should I be mad at him??
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should I be mad at him??
| Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:51pm |
My MM and I are supposed to be FWB - and so far we are - very good friends who laugh and have fun, talk, but never about our spouses. I confided in ONE girlfriend (who MM knows) about our relationship - a friend I trust deeply. She suggested we meet at her home instead of mine during the day to make sure we never got caught (several extra bedrooms). My MM said his wife would notice if anything was off - scent, bed covers etc. if we were at his home - and I agree. My husband would too if it were very obvious and if I didn't have time to cover my tracks - and we have only used my place when he was out of town or for something quick. Anyway, to make a long story short, my MM didn't want to meet at my friend's house because he was worried her husband would figure it out and he was a little angry with me for telling this friend - thinking she would at least tell her husband. I don't know if I should be mad like my girlfriend thinks I should be or if I should understand MM's point! I do understand in a way, but how can he be worried about the husband of a friend of mine and not MY own husband finding out?? Why does he have a double standard?
She thinks he is being controlling and I think he has a right to be mad at me for telling - ALTHOUGH I do appreciate the support from her. I think she can see things I can't right now since I WANT this so much! THis is so hard to do without someone to talk to! We are meeting this week and she thinks I should just tell him to forget it - but I don't want to. She is mad at him and I am not. She thinks he is being a jerk and being controlling and not thinking of the risks I am taking for this relationship and only thinking of his own. Does this make sense and does anyone have any opinions? I need to get out of this if I feel like I am being too self-sacrificing - but it is so hard to tell when I WANT it so much!
She thinks he is being controlling and I think he has a right to be mad at me for telling - ALTHOUGH I do appreciate the support from her. I think she can see things I can't right now since I WANT this so much! THis is so hard to do without someone to talk to! We are meeting this week and she thinks I should just tell him to forget it - but I don't want to. She is mad at him and I am not. She thinks he is being a jerk and being controlling and not thinking of the risks I am taking for this relationship and only thinking of his own. Does this make sense and does anyone have any opinions? I need to get out of this if I feel like I am being too self-sacrificing - but it is so hard to tell when I WANT it so much!

hi lazyone.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
You see when it is just you two that are in the know about things it is OK but when you then give the control to others you can set yourselves up for a disaster that you no longer are in the drivers seat to control.
Word to the wise trust no one but yourself…. Use the boards here for support and to make friends who have just as much to lose as you do. Loose lips sink ships.
Partner N Crime
I think your MM is right .Even though you trust your friend ............you really never know .and the more people who know , more chance it will come out .
Your friend may slip and say something to her H ...then that is where problems start
Or what happens if all of a sudden you have a falling out with your friend ??
Your MM doesn't have a double standard , I am sure he is worried anyone will find out . That is why he got mad you told a friend .
You just never know what can happen . trust no one but yourself !
For support you should come here because we don't know who you really are and even if someone knew you it is hard to figure out ( unless you give away too many details ) so many stories are so alike , that maybe it is you maybe it isn't .
Also support here is better because you are talking to people who have "been there done that" So you can learn from their experiences . Your friend what does she know ?? has she ever had an A ??
Now nothing to do about this , but apologize to MM , Tell him you made a mistake and it will never happen again ............and pray to God your secret will not go any further .
Good luck , hugs Viper
xoxo ViperDiva
I agree with the others. Your friend's offer was a kind one, however, it was an offer that both you AND MM need to be comfortable with. It isn't a double standard for your MM to be concerned about meeting at her place. At your place, you "know" what needs to be done and have some control over the situation. However, that isn't the case at your friend's house. You aren't there later to cover any "forgotten" tracks, nor can you expect her to be able to provide appropriate cover for you and even lie for you if something is discovered. Unless you intend to provide her with details of your activities in her house, she will not have any idea about what may be left behind or changed.
