Sinking
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| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:11pm |
My H decided he needed to do some more talking, which is good, but he says that I'm being vague in my answers and he wants me to open up more. I'm not sure what he is looking for. I have been brutely honest in my responses regarding the A and my feelings toward xMM. He says it's not enough, and then he ended up breaking down crying. By this time, we had been rehashing everything for a couple of hours, he kept telling me that I'm not being honest with myself, let alone him, so I really didn't have very much sympathy. I just said, I'm sorry, I'm so friggin' tired and I don't know what you want me to say. He ended up sleeping on the couch.
This morning, my H sent me an email at work, apologizing for his break-down. I told him never to apologize, that maybe we should see a marriage counsellor. He replied that he doesn't think that a counsellor will do anything more than what we are doing already, and that his schedule doesn't really allow for it (true). He said he doesn't want me to hold back anything, and not to worry about hurting him further in the telling of the truth.
So this is where I responded with total honesty. "If XXXX were to leave his wife, would I want to be with him - Yes. Would it be easy for me to walk away from our life together - No. Would your feelings and the feelings of our kids be instrumental in me making a decision - Yes. Would it be an easy decision - No. Do I know what my decision would be - No. If, his marriage doesn't work out, would he even want me - I have no idea. Do I think that's going to happen - No. Do I want to be alone - No. Am I using you as a consolation prize - Maybe. Is my heart broken - Yes. If he hadn't ended it, would I still be involved - Probably, but as I told you, I don't think I could have lasted much longer with the deception, I would have ended up telling you eventually. Do I want our marriage to work - Yes. Would I want our marriage to work, if his didn't - I don't know."
Anyway, he responded back with "Thats the honesty I was looking for.Thank you.
I to want our marriage to work and if that means
being second fiddle I guess I'm willing to accept
that.So please don't hold back any more Ok.
ALL MY LOVE XXXX."
I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. I am leaning over the edge of depression, barely holding on. I ended up running home during my lunch, making love with my H - trying desperately to hold on to anything.
Dig me a hole, let me climb in, cover me over!
Red
Edited 4/22/2004 8:51 am ET ET by red_bella

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