Should I tell his wife?

Avatar for jessi92346
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Should I tell his wife?
34
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:21pm
Hi everybody. im hoping to get some advice about my situation. i have been seeing a married man on and off for about three years. He's 20 years my senior and I am 20 years old. I just mhad a beautiful baby girl two months ago, and he is the father. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. he has three children the youngest being a 14 year old girl. He always said he had to stay with his wife even though he dioesn't love her because he needs to be around his daughter. i never bought the "i'm staying for the kids" story, but i liked being with him and knew that sex was the only thing we had in common although I have to admit I loved him tremendously and still do . well, the affair is over, and i've decided that i want to raise my baby on my own, and i don't want anyone to know she was a product of our affair. he has agreed to this. but i feel guilty about everything. everytime i see my daughter i am reminded of how it is my fault she will never have a father. I am so angry that he agreed to my decision so easily. what kind of man would just give up his daughter like that? one who doesnt want to get caught by his wife, i guess. well, tonite i called his house for the first time. his wife answered, and i hung up. i don't know what possessed me to call. i was going to tell her everything. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. if i have to suffer the guilt and shame for what i've done then he should have to too, right? someone tell me if im right or wrong. doesn't she deserve to know?

jessi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:09am
I agree with Laurie....that's the route I would take. Remember, it's not the W's fault that her H did what he did to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:28am

hi jessi - honey, what a mess for you!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:05pm
Wait a minute, ladies

my heart goes out to you, and your situation being now a single mom.

But sweetie, I must urge you to take responsibility for your own actions.

we as women ultimately make the choice to protect ourselves against a pregnancy or not.

I was married for 10 years, two kids, and I never drug my ex in court for support. Take some ownership. the wife did nothing to you ! you said you want to raise the child on your own, so he went along with it. Well if you did not want this why did you even ask him, actually told him that thisis your wish, now that he complied with it you all dog him out. sorry ladies not fair.

I made a vow to myself that should I become pregnant from this affair I would not hold him financially responsible, simply because his wife would find out. this is not fair ! please take some responsibility for your life and your actions .

I wish you strenght and courage.....(PS: I was the wife who found out about my then husband having a child w someone else during our marriage, now I am on the other en dof the rope.....just in case anyone is wondering) having this beautiful girl of yours is worse more then any amount of child support he will ever have to pay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 3:05pm
I'm sorry, but he DOES need to take responsibility...


I'm not sure you are to be commended for not making YOUR ex help support his children...he is their father after all, isn't he?

It takes 2 to tango, and I'm sure this child was not a planned one...condoms break, the pill isn't 100% effective, happened to me while I was taking it and was on antibiotics...

So don't lay this all on her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:28pm
nope not laying it all on her, but we don;t know how it happened.

And I just was saying if you are involved in an AFFAIR, and you knew he was married, well certain other "rules" just apply, especially if you are talking about telling his wife !

Ok,now instead of OW, just make the Wife miserable also, not sure if this is the right approach. All I was saying we all are adults and are equally responsible for the situations we put ourselves in and the choices we make.
Avatar for jessi92346
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:32pm
we were not using protection. he said he was sterile. i know it was my fault for believing him and not protecting myself anyway, if i didn't want to take responsiblity for the mistakes i made, i would have had an abortion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:57pm
jessi, I changed my mind about your situation. I think you should not tell the wife, for I am sure she doesn't need to know it from you, anyway. As far as equating abortion not taking responsibility, thay is not true. There are so many differnet conditions that make the people take choices that they do - whether be it for life or to end it. Good luck with your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:04pm

Jessi honey... if I were you I would not go directly to his wife... not just yet.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:29pm
Okay...I know that being the "wife", I'm not supposed to post here, so guys, please don't be mad at me...

Jessie...child support is your daughter's right. It's not for you to decide that she doesn't need it. It's her right. That money belongs to her, not you, not your MM, not his wife and not his children. You have a moral obligation to act in her behalf to make sure that she is well provided for. In fact, for you not to file paternity and obtain child support can be considered child neglect. Only you can come forward and claim what is rightfully hers, and you must do this for her because she can't do it for herself.

I was so angry when I read your post, because what this man did to you is horrible. In fact, perhaps you should have one of your parents approach his wife. Listen, if my H were to do something like this, I would want to know because I would want to protect my daughters and my daughter's friends. But I can understand how it might not be a good idea for you to approach her yourself. If a 17 year old girl were to come to me and say that she had an affair with my 37-year-old husband, I think my first call would be to the police to report my H, and you can be sure that I would have no problem with my H paying child support....that's what ANY decent human being would do.

So the first thing to do is file the appropriate papers, and then I would ask my mother or father or a good older friend to approach the wife with the information. I think the wife has a right to know, if only to protect her own family. If she's a good person, she won't blame you for the horrible actions of her H.

Hugs...

Georgie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 1:38am
Georgie...

Thank you for putting your spin on this...

What you said really clarified my opinion on Jessi's situation.

And your opinion that her parents or an older friend confront the MM's wife was an excellent idea (and Jessi this isn't a knock on you), it would preclude what could be an extremely emotional encounter between the two.

~Laurie~

PS..Why were you here?

(Hoping it's not because you feel your husband could be cheating, if it is, and he is, I hope it's not with me...)