Should I tell his wife?

Avatar for jessi92346
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Should I tell his wife?
34
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:21pm
Hi everybody. im hoping to get some advice about my situation. i have been seeing a married man on and off for about three years. He's 20 years my senior and I am 20 years old. I just mhad a beautiful baby girl two months ago, and he is the father. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. he has three children the youngest being a 14 year old girl. He always said he had to stay with his wife even though he dioesn't love her because he needs to be around his daughter. i never bought the "i'm staying for the kids" story, but i liked being with him and knew that sex was the only thing we had in common although I have to admit I loved him tremendously and still do . well, the affair is over, and i've decided that i want to raise my baby on my own, and i don't want anyone to know she was a product of our affair. he has agreed to this. but i feel guilty about everything. everytime i see my daughter i am reminded of how it is my fault she will never have a father. I am so angry that he agreed to my decision so easily. what kind of man would just give up his daughter like that? one who doesnt want to get caught by his wife, i guess. well, tonite i called his house for the first time. his wife answered, and i hung up. i don't know what possessed me to call. i was going to tell her everything. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. if i have to suffer the guilt and shame for what i've done then he should have to too, right? someone tell me if im right or wrong. doesn't she deserve to know?

jessi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:14am
Grrrrrrrr...

You've been seeing this man for almost 3 years?

And you're 20? He's 40?

I'm sorry, but most of us on this board are older...

And I'm sorry but this man took advantage of a child...

How on earth did you ever get involved with him in the first place? Teacher?

NO, it's not YOUR job to tell the wife...

But if he was in a position of authority, the authorities need to know about this...before he takes advantage of another child...and at 17 , sweety, you were a child, although I know you probably disagree with me...

I think you need to go to court to prove paternity, and get child support for your child...

Ohhhhhhhhhhh this man just makes me sooooooo mad...



Laurie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:23am
HI Jessi

I agree with Laurie on all points.

I will add that your twenty your going to meet a REAL MAN someday who will love you and your baby, your just starting out honey.



FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:25am
* I apologize in advance for how stern I sound in this post *

I know where you are coming from. He is a snake and he should be paying child support to your daughter but what makes you think SHE deserves to know?

He sounds like a selfish b*****d and if ANYTHING you should feel sorry for HER! Her husband got a girl half his age pregnant. You know what? She might know that she is married to a snake. She might not. But why do you want to hurt her and their children when you are trying to hurt HIM????

THE BEST WAY TO HURT THIS MAN IS THOUGH HIS WALLET. Your child is entitled to monetary support until she is 18 or has finished college (if she chooses to go).

Find a social worker that can help you apply for COURT ORDERED support and find you a therapist to work though your anger/pain/guilt.

Regardless of how this affair and childbirth has aged you; you are a young girl. But I PROMISE if you get help from a good therapist that when the time is right, you will find a nice, kind man for yourself and he will be a great father to your daughter.

p.s. When a MM says he isn't going to leave his wife & family - HE MEANS IT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:59am
Hey Bucky! Honey -- no matter how you look at it you will have a long road ahead of you. Please think in terms of what is going to help your precious child, and let everything else go. The other ladies have spoken about paternity and responsibility and finances, so let me talk about 20 years down the road. Don't hide your daughter's paternity from her or ever think in terms of it as less than it is. She needs to know you loved her daddy. She's not a 'product' of anything - she's a reward! She may still have a daddy some day. You didn't rob her, he did. What he should have said was 'hell no you're not raising her without me -- I'm her dad!' Of course, he didn't -- his loss! So operate as if he doesn't exist. Go file for support, keep only fond memories of him in your mind because some day your little girl is going to need to know. Stick to the good details... believe me, she'll figure out the rest and you won't damage her self worth in the meantime. It's tough because he gave you a rotten deal and you can't even make him pay for it. But really, it's the child who pays not the feckless father. Hang tough honey. You have a dozen mothers here who will try and help you through it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 4:18pm
I completely agree with all the other posters on this board. You need to legally prove his paternity so that you can get all the money your beautiful baby is entitled to. You need to take care of this in court. You shouldn't call the wife on the phone and tell her everything, but when he's served with a paternity suit and child support payments, she'll know then! Also, even though you care about him, that baby is first and foremost your priority now.

This man makes me so mad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 4:28pm
This is one case I see as an exception to the "don't let the wife come to know rule". You need call his wife directly or indirectly let her know her husband has been sleeping around with a kid almost his daugther's age and she better watch him! You definitely need to make sure this man support you and you child. Do you have anybody to support you at this time - like your parents or friends?? THis is the time you need help and guidance esp with the newborn. Take care of yourself and that little baby...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:27pm
Juliet, I disagree that she should tell the man's wife...

She needs to tell her parents, the authorities, and the courts...

The wife will find out when he starts getting served...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:07pm
I think she should tell the man's wife and the authorities about what happened. I don't believe this is only child he has been carrying on with and I am sure his wife know about this already, if not about this particular girl's case. I bet its no surprise to the wife...
Avatar for jessi92346
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:24am
hi everybody. thanks for all the helpful responses. i will go after him for child support eventually. right now, there's just so much going on i don't know where to start with all the legal stuff. i moved in with my parents after i found out i was pregnant, and i just moved out again and started working full time, im not struggling financially yet, and my mom takes care of Amy when im working. but i know that somewhere down the line i will need his help. it just makes me so mad that i will have to take his help, i feel like it will put me in a position on vulnerability or something. it's hard to explain. im still not sure if i should tell his wife or not. i know now that im just one of the many extra marital affairs he's had, and there were rumors going around that he had another child somewhere out there. i met him at work. he asked me out the day after my eighteenth birthday. i didn;t know he was married until after our first date. i hadn't been working there that long so i hardly knew anything about anybody. i should have stopped it as soon as i found out. what the hell was wrong with me?????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:29am

Jessi honey... I'm usually one to say... you have no right to tell his wife... but in your instance... I feel that it may just be necessary.


I do agree with the others... that this man has certainly taken advantage of you... and as for using the 'I stay for the children' I feel it no longer cuts it in your circumstance... as he now has another child with you... and what about that child??


I think once you have your mind in order... as you will need to do this... talk to him... tell him how you feel... that you need for your child to have a father... whether that be in name only... you need it for your child.

Sweet
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