to seize the day. I feel like we're on borrowed time.

I too am definitely emotionally involved...darnit!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:44am
Blushing - I just read your post about how you are the one unhappy in your marriage, and that you have to see his W socially, and how hard it is. That is me too! Although I don't know what the heck is going on with mine, I feel so insecure, and don't see that he feels that way. Maybe it's just our perception. But I can totally relate to what you wrote. Just last night I saw OM with his W at a party. First time I had met W. It was not fun to watch, although I did take some pleasure in the fact that she is not nearly as attractive as I thought she would be and that she doesn't seem to have that great of a personality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 11:04am
I can identify with you, too. I am also more emotionally attached to my MM than he is attached to me. We are both married and like Pug said, neither of us has any intention of leaving our marriages, yet I can't get him out of my head.

What makes it worse is that I haven't seen him or talked to him because of the holidays either. His wife, the teacher, has been at home with him for two weeks. Our only contact in the last two weeks has been 4-5 e-mails.

I think women do get more emotionally attached. You may not find out where he stands in this whole relationship anytime soon. As I always tell myself... "Be patient and enjoy your relationship."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 4:04pm
Hi Blushing, I know just how you feel. My SG (I'm married) is such a tough read too. I wanted my A to just be fun but it's getting so complicated. He backs off every time we are together. I finally did get the nerve up to ask him about it and he told me he gets too attached when he has sex and he doesn't want to be a home wrecker. So it's been almost 2 months since our last encounter and he will reply to my calls, e-mails, but he told me he will not pursue me. So now it's not so much fun, but guess what, I am so emotionally involved now I don't know what to do. I talked to him last on Christmas Eve and he told me he was going out of town right after Christmas and would be back after New Years. He said we would get together when he gets back and talk some more. Well, guess what, my H saw him at a gas station last week. My H casually mentioned it to me during our New Years Eve dinner and I had to act uncrushed. It ruined my evening. Another lie! So do I call him and act like I don't know and try to just get this fun again, do I tell him I know he lied to me. I should not be putting up with all the crap he gives me. I also wonder is he really getting attached like he said, or is that a lie too. So, I don't mean to ramble on about me, but your post caught my eye because I didn't want to get emotional and it has changed everything. Ugghh. So good luck to all of us, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 2:27am
I am soooo hearing you!

My MM has always been the same way, never seeming quite as attached as me.

At least, much better at keeping it in check than me.

Yes, I believe women get to that level quicker than men do, it is something we all have to live with, unfortunately.

A's are so full of ups and downs, but just ride the swells, and keep your chin up during the lulls.

:) mfl8
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 2:42am
Adding more, after reading your other posting.

I, too, know my MM's W, actually knew her first.

It is soooo not easy!

But, at least I know that he is not lying to me about how things are with them. That is a good thing, but seeing them together when things ARE good between them is difficult.

Neither one of us has a horrible M, but just bad enough that we ended up finding ourselves together.

Never any intentions of hurting our respective spouses, just needing each other.

keep :}! mfl8

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:17pm
WOW Blushing! I feel like I could have written this post.

My situation sounds so much like yours. My marriage isn't going great (in fact we're planning to separate) and I've started to fall hard for MM. I don't know if he feels the same way or not. We've only been in this A for 2 months and we haven't had IC yet but the attraction between us is so strong. In fact I often worry that one of our spouses will sense it or see something between us that will make them suspicious. You see, we have a very small group of friends we socailize with nearly every weekend and MM & W are among them. Neither of us wants to hurt either of our spouses. In fact we've both tried to end it before things went too far but neither of us can seem to resist the attraction we have to one another. Fortunately for me I guess I know that MM has problems in his m too. He's been married less than a year and I've know about and witnessed their problems since before they were married. He's also told me he felt pressured into marriage but that doesn't help when we are all out together and he is holding her hand or kissing her.

I've been lurking on these boards for awhile but I was never able to get up the courage to post before now. It's nice to see there is someone else out there who is in a situation close to mine. (I was beginning to think everyone was having an A with a coworker.)

jw

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