Should I confess to H?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Should I confess to H?
10
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:53pm
Hello...

It's been awhile since I've been on, I've been going through a very confusing time lately. OM keeps calling and as much as I want to see him and be with him, I don't think I can do this to H any more. I've sort of been avoiding OM and I know that's the childish and stupid thing to do but I can't bring myself to end it because I haven't quite made up my mind about what I want to do yet.

On the other hand I am thinking of confessing to H. He will be hurt and upset and he may even leave me but I can't continue being with him and having this secret from him. We tell each other everything! Which makes this very hard to do but I think I have to. The timing hasn't been right yet though and I don't know if it ever will!

This situation is just so complicated - I love H and want to be with him, I just don't know why I feel this way about OM, I shouldn't be as infatuated as I am.

What is your opinion on telling H? I just want to see what others think before I actually do it (or if I do).

Thx!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 4:59pm
Jeanie,

I really feel for you and everything you are going thru. My OM and I are currently in NC because OM (who is single) is having a hard time with our R. I want to contact OM so bad becuase I miss him so much and don't want to be without him but I have been stopping myself (with the help of some of my friends from the board) because I need this time to get my feelings under control and to be just friends with OM. First I need to control how I feel about OM to go back to FWOB and second I need to decide if and how I am going to work on my M. My H is wonderful and we do get along for the most part. I have no intention of ending my M and OM knew this from the start.

As for telling H - I would definately not tell my H. If I told him I know that it would totally destroy him and our M. My H's first wife cheated on him when he was stationed in Germany and when he found out she up and moved back to the states and filed for divorce, so for him the trust would be gone and the hurt would be too much. That is just my situation and yours may be different. How do you think your H will deal with the information when you tell him? Will he want to work things out or will he want a D? If you truely believe that you could not live with this secret between you then pick your time and tell him but just don't tell him explain to him your reasons. No excuses just good honest feelings.

I agree with you when you say you love your H but want OM because I feel the same, I am just not sure that I am willing to move forward without my R with OM call it selfish if you must because that is how I feel. So I don't know if I can be much help to you but I know exactly what you are going thru. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk some more. Big Hugs to you and know that we are here if you need us. Keep us posted. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 5:38pm
As for my H, it's hard to say how he would react - he really is a great guy, he tells me all the time "I'm so lucky to have you, I don't know what I would do without you" and just the way he is makes me think maybe he would want to work things out although it would be very tough and it's hard for me to think that he trusts me and loves me today but if I tell him, that could all change tomorrow. But this secret is one I really don't know if I can keep for the rest of my life.

I think my even bigger fear is that H will find out from someone else (it could get leaked by accident by the few of my friends that know) and then my M would be over for sure. I don't know if I'm willing to take that chance....

Good for you for working on figuring out what you want - I don't know if I could be friends with OM after all is said and done because everytime I see him I want to go back to being FWB! Good luck with your situation and thank you for helping me with mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 7:19pm
Hi jeanie,

It's really hard to say for sure how one would react to a partners infidelity. MY DH swore many years ago... even before we married... that if he ever caught me with another man, I would be out the door so fast I wouldn't know what happened. While he never caught us physically... he did find out about my affair... and his whole mindset changed. He was very upset of course... but wanted to do anything possible to keep me.

Me... however... I did not want DH to find out... anyway! I don't think that he needed to know the hurtful truth. I did my best back then... which it wasn't and I still do my hardest to ensure that he won't find out a second time around... I don't want to hurt him anymore than he's been hurt.

If I was you... I wouldn't tell your H... while it may relieve the burden from your shoulders... you are placing a great deal on his. If you end it... then end it and let time take it's course.

Ultimately it's your decision... and whatever you decided you will need to be strong and prepare yourself for any outcome.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 12:21am
Jeanie,

I've been MIA here for a long time because I just needed to reel in some of my disappointment with this board in general. But I'll be square with you: if you tell your H about the OM in your life, you are a Grade A, 100% AH.

It isn't up to your H to figure out how to deal with your A, it's YOUR problem. So shut up and at least give your H the benefit of believing he is living a normal life.

If you can't handle your A, then punt it--don't hand it off to your H to assuage your guilt.

I know I sound completely grumpy & pissed off, but it's only because I am: this is YOUR problem. You need to put your OM in one pocket, your H in the other, and if you can't tow the line then don't ask your H to hear about your lover and "understand."

Get out of the A if you can't deal with it--NEVER tell your H about it.

