Should I tell him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Should I tell him?
3
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 4:06pm
Ok,here goes!! I have posted here before under the name 'nswoman' but I'll briefly sum up the story. (Trust me, it's not too long!!)

I am married (just over a year) and am not happy (that's a different story!lol). Anyway, I met this amazing, beautiful guy last year, just a couple months after I had gotten married. He has a long time GF and nothing ever happened between us. We were friends although his gf and my H don't know about our friendship (well, til now). Over the last, I'd say, 7 months or so, we've been getting increasingly more flirtatious with each other and the attraction is so obvious between us. I have had feelings for him for months and I know he has for me but since we're both in relationships, it was one of those things we didn't discuss. Lucky for me, we ended up taking one class together in university so things heated up even more. I knew it was a matter of time before something really happened. Well, something happened alright, but it wasn't what I wanted! This past Wednesday, OM and I had been chatting on MSN and the flirting got intense but still no admission of true feelings. I sent him an email the next day telling him to clear his conversation history, and went on to discuss somewhat of how I felt ( I didn't really say much other than I found him attractive). Well, all hell broke loose when his gf found that email. She emailed me and things hit the fan between them. So, since then, we haven't really had the chance to talk. All I've been able to really find out is that he doesn't know for sure if they are ok (she's still living there though). He did email me on Saturday and said, rather coldly, that we couldn't talk anymore and couldn't be friends. It floored me. I was so upset because nothing has ever happened between us and I never really got the chance to tell him how I feel. But then I started thinking that he probably wrote that to smooth things over with his gf and that hopefully we would still be ok (I still had to see him in class). By some weird coincidence, I ran into him yesterday and although we didn't have time to talk really, I did ask him if I was allowed to talk to him and he said yes. So, that's been it. I do see him again this Thursday and I'm not sure how to handle things. Since I have no idea what's going on between him and his gf and now I really don't know how he feels about me, I don't know how to handle the whole situation. I really want to just let it all out and tell him how I feel. Do you think that now is the time or should I wait until things clear? If I wait until things clear then he might, in that time, decide that he really does want to work things out with his gf and he really might end our friendship. Should I go for it and see what happens? I guess it's better to regret having tried than to regret having not tried, huh?

Any thoughts or similar experiences would help! Thanks so much! I love knowing I'm not alone in this!!

hugs

"blue"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 4:20pm
Blue,

I did something similar myself. I let one thought I had, come out of my mouth in a conversation I had with a friend that actually turned into my second A. The problem, that is different my situation, than in yours, was that the OM and my DH were almost best friends.

I was bold and brave and took a chance, and almost ruined 2 families that I loved almost more than life itself, had to move out of the state to save my own M, and caused my dh to give up on a friend, I honestly thought he might have for the rest of his life. Dh doesn't have that many friends.

If it were me, I think, after the 3 experiences, I've had, I would wait for him to make more of a move. He may actually resent you if you did do anything, and that might ruin a great friendship you could have. Give him space and time, be there for him, be yourself, but maybe just hold back on the 'confession' until you see if he stays the same, or pulls back himself.....you should be able to tell after a couple more times you see him. Maybe offer to bring hima coffee or something the next class you have together.....something platonic and 'friend-like'....if you want to find out more definitely, that might work...?????

Just some thoughts, but again,

NSS

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 7:25pm
So tomorrow's the day I have to face him....and I have so many things running through my mind. I really don't know what I'm going to do. God, where's the magic 8-ball when you need it, huh??(lol) I can't stand having him act like nothing just happened which he did the last time I saw him (which of course was only for a split second). The only really bad thing about seeing him tomorrow is that we have a 2hour class together and what can I discuss with him in class?? After class he has only a half hour to go home, eat, and go to work so it's not like we can even discuss it later......oh, so confusing!!!

Am I putting too much into this?? Should I just let him dictate the flow of things and see where it goes?? But then, I'll always have these questions floating around. ARGGHHHH!!! Please help!!!!! This is so tough!!! I think I'd be at least understandable with his weird behaviour if I had of, at least, kissed him at some point!! God knows, if he gives me the chance I will, but hey!!!

"Blue"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:58am
It may be too late by now as you may be in class, but I think you should just take the advice of the others and pull back for now. Just be friendly and see how he moves things along. Let him call the shots for a little while. He's going to feel like his gf is watching him now, so he may be a little hesitant to jump back into things the way they were but if you're patient and give it time, it should work out. I certainly wouldn't make any bold moves right now unless you notice he's making some moves. Let the next step be his and if enough time passes and you feel comfortable and he hasn't done anything, then you can push him along a little further. But with all that just happened, now is NOT the time.