Should I or shouldn't I??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Should I or shouldn't I??
5
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:38pm
Hi all. I have mostly been a lurker on this board, have posted a few times to other peoples discussions, but here I am with a question for you all.

MM and I have been in a long distance (he lives 3 1/2 hrs from me) EMA now for a little over a year. The last few months our communication and ability to see one another has become minimal. Outside from the awesome sex that we experienced together we also became the very best of friends during the last year. He started a new job this fall that has caused us to have to slow things way down. At first I wanted to end everything and move on with my life, but he asked that we maintain some sort of friendship or something. So, at this point I am just trying to be there for him, as he is under an immense amount of stress!!! He still tells me he loves me and calls me his baby, etc... but that is the extent of it, everything else is on a superficial level when we talk. I really don't even know how to talk to him anymore.

Here's the question.... we had been planning a trip together for January. We really won't be able to have much communication between now and then, especially with the holidays in the middle. Part of me is afraid to meet him, of course it will stir up so many things, but I will be moving within 6 months from the state we currently live in and this will be our last time to really "be together". Do I go and just enjoy the heck out of it, or am I setting myself up for more hurt and heartache down the road. I had been on the "Ending an affair" boards for quite a while and their thing is NC (no contact), and that is what I intend on doing after our trip. If it wasn't for the trip I would start NC now, it would be hard, but I think this time I could do it. He has mentioned that he doesn't want NC, but his life is so crazy right now that I really don't think he'd notice.

Sorry this is so long, but any opinions or advice would be welcomed. I hope this made sense!

~Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:49pm
hey serenity, what do you want?

do you want to see MM one more time to enjoy him and your time together, and to have closure before you move on?? if you do, then see him in january and be honest with him about your feelings and the end of the A.

if you don't think you can handle the added stress/heartbreak, then maintain NC and let MM know you won't see him in january or ever again. i know it's hard, but you have to decide what is best for YOU!! think about it honey.

and believe me, he hasn't "forgotten" about you, he's adjusting to his move and added stresses. unfortunately, the "other" person in these situations comes last, insofar as consideration of contact and time together, even phone calls. just the way it is.

but luck you, you have two boards to go to for support and help.

hang in there,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:57pm
Thanks gurl. I don't know what I want. Knowing that January has been coming that has helped with having to endure all of the other. This intense schedule that he has, he will have until May... he says hang in there things will be better then. Well, I will also have moved by then most likely. He has been just as sick as I have been about not being able to keep things the way they had been for the first 10 months of our relationship. He has even begged me through tears to hang in there, but the heart can only take so much. I'm really torn because I want that time with him in January and part of me thinks I would kick myself if I didn't go... on the other hand, part of me just wants to close this chapter in the book and move on. The thing about that is that I am left with what I had before the A started. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and express myself!

~Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:03pm
serenity, i don't know your background (or can't remember it, if you posted it), but if i were you and had the obviously intense emotional connection you have with your MM, i would go in january and cherish ALL the time together and the memories of that time together. i would want every minute with him i could get. even if it was the "last time", which we can never really know.

and then i would go back to my life full force. and when and if MM's workload (or whatever) lessens by may and the two of you can be together, so be it.

however, if you're moving further away from MM when he returns, your decision will be made for you at that time. everyone is "left" where they started in life when a R ends, whether it's a lover, friend, or partner.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 9:21pm
I would only add that I would go... but ONLY if I knew I *could* enjoy it. Focus on being together and what you love about each other, and not dwell on the impending 'end.' It will not be worth it to either of you if the entire time you are gloomy, sad or arguing because the R is coming to an end. But if you can truly go there with a full heart and simply enjoy each other, and not look beyond the next day, then live it up. It will be a memory you will cherish in your sadder moments when it's over.

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 10:57am
Thank you both for your responses! I still am not sure what I am going to do. Last night I knew he was going to call and so I was prepared to just call off the trip and actually mentioned that I wasn't sure it was such a good idea. No decisions were made, but he said he would call back tonight and we would discuss it more. We'll see.... I'll keep you posted!

Thanks again!

~Serenity