should i be upset?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
should i be upset?
6
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 3:55pm
Ok, I'm not sure I should be upset or happy or what. I'm uncertain. May be you all could help me decide or am I just being silly.

I heard (not from him) that my MM's wife went out of town. Well, I feel bothered by it because the opportunity was there to call and he didn't. Also, he didn't mention it. Well, he never really mentions his W. at all, but still , I still felt bothered by it. That she was gone for a few days and he didn't call. There was a couple of emails and yes, he had the kids to himself, but stillll. I know I'm not a prioity, but he could have called. Don't you think?

Should I mention it to him or just let it pass?

Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 6:00pm
To be completely honest- I'd definitely be upset!! I'd mention it to him but don't be accusing. There's about a million possibilities- he had a ton of stuff already planned with kids, etc. Or the hard truth, he just needed a break from everything, which we all do sometimes. The last thing you want to do tho is put him on defense- take it out on us here on the board instead if you can- cause I completely understand why you would feel put off by this. Maybe just say something like- "so how was your time with the kids?" I don't know about your guy but most are frazzled when they are left with the kids for more than a couple of hours. Maybe it all just flew by too fast for him to handle it, hehe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 7:50pm
True! There could be a million possibilities. Or, like you said "the hard truth". That crossed my mind too, :(.

I was going to let it go and pretend I knew nothing, but, I can't do that because it really is bothering me enough to mention it.

You see we already have the distance thing between us. So it's understandable that we can't physically be with each other all the time. But, I would think, whenever the opportunity was there "to call" it would have been then.

I know I'm just second guessing everything right now. And I really won't know anything till we talk.

Like a lot of the posts here. I seem to be doing all the work, not him. I just want to make sure I'm fighting and struggling for the right thing.

I'll let you know what happens, :).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 9:13pm
Hi Isunshine35,

I know how hard this is as I deal with it often. MM's W is often out of the house on weekends (running errands, or whatever) and I don't hear from him. Why??? Because she left the kids at home. He has two children, one teenager and one pre-teen. He is afraid that they would notice Dad on the phone, so he chooses not to call me.

At first I struggled with this and, honestly, believed I wasn't worth it. However, I have learned to trust his feelings for me, and to respect the fact that he isn't ready to leave his marriage (and may never be ready), which means he needs to take the necessary precautions to keep things "normal" at home....and that means that Dad isn't suddenly on the phone with someone whenever Mom goes away.

Keep your thoughts positive and don't automatically take the lack of a phone call to mean he doesn't care about you.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 10:21pm
I know I shouldn't let this incident mean soo much. I know I shouldn't base everything on him not calling. And yes, I know, he has to be careful when the kids are around because it's not much of a conversation when they are. They're getting to a age when they can distinguish things now. Like,"Daddy's not talking to mommy". I also know about keeping things "normal".

It's just that I would think or should I say DO THINK he should have called.

I know I shouldn't think he doesn't care cause he didn't call and I should be positive, instead of soo negative, but, none-the-less, he still didn't call.

I think I deserve a measly call after 3 years.

I'm sorry. I'm just venting Annika, :)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 10:46pm
No offense taken, Isunshine35. Vent all you want. Get all those feeling out. We are here for you. I was just offering my perspective on being in a similar situation. I've only been involved with my MM for about 6 months, and its been a rough road at times. I know how many times I stare at the phone wishing he would call when I know she isn't home. However, not being married myself, I cannot even begin to immagine how difficult it is to balance the two relationships.

I know since he is married, I cannot come first. And I hold on to the good times I've had with him and the wonderful way he makes me feel when we are together. I try my best to keep my A with him seperate from his M because if I start comparing the two, I start feeling as if I'm competing with her, and in all reality, I'm not.

I hope you hear from him soon. I know how unnerving the wait can be.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 12:08pm
Everything you're saying is true. It's hard to juggle it all. And, maybe sometimes I forget to appreciate what he has to do and the chances he takes for us to be together.

I too am single so I have more time to think about things.

I've always said to myself. As long as he makes things right between us. I would be happy. I would be OK.

I guess I just feel this time he didn't do that. And I feel more on the "outside" then usual.

Don't get me wrong though. I love my MM very much. We've been at this 3 years and we also have had many ups & downs, but we have also had many beautiful moments.

I guess that's why it's bothering me so much

I'm here for you too Annika, :). Thanks