Sinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sinking
23
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:11pm
I'm beginning to feel like a big whiner on this board, but where else would I turn.

My H decided he needed to do some more talking, which is good, but he says that I'm being vague in my answers and he wants me to open up more. I'm not sure what he is looking for. I have been brutely honest in my responses regarding the A and my feelings toward xMM. He says it's not enough, and then he ended up breaking down crying. By this time, we had been rehashing everything for a couple of hours, he kept telling me that I'm not being honest with myself, let alone him, so I really didn't have very much sympathy. I just said, I'm sorry, I'm so friggin' tired and I don't know what you want me to say. He ended up sleeping on the couch.

This morning, my H sent me an email at work, apologizing for his break-down. I told him never to apologize, that maybe we should see a marriage counsellor. He replied that he doesn't think that a counsellor will do anything more than what we are doing already, and that his schedule doesn't really allow for it (true). He said he doesn't want me to hold back anything, and not to worry about hurting him further in the telling of the truth.

So this is where I responded with total honesty. "If XXXX were to leave his wife, would I want to be with him - Yes. Would it be easy for me to walk away from our life together - No. Would your feelings and the feelings of our kids be instrumental in me making a decision - Yes. Would it be an easy decision - No. Do I know what my decision would be - No. If, his marriage doesn't work out, would he even want me - I have no idea. Do I think that's going to happen - No. Do I want to be alone - No. Am I using you as a consolation prize - Maybe. Is my heart broken - Yes. If he hadn't ended it, would I still be involved - Probably, but as I told you, I don't think I could have lasted much longer with the deception, I would have ended up telling you eventually. Do I want our marriage to work - Yes. Would I want our marriage to work, if his didn't - I don't know."

Anyway, he responded back with "Thats the honesty I was looking for.Thank you.

I to want our marriage to work and if that means

being second fiddle I guess I'm willing to accept

that.So please don't hold back any more Ok.

ALL MY LOVE XXXX."

I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. I am leaning over the edge of depression, barely holding on. I ended up running home during my lunch, making love with my H - trying desperately to hold on to anything.

Dig me a hole, let me climb in, cover me over!

Red





Edited 4/22/2004 8:51 am ET ET by red_bella

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:20pm
I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom that would make you feel better, but unfortunatley I don't. (((HUGS)))

Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:30pm
What I am finding from my situation is that we simply cannot help how we feel. Emotions are way too powerful. I had an affair on my x and now am cheating on my bf. I feel like a complete schmuck, but I cannot deny myself happiness either.

I'm sure my words are not much help, but remember to take care of YOU first! Then your kids, then your H.

Good luck!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:33pm
.


Edited 4/27/2004 10:21 am ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:41pm
OK, I don't know how many words of wisdom this will be for you, but I am going to try.....I found out 4 years ago that my H had A's. I wanted desperately to work things out with him, just as I am sure your H feels right now. I asked 1000's of questions...some of them over and over and over.....let me try to explain the best I can WHY I did that.....I wanted honesty too, BRUTAL honesty. To me it wasn't so much about the answers H gave me (they were definately painful to hear) but about the consistencey of his stories and the willingness to be honest. I felt that if he told me the truth no matter how painful, of terrible it was, then I could trust him to be honest with me in the future.....if he lied to me about the answers, I felt he would lie to me about anything he felt necessary to hide. Its a matter of getting that trust back, bringing the intamacy away from the OW and back to me. I wanted him to rat on her if you will. I wanted him to tell me her secrets.... it told my H that she knew about me, the entire time, my schedules, if I was home, if I was away...etc. I knew nothing about her. I wanted some of that knowledge. It's strange and hard to explain how it makes you feel. If he told a story different then I would pick up on the differences and think he was hiding stuff from me. Of course in my situation my H never told the truth. The story change as much as he changed clothes......which leads me to this board and my present situation. He knows that I've had a casual affair about a year ago. He knows that he had it coming, it was strickly done out of revenge on my part.....if it was "just sex" and meant "nothing" and I should just "get over it" then let him see how the other side of that felt. I hate what I did to him. It benefited my cause NONE. The A I am in now is something totally different but I have brought suspicion down on me and now it is hard for me to get away as often as I would like. I am still married but I have no marriage. I think there was a point that it could have been saved but he lied to me over and over when things were supposed to be "out there". I think you H is just in that spot. Also, when you hear the brutal truth, you feel less vulnerable to the other painful aspects of the A. After a while, things he said or I found out on my own, has less of a life of their own.......I owned THEM. It helped me to control the hurt.

Hope this helps some....be patient......he is trying, it is just terribly difficult. And don't try to hide stuff. It only makes it worse. Remember your willingness to talk to him and try to help him through this is what he is looking for.......

