Should I tell his wife?

Avatar for jessi92346
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Should I tell his wife?
34
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:21pm
Hi everybody. im hoping to get some advice about my situation. i have been seeing a married man on and off for about three years. He's 20 years my senior and I am 20 years old. I just mhad a beautiful baby girl two months ago, and he is the father. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. he has three children the youngest being a 14 year old girl. He always said he had to stay with his wife even though he dioesn't love her because he needs to be around his daughter. i never bought the "i'm staying for the kids" story, but i liked being with him and knew that sex was the only thing we had in common although I have to admit I loved him tremendously and still do . well, the affair is over, and i've decided that i want to raise my baby on my own, and i don't want anyone to know she was a product of our affair. he has agreed to this. but i feel guilty about everything. everytime i see my daughter i am reminded of how it is my fault she will never have a father. I am so angry that he agreed to my decision so easily. what kind of man would just give up his daughter like that? one who doesnt want to get caught by his wife, i guess. well, tonite i called his house for the first time. his wife answered, and i hung up. i don't know what possessed me to call. i was going to tell her everything. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. if i have to suffer the guilt and shame for what i've done then he should have to too, right? someone tell me if im right or wrong. doesn't she deserve to know?

jessi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:34am
Sweety NOTHING is wrong with you...

Don't take this wrong, but you were young, and I'm sure the attention from this man was overwhelming and flattering...it's really hard not to be sucked into a miasma like that...

I know you don't want his help...

Look at it this way...

Your confronting him will EMPOWER you!!!

He will have to take responsibility for HIS role in this...

Consider him as the "sperm donor" (that's how I label my ex's file where our son is concerned) and realise that he does have a responsibility to help support your daughter financially...

The longer you put it off, the harder it will be to prove paternity...

I know it's tough, especially emotionally...

If you don't need the money, that's great...but you might one day, and usually the courts won't make it retroactive to when the child was born, they start it when the suit is filed and paternity established...

Open a separate savings account for it, don't touch it if you don't need to, use it down the road to take your daughter to DisneyWorld...for Playstations or whatever it may be then...for a college fund...downpayment on a house...

Going to his wife will only add acrimony to a rough situation, and it won't make you feel any better...

Sending good thoughts your way...

~Laurie~



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:02am
Jessi, I have been in your place before, ie, a man old enough to be my father raped me. This abuse continued for months till I told his wife who is a family friend. She took "care" of him after that and it seems I wasn't the his only victim - he had abused young pre teens/teenagers in the neighborhood before. That's why I felt you should tell his wife. Also since he is the father of your child, you should get support and not get too much into court fights for support for your child's sake. If you keep it in the family and make sure you get all the support you need from him with minimal help from the authorities. Then you move on with your life having learned a life lesson.

WOW, I can't believe I finally said all of that aloud in public. You did bring out some memories that were buried in my head.... :-)




Edited 3/2/2004 11:29:29 AM ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:08pm
Juliet....I was completely against her telling the wife....but after reading your story, I have changed my mind. God bless you and all you've gone through!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:42pm
((((((((((juliet))))))))))))) that is so bad...

But you were raped by a man who was obviously a pedophile...and as much as his wife could take care of him, that's one that SHOULD have been taken to the authorities...unless she cut off his nassy penis...

This man sounds more like a serial cheater (is that the term?)...

Once he's served with paternity and child support papers, she'll find out fast enough...




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:55pm
You know what, I am laughing at your suggestion of cutting his penis off - so its a good sign, or so my therapist will say... LOL

I don't she cut him off, but it did stop him from taking advantage of me and the other teenagers. In fact I did not know about him being a pedophile until a few years ago when I heard he had died from my aunt. I did not know what to do back then - except that I knew I wasn't doing the right thing. I did not tell my parents or anybody else - just kept it to myself. I stopped going to his house once his wife knew about it - but I could tell she was not surprised when I told her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:57pm
Thanks for the hug. Now you know why I can be a little "different" sometimes. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 2:11pm
Oh, Juliet....we all have our quirks at times. Yours are just justified - LOL! We really are a family here!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:00pm
Jessi - OMG I'm so sorry to hear about your dilema. What a pure creep this man is. I think they should teach a course in school about healthy relationships vs unhealthy. Seems schools are more concerned with birth control. I wish someone would have told me. When your parents are going through the same unhealthy relationships and there is no religion in your life, how's a young girl going suppose to know about relationships.

Your creep sounds like my stbxh. I wonder why not one single OW told me what he did to them. Some of you say the wife probably knows, I didn't - - he had excuses for anything I questioned and creep friends and their wives who would back it up. If one of the OW would have told me, I would have ended my marriage a long time ago. It would have saved some suffering - - but then you never know. You could open up a whole new can of worms, what if the W forgives the creep and they want visitation rights. That's scary!

Avatar for jessi92346
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:53pm
hi everyone. i've decided that i will tell his wife. i just don't know what to say or how to say it. should i tell her im someone else who knows about her husbands affair, or should i introduce myself as the OW and go from there? what exactly is the best way to tell her? what do i say. do i tell her everything? all the details, or just the need to know basics?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:07am
Well, sweety, looks like I'm in the minority on this one...

I just read your first post again...

What do you say?

Hi, my name is Jessi, and I've been having an affair with your husband for the last three years and he and I have a 2 month old baby?

Is this woman mean and nasty?

No feelings?

All you're going to do is hurt HER...when you want to punish him...

Revenge really isn't sweet...

What do you think will happen when you do this?

That she will kick his butt to the curb and he'll come running to you?

Why would you want him?

Regardless of what you say to her, you're going to come off as the "scorned woman"...

Get an attorney, get the papers ready to serve asking for a paternity test and child support, call her the day before, and explain as nicely as possible that you want to warn her what is going to be happening...that you don't mean to hurt her, but that you felt she needed to be informed about it...

Good luck...

~Laurie~