Should I believe that I am his only ap?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Should I believe that I am his only ap?
9
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 9:47pm

Hello all,

I posted a few days ago about my AP getting mad about me texting - well, I called him on Monday and everything seemed fine. We met tonight...had a GREAT game of CHECKERS if you know what I mean. Well, as he was in the bathroom, his phone went off - I was nosey and check it. He had a text from a girl name P. Miller. I read the text, I know I shouldn't have, and it said "ur mean, but adorable". I was like wtf? I asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone else? He said no, why? I told him I saw the text. He said that no she was married and was going out of town with her husband and she was joking. He then showed me the text that he had sent her that said something about "Thursday". He told me they are friends and that he needs to tell her not to text, b/c he hates texting.

Tell me if I am crazy. It was 8pm when she texted. Her full name is in her phone - he claims they work together. He only has my initals in the phone so no one will know who I am.

We meet at his office and he had said that he could not meet on Thursday b/c he was busy. He teaches at the university on Tues/Thursday evenings so we meet at approx 715pm. So - this is my plan - I am probably stupid, but here it goes.

I am going to go to his office and park in a secret place and see if he shows up with another woman. I know I won't beable to see what they are doing as his office is in a building, but I will know that I am not the only one he meets after his class on Tues/Thurs. He tells his wife that traffic was bad, etc.

Well, he did not seem upset that I asked him about seeing someone else. I told him that I wanted to know b/c we are not using protection. He is fixed and I am on the bcp. He said that was fine. He told me that this was my problem as whether I believe him or not. I WANT to believe him b/c the checker games are great! I also don;t want to be played for a fool either. If he is seeing someone else besides me - fine, but I am not going to hang around.

Neither of us are planning on leaving our spouses so that is not even the issue - I do love him to some extent, but do not want to be married to him - I just want to be his only for now.

Does that make sense? Let me know what you think...thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 10:47pm

Oh man......I could have a few things to say about this. First......you never know if he IS with someone else, or if his wife is with someone else. She can just as easily give him and STD that gets transferred to you. YIKES! No birth control or vasectomy will fix that.


Just because he tells you she is married doesn't mean he can't cheat with her. HELLO! He is cheating with you! Also, just because her full name is in there doesn't mean squat. I have my AP's number under a good friends name who I text alot with so if I get a text from AP, I can easily erase it as it was just a forward. So P. Miller could be something or someone else.


I am in a situation where my AP has another AP. I am crushed over this. But I also want to keep AP so I have come to accept this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 8:07pm

Femaleleff2,


Should you believe that you are his only AP simply because he tells you so?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 8:55pm

So he plays a good game of checkers huh? Too funny! I have never heard it put that way before. Very original.

Anyway, one single txt message is flimsy evidence that he has a second OW. I would need more evidence then that before I made my decision. If you think the spying thing will work go for it. I would, but you have to be careful of a couple things. 1. Don't get caught. If he finds out that your spying on him your gonna give him that fatal attraction feeling. 2. Even if you see him w/ another woman how do you know that she's not a colleague or friend. On the other hand if you do go, and don't see anyone but him that proves nothing at all. Maybe you just caught him on a night where he wasn't w/ this OW.

The only way that you can get a definitive answer is to ask him, and then trust that he is telling you the truth. If you feel like he would lie, then I would just leave the whole thing alone. Right now you don't have much to go on, and really no way of gathering more intelligence. You really could drive yourself ape sh*t if you can't trust his word, and let this eat at you. I would just drop it, and keep your eyes peeled for anything else that appears suspect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 8:42am
I did ask him and he said no...I feel so stupid for looking at his phone. Anyways...I am doing the nc for a while trying to get myself back together. I am getting tired of the fews highs and many lows. We have been together for 2.5 years. and neither of us want to leave our spouses. I just needed to feel something besides being a booty call. I don't know if he will ever change. Who knows and right now, I don't really care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 12:55pm

I also found out that my AP is involved with an OW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 5:09pm

How did I know AP had another AP? He was acting different. He was WAY more lovey with me. Something had to be up. I would ask him a question and he was evasive with his answers. So I asked him if there was someone else. He told me yes, although they we not intimate....YET. I felt like my workd had ended. I was crushed. He broke my heart. But he didn't care. He was going to do what he was going to do.


I tried to accept it. I could not. I love him more than I have ever loved any man and I have loved him for 16 years. I cried alot, I felt sorry for myself alot. I tried to make him feel guilty, to end it. He would not. So I lost something for him. Not sure what it is, but something is gone now. I still love him, but he hurt me even worse this time than

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 7:00pm

I was reading your post, and I wanted to comment on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 8:37pm

This is a really tough situation you are in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Sun, 11-02-2008 - 11:10pm

Santoria,
If I had any answers to your good questions, I might not be in 2 affairs. I don't take it as judgmental of you to ask. I understand the ramifications of posting on a public board. Let me see if I can find a way to answer these for you. Give you a peak inside of my head, if you will.

"why do you not get a divorce?"
I went through a separation with my H. I was too weak to go through with the divorce. I DO love him, but I don't respect him which is a very sad truth that is hard for me to swallow. I love him as my best friend, the father of my children and my confidant. He is a good man who has done some very mean things to me but still does not deserve what I am doing to HIM.

I wouldn't really say that I am unhappy in the marriage. Content is a better description. I feel the need to have excitement and an element of danger. I don't say that as a justification for what I am doing or an excuse. It just is what it is.

You are correct in that I do seek validation. I do not get it from my husband and I really should be comfortable enough with myself not to seek it elsewhere but I do. It makes me feel good to know that a man finds me attractive, intelligent and worth chasing. And it's not just any man that I seek this validation from. It is from intelligent, educated confident men. Not just any man. I know it sounds absurd. I know how bad it is. I have unfortunately experienced some self loathing for sinking to a new lower level of despicable. My children see two happy, loving, affectionate parents who talk, hug, kiss and work things out. I do stay for my kids for now. I have no idea what the future holds.