Sleepless in Seattle?
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|Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:33pm|
Some of you may be about as crazy as I am. And that is pretty damn crazy! A few brave souls have asked me to come clean as far as my 'story'. So put on something a little more comfortable. Get underneath the blankets. Because soon you will find yourself fast asleep!
I have rushed into many unhealthy relationships in the past. With basically all of the wrong women for me. Trying to find the love that I never felt growing up. Not really because of what I need. Simply because of what I wish to give. I have just learned the hard way that you cannot really force things. Even when those wants are the most important to you. I try to take life as a learning experience. So I've resigned myself to the fact that when I stop looking so hard, then maybe something good will come to me. Rather hard for a passionate person to cope with. But I truly feel it is for the best. See why I tend to stress not always forcing things?
I have never had an AP per se. So I cannot completely relate to how all of you feel. Yet I do see things that I can both recognize and appreciate. I was in an unhappy marraige for many years with a woman with bipolar disorder. Basically hated to talk. Refused to try counseling of any sort. She would go on and off pills all the time without the permission of her doctor. When I would try to tell her it was not the best of ideas, she would get more mad and start to cut herself. So even though I realized that she was not the love of my life, I still cared for her and wanted her to be happy. Obviously I did not want her to walk around with any extra bruises. So I would keep things inside so as to try to avoid fights. I know what it is like to keep things within. It eats you up after awhile. It totally sucks. See why I continue to stress the importance of honesty?
Our sex life was literally nonexistent. She was into some really freaky stuff. I am much more into the seductive and sensual side of sex. I need there to be a sort of connection in order to feel any arousal. I just did not feel it with her. One day, she said that she wanted to try to open things up. I really did not want to. But again I wanted to 'please' her and make her as happy as possible. I do not like to easily give up on things and wanted to try to make it work. More than anything, I missed the actual intimacy. So suddenly, I had a free pass to go out and have as much sex as I wanted with as many women as possible. I did not have sex with anyone. What other man in his right mind has a hall pass and does not use it? See how crazy I really am? She met a man right away. They actually had sex many times. In our house. She was honest and open about it. Even though I agreed to the situation, it still really bothered me. But I had no legs to stand on. One mistake of many I made was not establishing any ground rules. See why I continue to stress the importance of communication?
I got to the point in which I realized that even as giving as I try to be, that I deserved to be happy. I could not live nor sacrifice my life for anyone else. Not even my spouse nor her daughter. One that I tried to treat as my own. A daughter I have not talked to in a few years. Not because I do not want to. Because her mom does not want for me to have contact with her. I realized that the decision I made to leave had consequences that went along with it. So yes, I deserve to be happy. But there is also a world that exists outside of my own. And I still want my ex and daughter to be happy. See why I continue to stress the importance of balance?
Then I unexpectedly met someone. Not just someone. Someone who literally took my breath away. Someone who made me feel like I could fly. The craziest thing of all is that she really seemed to like me. Saying such things as "I don't want this to ever stop", "You are a constant to me now and I can't get you out of my mind", "I want to be the only one to do that to you for a very long time because that is how you make me feel", "Because of how strongly I feel about you, I want to constantly remind you so that you will never need to ask me how I feel about you", "You make me so happy", "When we meet, I will be the happiest I have ever been", "I think I am falling for you, will you catch me?" "I like ending my day with you", "You have been the best thing to happen to me in a long time", and "There are times when I think of you and wonder why I did not stumble upon you sooner, so many things I need, so many things I want, that I get a little watery eyed thinking what this all is". Sorry for all the examples. Just thought that they may help.
She has two young daughters and has just been divorced. I obviously know exactly what it is like. All the transition within your life. So many changes. You trust that the long run will bring you happiness but the short term brings many tears and guilt. So I was very, very aware of this when we first started to talk. We both agreed to take things slow. Even with the intense attraction. Also believed that being friends was most important and vital to any happy relationship. Talked on the phone all the time and texted like there was no tommorrow. Sent e-mails to one another all the time. Ended our days talking to one another and saying good night. We agreed to meet and did a few weeks ago. The weekend was just beautiful. We did not have sex at all but the kissing and touching was even better. She claimed that the weekend was amazing.
Since I got back home, things have started to be different. She seemed sort of stand-offish. Has barely texted me recently and when she does it is always trivial things. Has not e-mailed like she used to. We no longer talk every night. I know one thing she said is that meeting me made it all so real. So I have tried to be understanding and have given her the space she seems to have been needing. Sort of hard when she said all those other things to me and again being as passionate as I am. But I know that if you truly care about someone, what is best for them sometimes is what is best. So I have not pushed anything. Have liked taking the time to get to know her because the most special things all take time. See why I continue to stress the importance of considering that there is always another person on the opposite end?
So recently, she texted me and said that the ex met a woman and that the kids have met her already. Even after only a few weeks of dating. She told me how selfish it was of him to not think of how it may effect her daughters. I could not agree more. I e-mailed her and told her that I totally get why she is upset and that she has every right in the world to be frustrated. That with this being a period of transition, the kids need as much consistency as possible. That even though kids think in simple terms, their feelings are no less important. I confirmed to her that I was here for her no matter what and that she was very special to me. I did not say anything romantic at all. Did not seem like the time or the place for it. I just wanted to be there for her as much as possible so that she would know that I care. And not just there with mere lip service and fancy words. See why I stress the importance of letting a person's actions be as important as the words?
So I do not have an AP. Nor have I ever had one. But I do know what it is like to live in a relationship without being happy. I do know what it is like to exist in a relationship without enough great sex. I do know what it is like to not have honest and open communication. I do know what it is like to get sucked into someone you care about because of words alone. I do know what it is like to struggle between guilt/responsibilty and happiness. I do know what it is like to ache for change and yet to also be afraid of it. I do know what it is like not to know what the next day will bring you when you are involved with someone you really care about. I do know what is is like to want to be wanted. And I do know what it is like to want to ultimately have it all with just that one special person. I do know how much of a struggle crazy relationships can be. This is why I feel the desire to help as much as possible. Giving is so much more rewarding than getting. And thus the reason for all of my crazy advice.
So I did not make an initial post of my own on here because technically my 'story' does not match. But some of you continue to insist. Well, and my name does speak volumes and all.
There. So hopefully I 'pleased' some of you. And hopefully did not overstep my place with all others.
Now if you were sleepless in Seattle, Los Angeles, or anywhere else in the world, I bet that you are no longer wide awake, are you!
My job here is done.
Time to study my ABC's before bed.
Anyone care to join me?