Should I contact him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2013
Should I contact him?
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 5:06am

Hi, I'm new here but i really need someone to talk to about this and i really don't know where to turn.  I had a brief relationship with my AP after knowing him for 15 years. During those 15 years everything was platonic although he always wanted more - we were both married so i always said no. Fast forward several years and he's now divorced and his children are at uni but i have 2 young children and my marriage is starting to fall apart. I started a relationship with AP, after 4 months he ended it saying his feelings for me were too intense and he's scared during this time i really fell for him in a big way. It's been 4 months now since he ended it and up to now we've had weekly contact, usually him contacting me via fb we have had no physical contact or spoken on the telephone. He asked to meet for lunch as friends and i went along even though i knew emotionally it would set me back and of course it did i felt i was right back at square one emotionally. When we exchange messages through fb they are usually light hearted and it makes me miss him even more. He sent me a gift for my bd and sends me love tracks although if i ask him what they mean he says they mean nothing he just wanted to share them with me because he likes them. He knows i always look for the lyrics in songs. He said he wanted me to know he wasn't easy for him and he sometimes feels like i'm the only one but because of our ages (he's a lot older) etc. we can never be together. 5 days ago he asked me what i wanted and i said i wanted to be with him and didn't know where the middle ground was when he just wanted to be friends. i then asked him to tell me what he wanted, he hasn't replied - I really miss him and don't know what to do, whether i should contact him or not. I really feel he wants to be with me but won't let his heart rule his head .... My days are spent moping about, i have no focus and no energy to do anything and obviously this is having an effect at home. (My h is soon to have a big birthday and i have organised absolutely nothing for him, which is a massive contrast to his last big birthday) If AP  is the one like i feel he is, shouldn't i contact him and at least try or am i making a foll of myself and should walk away?... Please advise i don't know how much longer i can carry on like this....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 6:58pm

Stay strong...with NC!! In the same exact situation as you and realized that if I force contact it will look desparate/only reinforce the hurt. I actually asked my AP "What do you want from me??" and he would not answer and haven't heard from in I think it's their cowardly way of saying they have feelings, just maybe not as strong feelings as we do. If you feel that you will always want an emotional and physical connection it will be too hard to do NSA...also maybe space away from AP will help you decide if you truly want to leave your marriage. Good luck...I know it's hard!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2013
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 8:38am

Thanks for your replies, I really appreciate them. I know in my head I should sort things at home but my heart is telling me otherwise and I really don't believe he just wants to be friends. If he does why the love tracks and why expensive bd gift about lovers why not a box of chocs or a bottle of wine. I know the smart thing to do is to stay as friends but i find it extremley difficult to go back to friendship after intimacy at the intimacy we shared at our level both emotionally and physically. I really feel a connection with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 12:18pm

Welcome to MAS, Edwina..

I agree w/ MusicLover 100%.

The fact that you've had such a long history with him is a sign of things gone wrong at home. 

That he's now single and at a different place in life than you is a big red flag.  Even if he wishes so, he may not be able to come up w/ a way to have any relationship with you that's sustainable and won't end in heartbreak.  His wishing to be friends may be grounded in the fact that there is not much else that can happen which won't result in more drama. So, he's taking the smart path.

So should you. Keep him as a friend, but nothing more.

Look at your home and see what you can fix, and what you can't.

Why is your M falling apart? What paths/options are available to you?

You are better off focusing on a better path for your own life than a life w/ an AP who is at a very different place than you.

So, what will you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 11:35am

It's ironic that he was always after you to have a relationship when he was married & you kept saying no, but now that he's free he only wants to be friends.  Maybe he felt that if you were both married you could have some kind of NSA affair but now he doesn't have the excuse that he can't be with you cause he's married and he sees that you have feelings for him & it's scary to him.  Maybe he doesn't want to be responsible for breaking up your marriage and then there is the reality of you having little kids & what's going to happen there.  Affairs seem to me to be in some kind of bubble of unreality--people can have their fun and then go back to their normal every day lives.  If you actually got divorced & wanted to be with him then he would have to deal with you having to raise kids where he is practically done--maybe that's what he means by the age difference because if neither one of you had kids, what difference would it make if you had an age difference? 

what I really think you should do is not contact this guy and figure out what you are going to do about your marriage first--if your marriage is over anyway, then deal with that--get divorced and figure those things out.  Then when you are single you will be in a better position to figure out what you want in a man.  I think if this guy really only does want friendship and you have romantic feelings for him, then you're just hurting yourself by trying to be friends.  It would be better to just cut off contact completely.