Should I take this personally??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Should I take this personally??
9
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 5:34pm


I have posted my history on MAS before. AP and i dated years ago, broke up. He found me years later we were friends for years (but both still had a thing for each other). Last two years AP (MM) flirting with me big time once I told him I was unhappy in my M. AP and his W live in different states and have this weird stale mate. She has talked about ending it. THe EA became a PA just for a bit, then AP backed off suddenly and wanted to take this slow because he felt guilty because he was still M and didn't know where it was going.

After he seemed like he was avoiding me I finally asked him last week if we were still in this thing or it was over ... he said no we still are (i think the PA is over for now - we live in different states too). I was shocked because I thought he wanted out. He did apologize and blame work a bit but did say that shouldn't have mattered. He seemed really unenthusiastic with his M and doesn't know what to do , he doesn't hate his W or anything. But I know he has feelings for me. But I don't know what to do either with my M (as i'm unhapy and have 2 kids, he doesn't have kids).

So my question to those who have been around for a while, was your A ever like this? (I think maybe AP is a little more "descent" than me in that he feels bad about the PA/EA and wants to do the right thing ... ie if he wants me ... leave his wife first). Any advice how to keep AP interested in me when we don't see each other. I don't want to seem pushy coz I know he will get spooked. Should I totally back off the phone calls and emails and let him find me? I don't know. He is very slow in these matters and can drown himself in work to avoid issues.

sorry for the confusing message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 10:05pm

I think that the majority of us will say that our affairs are a rollercoaster. It may just be that your AP is finding it more difficult to deal with the ups and downs of the A. As you have probably seen on these boards- there are times when all of us think, "What the heck did we get ourselves into?" I would not take any of his actions personally. He's probably just dealing with the emotions of the A.


I also think that you might feel better if you talk to your AP about your feelings. You should know where you stand and he should be willing to tell you what's going on with him too. Then you can make an informed decision about staying in the A.


That's just my opinion. I hope it helps!


Sneaking Fruit

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 9:11am

thanks for your response. I am back on MAS from the EAS board. Feels weird. I did speak with AP and he does care for me and wants to continue taking things slow between us ... i think that means no crazy PA. He does feel guilty and like me has not made a change in his M. THey don't have much between them but neither has pulled the plug. Which is fair because neither have I.

We are just two people i think who care for each other and want each other, but it is just hard because of our comittments. I decided to keep in this for another couple of months then I'll chat with him again about it. I do love him and feel there is a small % chance we could finally have a future, but who knows. I guess I am asking if anybody else when through this stage.

It is a very difficult place. I try not to be too addicted to him.

MW

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 9:19am
sometimes i think we need to be mind readers .....buries himself in his work that sounds familiar, feeling addicted...been there done that...A's should come with a warning label--oh wait they do...:)
hang in there i've found that with our feelings for one another neither one of us are going anywhere...take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 11:36am

"He is very slow in these matters and can drown himself in work to avoid issues." Wow! that sounds very familiar! I actually don't give much thought about what my AP is going through - he says he is confused and all, but after all he is i na better position than I am....

"i've found that with our feelings for one another neither one of us are going anywhere...take care." I will still have to figure that out, because I am not sure anymore. How are you doing, theetrnal? I didn't see you for a while?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 12:13pm

telling you to never take it personal would be a bit

Cadillacwoman
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:39pm
hey babe i am doing okay thanks for asking--i always savor those moments late at night when i can check in on my MAS friends....the summer is such a busy time am actually looking forward to fall--not to mention easier to connect w/AP i tend to avoid the 'hot time in the city' LOL...
as far as he and i not going anywhere think i've tried to walk away 5 or 6 times...just can't do it...late winter /spring 08 was a brutal time for me...he sure has my number...he just silently waits for me to come back...
have reached a serious impasse in my 25 yr marriage....i may soon be seperated...AP has no clue... our grown children have come to us and said even they think it is best..
don't know if i can continue as a single in this ....and i don't think i can live without him in even some small part of my world..



Edited 8/20/2008 3:28 pm ET by theeternal
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 2:55pm
I'm sorry to hear that you are not doing so well...neither am I ...I would love to talk to you, I really need some sound advice... I posted about it a bit, than I erased it, it's just too personal. If your children are saying that separation would be for the best, it's serious; it must be very hard for you to come to this point after all these years. I'm sending you many hugs and positive thoughts, you know there is always a rainbow after the rain, I am repeating the same to myself. Please take a good care of yourself and be strong!
All the best to you!


Edited 8/21/2008 7:21 am ET by capricious_babe
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 3:28pm
will do, feel free to email me as well....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 3:52pm
Thank you.


Edited 8/21/2008 7:22 am ET by capricious_babe