Sinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sinking
23
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:11pm
I'm beginning to feel like a big whiner on this board, but where else would I turn.

My H decided he needed to do some more talking, which is good, but he says that I'm being vague in my answers and he wants me to open up more. I'm not sure what he is looking for. I have been brutely honest in my responses regarding the A and my feelings toward xMM. He says it's not enough, and then he ended up breaking down crying. By this time, we had been rehashing everything for a couple of hours, he kept telling me that I'm not being honest with myself, let alone him, so I really didn't have very much sympathy. I just said, I'm sorry, I'm so friggin' tired and I don't know what you want me to say. He ended up sleeping on the couch.

This morning, my H sent me an email at work, apologizing for his break-down. I told him never to apologize, that maybe we should see a marriage counsellor. He replied that he doesn't think that a counsellor will do anything more than what we are doing already, and that his schedule doesn't really allow for it (true). He said he doesn't want me to hold back anything, and not to worry about hurting him further in the telling of the truth.

So this is where I responded with total honesty. "If XXXX were to leave his wife, would I want to be with him - Yes. Would it be easy for me to walk away from our life together - No. Would your feelings and the feelings of our kids be instrumental in me making a decision - Yes. Would it be an easy decision - No. Do I know what my decision would be - No. If, his marriage doesn't work out, would he even want me - I have no idea. Do I think that's going to happen - No. Do I want to be alone - No. Am I using you as a consolation prize - Maybe. Is my heart broken - Yes. If he hadn't ended it, would I still be involved - Probably, but as I told you, I don't think I could have lasted much longer with the deception, I would have ended up telling you eventually. Do I want our marriage to work - Yes. Would I want our marriage to work, if his didn't - I don't know."

Anyway, he responded back with "Thats the honesty I was looking for.Thank you.

I to want our marriage to work and if that means

being second fiddle I guess I'm willing to accept

that.So please don't hold back any more Ok.

ALL MY LOVE XXXX."

I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. I am leaning over the edge of depression, barely holding on. I ended up running home during my lunch, making love with my H - trying desperately to hold on to anything.

Dig me a hole, let me climb in, cover me over!

Red





Edited 4/22/2004 8:51 am ET ET by red_bella

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:56pm
I disagree. I'm not saying he clearly has self-esteem issues. But that statement shows a willingness to accept less than what he deserves. That to me is a bad sign. I understand it is better than yelling and screaming and reacting in a totally negative way. He needs to be willing to forgive and move on, but he also needs to stand up for himself and accept nothing less than her total commitment. Otherwise, the marriage will be on a very unsteady foundation that could crumble at any time. I know this will be a process, but I just question whether Red is really willing to commit herself to saving this M. That is why I recommended counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:59pm
Ok, I get your point now. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: red_bella
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:41pm
Oh boy! All that rollercoaster emotions you must have gone through for the couple of days. ((((( hugs)))))

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