Should I confess to H?
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| Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:53pm |
It's been awhile since I've been on, I've been going through a very confusing time lately. OM keeps calling and as much as I want to see him and be with him, I don't think I can do this to H any more. I've sort of been avoiding OM and I know that's the childish and stupid thing to do but I can't bring myself to end it because I haven't quite made up my mind about what I want to do yet.
On the other hand I am thinking of confessing to H. He will be hurt and upset and he may even leave me but I can't continue being with him and having this secret from him. We tell each other everything! Which makes this very hard to do but I think I have to. The timing hasn't been right yet though and I don't know if it ever will!
This situation is just so complicated - I love H and want to be with him, I just don't know why I feel this way about OM, I shouldn't be as infatuated as I am.
What is your opinion on telling H? I just want to see what others think before I actually do it (or if I do).
Thx!

I really feel for you and everything you are going thru. My OM and I are currently in NC because OM (who is single) is having a hard time with our R. I want to contact OM so bad becuase I miss him so much and don't want to be without him but I have been stopping myself (with the help of some of my friends from the board) because I need this time to get my feelings under control and to be just friends with OM. First I need to control how I feel about OM to go back to FWOB and second I need to decide if and how I am going to work on my M. My H is wonderful and we do get along for the most part. I have no intention of ending my M and OM knew this from the start.
As for telling H - I would definately not tell my H. If I told him I know that it would totally destroy him and our M. My H's first wife cheated on him when he was stationed in Germany and when he found out she up and moved back to the states and filed for divorce, so for him the trust would be gone and the hurt would be too much. That is just my situation and yours may be different. How do you think your H will deal with the information when you tell him? Will he want to work things out or will he want a D? If you truely believe that you could not live with this secret between you then pick your time and tell him but just don't tell him explain to him your reasons. No excuses just good honest feelings.
I agree with you when you say you love your H but want OM because I feel the same, I am just not sure that I am willing to move forward without my R with OM call it selfish if you must because that is how I feel. So I don't know if I can be much help to you but I know exactly what you are going thru. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk some more. Big Hugs to you and know that we are here if you need us. Keep us posted. DAF
I think my even bigger fear is that H will find out from someone else (it could get leaked by accident by the few of my friends that know) and then my M would be over for sure. I don't know if I'm willing to take that chance....
Good for you for working on figuring out what you want - I don't know if I could be friends with OM after all is said and done because everytime I see him I want to go back to being FWB! Good luck with your situation and thank you for helping me with mine.
It's really hard to say for sure how one would react to a partners infidelity. MY DH swore many years ago... even before we married... that if he ever caught me with another man, I would be out the door so fast I wouldn't know what happened. While he never caught us physically... he did find out about my affair... and his whole mindset changed. He was very upset of course... but wanted to do anything possible to keep me.
Me... however... I did not want DH to find out... anyway! I don't think that he needed to know the hurtful truth. I did my best back then... which it wasn't and I still do my hardest to ensure that he won't find out a second time around... I don't want to hurt him anymore than he's been hurt.
If I was you... I wouldn't tell your H... while it may relieve the burden from your shoulders... you are placing a great deal on his. If you end it... then end it and let time take it's course.
Ultimately it's your decision... and whatever you decided you will need to be strong and prepare yourself for any outcome.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I've been MIA here for a long time because I just needed to reel in some of my disappointment with this board in general. But I'll be square with you: if you tell your H about the OM in your life, you are a Grade A, 100% AH.
It isn't up to your H to figure out how to deal with your A, it's YOUR problem. So shut up and at least give your H the benefit of believing he is living a normal life.
If you can't handle your A, then punt it--don't hand it off to your H to assuage your guilt.
I know I sound completely grumpy & pissed off, but it's only because I am: this is YOUR problem. You need to put your OM in one pocket, your H in the other, and if you can't tow the line then don't ask your H to hear about your lover and "understand."
Get out of the A if you can't deal with it--NEVER tell your H about it.
--LG
Your grandmother was a very wise woman. What she told you is true, we choose to have these A's and to tell our spouse about our infidelity will in my opinion compound the guilt because then you will also feel guilty about destroying/significantly changing your R with H, kids, family, etc.
Any more words of wisdom from your grandmother we might find helpful? Thanks for sharing. DAF
P.S. Welcome back LeviGuy, you've been missed.
The only thing telling will do it to lessen your burden of guilt, think about what it will do to your DH...I would go above and beyond any obstacle put in my way to be certain my DH never finds out about my OM...it's not a matter of whether your DH would leave you or not, it's a matter of what it would do to a man you love and how it would completely destroy many aspects of his character...dont do that to him...as Levi said, it's YOUR problem...
Liberal
Honestly I have been wanting to hear those answers - I would much rather NOT tell him even though it would unburden the guilt but you're right.
But my fear is that he will find out from someone else, and then what? I've made him the fool being the one who doesn't know and I feel horrible about that.
My other concern is that by not being honest with him, what kind of M can we have? Aren't relationships built on trust, honesty and communication? If we have none of those....
Before we got M, my H and I went through a breakup. He met someone else and wanted to give it a try but I did not know this and I had to find out on my own once we were already back together. His reasoning for not telling me is because he thought I would leave him and I almost did because I felt he should have been up front with me. Does this side of the argument not have merit too?
I just want to make sure I've thought this out thoroughly before I decide for sure what I will be doing. The guilt is so very hard to bear :(
The thing is - if something is old news, it's no longer valuable conversation material, right? It's a dead topic and for me, that's good news...
Liberal