--LG



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:40am
My grandmother who is a very wise woman sat me down and had a talk with me shortly after I had gotten married. She gave me a list of things to remember about love, friendship, and committment. At the end of the conversation she said and I'll never forget this, "If you ever in your life choose to have an affair, promise me one thing, that you will never tell your spouse." I was dumbfounded, I would think you should confess and her when I asked her why she said "People confess to get rid the guilt that is weighing on their conscience, it's only so they will feel better about themselves, and in the end they end up hurting and sometimes even destroying their spouses, children and family, and for what, so that they can feel better that they are no longer carrying this secret?" And it's so true. Even though this is only an emotional EMA right now, I know that I have made my bed, and if he catches me and leaves me I know it's my fault. But if I never get caught, I know that I will take this to my grave with me. And that in my opinion is how it should be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:45am
Haley,

Your grandmother was a very wise woman. What she told you is true, we choose to have these A's and to tell our spouse about our infidelity will in my opinion compound the guilt because then you will also feel guilty about destroying/significantly changing your R with H, kids, family, etc.

Any more words of wisdom from your grandmother we might find helpful? Thanks for sharing. DAF

P.S. Welcome back LeviGuy, you've been missed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 10:29am
WOW, what great advise we're sharing today...I agree completely with leviguy, despite his harsh way of putting it (LOL)...and the wise words of the Grandmother are so very true as well....the golden rule is deny, deny, deny so why would you confess? As far as your friends leaking the secret, why would you tell someone you cant trust completely? And if they do tell, deny everything and then end your EMA or limit contact for awhile if necessary to cover your butt!

The only thing telling will do it to lessen your burden of guilt, think about what it will do to your DH...I would go above and beyond any obstacle put in my way to be certain my DH never finds out about my OM...it's not a matter of whether your DH would leave you or not, it's a matter of what it would do to a man you love and how it would completely destroy many aspects of his character...dont do that to him...as Levi said, it's YOUR problem...

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 10:34am
Hello,

Honestly I have been wanting to hear those answers - I would much rather NOT tell him even though it would unburden the guilt but you're right.

But my fear is that he will find out from someone else, and then what? I've made him the fool being the one who doesn't know and I feel horrible about that.

My other concern is that by not being honest with him, what kind of M can we have? Aren't relationships built on trust, honesty and communication? If we have none of those....

Before we got M, my H and I went through a breakup. He met someone else and wanted to give it a try but I did not know this and I had to find out on my own once we were already back together. His reasoning for not telling me is because he thought I would leave him and I almost did because I felt he should have been up front with me. Does this side of the argument not have merit too?

I just want to make sure I've thought this out thoroughly before I decide for sure what I will be doing. The guilt is so very hard to bear :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 11:19am
This is the way I see it. To say M's are based on honesty, trust, love etc., while ideally yes they should be, most often aren't. Think about how many things small and large people keep from their mates. Isn't lack of communication witholding information? It's not being open and honest and trusting. And as we all know lack of communication is one of the major problems in M's and probably one of the leading causes of EMA's. This is just one example of how M's aren't always ideal. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that there was obviously something missing from your marriage, whether you choose to accept that or deny (like I did for a while), something was definitely missing. You made the choice to fill the void in your life or relationship, which I'm not saying is wrong because I really truly believe that we all deserve happiness. It was a decision that you made. And like Dr. Phil says you have to own that decision. Because you made it. So now you're sitting there worried about what will happen if this comes out, will it destroy your husband, your M, your family? That could go either way - some A's actually make M's stronger and some destroy. If you were so worried about losing everything then you probably wouldn't have made the decision to go ahead with this A. But you did. So how I see it now is you risked everything to fulfill this need or void - you knew what you had to lose and if you do lose it all you have to own the responsibility for that, either way you'll have to own the responsibility. But telling your husband - purposely breaking his heart and smashing his dreams and your marriage so that you don't have to feel guilty about keeping this secret is ridiculously immature and selfish. I truly hope I haven't offended you and that this post helps you. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 2:52pm
Here's a tid bit for you...in relation to your worries about your DH being made out a fool since he is the "only" one who doesnt know you are gettin busy on the side...this is what I did...I had 2 very close friends who knew about my EMA...why I told them, I don't know. Both of them are very open minded and I knew they wouldnt judge me only ask me alot of questions to make me think, which I always welcome. I started to think, what if they tell someone else? ya know how it goes, the "I have to tell ya this but dont tell anyone else" I had intended to just deny, deny, deny but instead I decided to just stop talking to them about my EMA and figured they would just assume it was over - especially since my EMA was very rocky and stressful last year as I adjusted to his tendencies. Sure enough...they both think it's a done deal now and that it was just a stage I was going through....

The thing is - if something is old news, it's no longer valuable conversation material, right? It's a dead topic and for me, that's good news...

Liberal