Slightly OT; job advice?
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| Tue, 03-16-2010 - 8:59pm |
I'm posting this here because I'm living the charade IRL that AP and I have stopped seeing each other so the advice I'm getting from my IRL friends is watered down and missing the mark. He is not advertising that he and his GF are separated because he's still not sure if he's going to try to reconcile with her, so I haven't wanted to be the one to share his personal business with our friends or co-workers. But his being separated from her factors in to an important decision that I'm about to make about my job, and I need advice. For that matter, his being my co-worker period (separated from GF or not) factors into my decision.
We work together. It's how we met. Sometimes it's great because we can't really fight. We have no choice but to be cordial to each other at work, so we usually resolve any arguments right away, without waiting. We are both emotional people who can't just put aside what we're feeling until a more convenient time, but we also can't get into it right on the sales floor, so we have to be nice to each other and resolve things before they can get out of hand. I like that part. I like the guarantee that I will see him each and every single day. It also sucks though because sometimes we're not the best at being discreet about our A and rumor has run rampant at our place of business. In our line of work there is not really a stigma attached to adultery in general, but there are concerns about our favoring one another or being distracted by what is going on between us. Our boss brought these specific concerns to our attention when he was sure we were seeing each other and that was when we told him (separately) that we were no longer seeing each other. We have never stopped seeing each other, but we have been pretending.
So I recently began negotiations with another employer, and they really want me. There are many reasons for me to go there, even though I do not hate the place I work now. The compensation plan is better at the place I'm considering going; I will probably make at least $10,000 more per year there. There will be other perks to going to the new place like better chances for recognition within my industry. Additionally, I'll be away from AP. This could be a good thing because he DOES distract me on the job which directly impacts how much money I make. It could also be a good thing because (as he has specifically mentioned) if he is really leaving his GF, we would be free to date without worrying about the professional repercussions. But there are disadvantages to going to the new place too. I would be doubling my commute for one thing. It would only be an hour each way which is not the END of the world, but it would stink. I also dislike the idea of starting over at a new place when I just became eligible for health benefits at the place I'm at now. Additionally, I'll be away from AP. This could be a bad thing because I will MISS him, and the unknown of where things will go between us once we are no longer seeing each other every day makes me very nervous. I don't want to lose him.
What would you do? I think the new place would mean getting just a little more married to my job in order to achieve more money and status. I think staying at my current place would mean choosing quality of life (shorter commute, lower volume of business) over better compensation/success. In terms of AP, going to the new place could mean that things go sideways between us once and for all, or it could mean that we are free to pursue a real, open relationship if he stays separated from his GF.
Advice?

I would try to make the decision as if AP wasn't a part of it. It's your life and your future - AP may or may not be a part of it, you have to decide this based on your own future.
To ME it sounds like a good move. You said this:
"The compensation plan is better at the place I'm considering going; I will probably make at least $10,000 more per year there. There will be other perks to going to the new place like better chances for recognition within my industry."
That's a lot of "pros" to counteract the "con" of a longer commute. The health benefits thing is temporary - you will qualify soon enough at your new place - get everything possible done now (check-ups, teeth cleaning, etc.) so that the months without health benefits will not be a problem.
IF you and AP are really in love and he is really separating from his G/F, then this new job will not affect your relationship. If his feelings are only there because he sees you everyday, then they are not strong enough to keep your relationship together. It might be good for him to miss you a little! If this new job ends your relationship - then it wasn't a strong enough relationship anyway. Don't let yourself make this decision based on you knowing you will miss seeing your AP every day. There's a real possibility that the two of you won't work out anyway, and then how will you feel, stuck working with him, knowing that you had a great offer that you didn't take.
I would say grab this offer. And congrats to you for getting this offer in the first place! You must be awesome at what you do. :-)
You've got a lot of choices. I
Thank you for your great advice. I decided this morning that I was definitely taking the new job and I met with my future sales manager this afternoon to let him know. I agreed wholeheartedly with your sentiment that if mine and AP's relationship is not strong enough to withstand the reality of not seeing each other every single day, it's not strong enough for me to spend my time on it period. I kind of like the idea that we will both have to put forth a little more effort to maintain the relationship if it's important enough to us.
I had AP over for dinner tonight and while we had a wonderful time, I sensed that something was different. After he left here, he started texting me which I thought was weird because he had asked me not to call him. He told me that it's over. I was cool about it because I think I sort of saw it coming. He told me that he thinks he and his GF are going to try to work things out, and I impressed myself by being rational enough to tell him that he probably wasn't giving their relationship the fair shot it deserved if he continued to see me, so this was the right choice. I am very disappointed about this but I have been discontent with being the other woman A LOT, and I know it's healthier for me to leave the relationship for my own reasons too, so I'm not fighting him on this.
I don't think this is really the end for us. We have tried to go our separate ways a bunch of times and it never happens that way. But if anything, I am more ready than ever for the fresh start of a new job, and I look forward to starting there this weekend. The bottom line for me on the job front is that I would always wonder "what if" if I didn't take this chance, and I hate having regrets. So I'm just going to jump in head first.
You've got a lot of choices. I