Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired...

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired...
4
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 3:48pm

I think it's time to bow out of the A.  After being ignored last night, I don't know if I want to continue to do this.  It never changes; after 6 years, it is getting old.  It doesn't feel good anymore; I am not having fun.  I know it is just sex, but I want so much more that will never be.  My feelings are there, and I am tired of ignoring them and playing along with his game.  He is a selfish jerk who doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own.  He is a womanizer, who is lonely and needs to feel validated. 

Why?  The question keeps rolling around my head.  Why do I deal w/his bs?  Why do I continue to be his fool who will do anything for him?  Why do I have to feel like crap and care about someone who doesn't care back?  None of it makes sense!!!  Any reasonable person would have walked away.  What is wrong with me?  I have a loving H, who will move mountains for me, and I want the a@@hole!!!!!

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:40am

I'm sorry hun.  There are a lot of reasonable people in your situation, so don't be so hard on yourself.  Do you feel like your yourself & can share your feelings with H?  I mentioned in one of your last posts that I couldn't tell if you like AP as a person, and I know you're upset here, but it doesn't seem like you really do.  How was it that he ignored you?  Have you heard from him since?  I hope you're feeling better today.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 11:13am

Thank you.  I am trying not to be hard on myself, but that isn't easy.  A's are full of ups and downs, and I know that. 

No, I don't feel like myself when in the A.  I am obsessed and addicted, and my mood swings are not right.  I am already on a depression drug, and have been on different ones over the years.  Yes, I can talk about anything w/H.  Whether I want to, is another story.  I prefer not to let him on that I am feeling it, because of the A.  He will question, and things will just not be good. 

And no, I do not like AP, and that is why I don't know why I keep wanting him and getting butterflies when I think of him.  I should have left well enough alone, but obviously I couldn't and didn't want to. 

He will just ignore for days.  And I sent him a text on Monday night...I never got a response.  So, when I texted him yesterday because I had had enough, he said he never got the texts.  Whatever!!

I am feeling better.  It's a new day, and there is no reason to let him get under my skin for too long. 

Thank you so much for responding!!!

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

Yes, A's are full of ups & downs and we all feel crazy over it at times, but you deserve to feel good more than bad.  I totally believe you can walk away from AP & be happier, but you may need some outside help in figuring out the whole dynamic of the addiction.  How did you feel during the time you were away from him?

Are you in love with H?  I didn't mean you should tell him anything that would give the A away; just curious what your R is like.  It worries me that your risking your M over someone who's not going to care or be there for you if it hits the fan, and it would be soooo horrible for you to deal with the loss of both at the same time.

Be kind to yourself today! :smileywink:

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
I would be happier, yes. I just long for him and the sex is amazing.
I love H very very much. After all these years the on love feeling has dwindled but I will never leave him. I wouldn't want to lose him. I have not contacted AP and I don't plan on it!!! Today is better.

 

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