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:56pm
I wanted to add you went home and had sex with H. That looks like you guy are connecting at the physical level too along with emotional. I don't know your history with H but it sounds like all H needed was a wake up call and your A probably did that to him. I know you didn't seek it out as a revenge, but it seems to have done the trick. This crisis has bought you both more closer, and take advantacge of it. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:03pm
Oh Red! I am sooooo sorry! And boy can I relate to a lot of what you wrote! The answers you gave your H about your feelings about your M and xMM - I would give those same answers to my DH if he asked. (DH knows about my relationship with MM, but I don't think he knows the depths of my feelings.) It is so damn hard, isn't it? I feel like I'm bearing so much pain these days - mine, DH, MM, even MM's W. Ugh.

(((((GIANT HUGS))))) I wish there was more I could do. Again, please remember that you aren't alone in what you are going through. And keep your chin up, OK? I will if you will! Try to have faith that everyone will get through this and in the end, things will work out as they should. Sometimes I find great comfort in that.

Kitty: Thank you for your post - it gave a lot of insight as to what MM might be going through with his W right now. They are in counseling trying to resolve things. I don't hear from him much and while I get sad about it, at the same time I understand how difficult it is. I feel like a horrible person because even though I want to try to work things out with DH, I don't want to lose MM out of my life either. Call me a cake eater I guess. I don't know. Anyway, thanks again!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:06pm
I guess I am in the minority here. But I don't think this issue is at all resolved. Far from it. And I do think counseling would be a great idea. No matter how much you talk, very rarely will you be able to steer the conversation the right way or truly examine your motives and meanings behind your words without guidance. I am a very introspective person and my counseling opened my eyes to a lot I had been overlooking.

I also don't think the things you told your H will be helpful in the long run. Some things are better left unsaid. Sure, he wanted to know everything, but that doesn't mean he really wanted or needed to know it all. The things that were said may have damaged the chances of the M working more than you know. I think the fact your H said he is willing to be "second fiddle" to make your M work is horrible. That shows a tremendous lack of self-esteem and is likely to make you respect him even less. He should want and deserve being number 1 in your life. And if you can't give him that, I don't think you should be with him. What if your MM does eventually get divorced and seek you out? Are you going to hurt your H all over again? And if he is second on your list now, how do you know he won't be third down the road? I just think a lot of counseling is the only hope for saving this M long term. And you need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may need to walk away at some point if you can't fully commit to him.

Either way, please seek some help. You know I wish you nothing but happiness Red, but you've got to seek your own happiness without clinging to others out of desperation. It isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to you. Good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:09pm
Dear Red, I told this story once before.. but let me tell it again.

A guy dug a six-foot hole. He was standing down, looking at the hole he dug and fell in. He realized right away that he couldn't get out. He looked up at the dark sky and noticed a doctor walking by. "Doctor," he cried "I'm stuck and can't get out of this hole!" The doctor threw him a couple of aspirins and told him to call in the morning. Then he walked away. The guy then noticed a priest walking by. "Father" he cried, "I can't get out of this hole I dug!" The Father looked down, made the sign of the cross, then walked away - But the guy was still stuck in the hole. Then he noticed his friend walking by. "Friend" he cried "I'm stuck in this hole and I can't get out!" The friend quickly jumped into the hole with him. "What are you doing?" the guy said. "Now we're both stuck." The friend just smiled. "We're not stuck" he said. I've been in a hole before and I can show you the way out."

This is me jumping in the hole with you. I don't know the way out, but I'm glad to keep you company until you can find the way out on your own. I'm sending a hug your way since I can't think of any good advice. Saturday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:50pm
kitty,

Thank you for your post. I really got a lot of insight into why the W and the OW ask so many questions about everything. Wow, this information about consistancy and intimacy... this was important stuff I didn't realize. Now a lot of questions from both sides make sense, and I never understood before why an SO would ask for such brutally honest information.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:04pm
As usual, I knew I could count on all of you wonderful people. With all of the emotions running rampid in my mind, why can't I think of this stuff myself.

Kitty - thank you very much for your perspective as the BS. It is very helpful in helping me understand what my H must be going through.

Omaham - I also appreciate your insight, more than you may realize. I also found it to be very sad when my H said he could accept being "second fiddle", and I immediately replied to him saying that I do not consider him as second - that I just happen to love them both. I also agree that counselling is required, and I will be seeking IC - I think I'm very afraid of it, and what it may reveal about myself, but I owe it to myself and my H to give it a try

GB2 and Saturday - thank you so much for your support. Saturday, I love that story and I thank you for getting in the hole with me. GB2 you always have something nice to say to make me feel better.

Julie - funny thing about my emotions and feelings - they are up and down like a yo-yo most times. Yes, I am happy that H loves me so much and we are connecting physically and emotionally which is a blessing

What more can I say. I don't know what I would do without you all. Thank you and know that I will return your kind gestures in time I'm sure.

Take care,

Red

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