It sounds like your friend's opinion has some influence over your decisions. I personally find her reactions a little overboard and controlling. It really isn't her place to have a say about where you meet...unless it "is" at her place. If you and MM can find a mutually agreeable place to meet, there is no reason for one or the other to demand something else just to make a third party happy. In an effort to preserve the friendship with this friend, I'd keep details of your relationship with MM at a minimum and consider not sharing at all. Given her attitude at this point, she can easily feel that she needs to take further action which would be "in your best interest" in her eyes.
Rose
I'm new here...Haven't been to iVillage in a long time, and looked around and saw this place. Unfortunately (?), I'm at the beginning of an A (LOL - after reading many notes and replies, I've figured out a few of the acronyms; however, I'm still working on FWB from your original...), and am worried/concerned/excited/guilty/wondering what is going to happen. I'm single and my R is with a married friend; he's someone that makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel good about myself. Because my thing is different than yours, I don't claim to know what you're going through.
However, I have to disagree to an extent with the replies I've seen. Because you mentioned that this is a friend that you trust deeply, I tend to think that you should trust your own instincts. I've been having a hard time with my A; although it hasn't gone too far , I still think about (obsess over) it a lot. I finally told my best friend about it. She is, by far, my most trusted confidant. I said, "Please don't tell ; I don't want him to think I'm a ... homewrecker. I know you will; he's your husband, but tell him not to let me know he knows..." She replied, "Nah, I'm not going to tell him. There's some things that are ours.". If something were to happen, yes, I do believe she would lie for me. If her husband were to notice something, she would find someway to divert it from me if that's what I wanted (again, easier for me, since I'm single....she could tell him I picked someone up...LOL). This is what a trusted friend is. Someone said, "What if you have a falling out with your friend?", but again, you need to trust YOU. If you know that this woman is a trusted friend, then a falling out would not break a trust that is between friends.
As far as your MM goes and his reaction; my MM went for a fishing weekend with his buddies...I was out of the country when he left, but would be returning while he was away. We talked while I was gone, but since he'd be away when I returned, he wanted me to call him as soon as I got home. I said, "Oh sure. So when you're talking to me, your buddies will know it's not your W (given the "new" and giddy-talk), and you'll just say, 'Oh, no it's just the some **** I'm playin' around with'...". He was pretty angry with me for that comment...He said, "This is my life-long friend. He does not judge me, and he wouldn't judge you. He's my friend."
Friends are your world; remember that!!! I hope you figure out and work out your situation, but don't ever lose your trust in you.
My Best,
ellemmeye
I too have a very trusted friend that I have shared my A with. When you have a low time and you will definately have them, I have found she drags me down even further, she makes me question my R. I love my MM with everything I am and have learned (only resently to keep my mouth shut) I had a couple of rocky months this fall. If you share with her, keep it as limited as possible and then you won't resent her comments when you want him so badly and things aren't going well.
thinking of every women that uses this sight,
sensativesoul
Edited 2/23/2004 10:53:08 PM ET by sensativesoul
Please. If you're senstItive, you'd know that your friends only want what's best for you. I know what "feels" good; me and my MM feel good. But, is it what's good for me?? Maybe, maybe not. But my friend - my best friend - is there for me, whether it's good or it's bad. She's not trying to make me unhappy; she wants what's GOOD FOR ME.
You're wrong. Maybe she questions your "R" because it's not a REAL "R". She only wants what's good for you. Not what feels good for you. You need to re-assess your priorities. People who love you are the ones who want you to be happy....want what's good for you. People who "want" you, well..........Your A feels good, as does mine, but I know, as you do, that it's not what's GOOD for me. I'm not judging anyone for what they choose to do, but, if you think your friends are against you, then you need new friends...
Sorry for the one and only different view on the "R".
I don't feel my friend is against me at all. She has been there for me through my STB D and she wants what is best for me. I understand her point of view. But, sometimes we all need encouragement to get through to the next day. Even friends don't always know the right things to say, life is trial and error. We are so close that she knows what I am thinking without even saying a word. I just believe that at times you need to limit what you tell your friends, no matter how close you are. As for my R, it is as real as it can get. I question my sanity for entering my A :), never knew it would be so hard and so easy to love someone, but I wouldn't change a thing.
Sensative