So Close and yet still so Far
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| Sun, 01-24-2010 - 12:38am |
As you may be aware I am in LDA. AP and I only see each other a couple of times a year. We are currently planning a rendezvous in March. :)
The other night he called me, I knew something was wrong we don't usually chat then, when I answered he didn't sound very good. He tells me he's on his way to my state b/c he'd received word that his father is dying. We chatted only briefly but he said he needed to hear my voice and he wanted to let me know about what was going on. He said he'd stay in contact.
And he has, he's been sweet about letting me know what's going on. Obviously I'm worried about him. I recently lost some very close members of my family and while everyone's experience is personal I can sympathize with his heart break.
I know he's grateful that I care, but it is really hard to not be able to do more for him. To be so close (he's only an hour away as opposed to the 12 hours normally) and yet still so far away. He is here alone the rest of fam (wife and kids) didn't come with him. Don't know why we don't usually talk about spouses.
Here's something I feel I can only confess on this board... there is part of me that's also feeling a bit selfish b/c I really want to see him. Feeling sad b/c its as if he's close enough to touch but yet I can't. He's talked about wishing and daydreaming about us seeing one another; but we all know that affairland is made of wishes and dreams. So while I'd love to I won't hold my breath. It's definitely not something I'm going to push for tho. This isn't the time.
Thanks for reading my rant. Just wanted to express it... the ache is so strong knowing he's just outta my reach. Its much more manageable when he's 1/2 a continent away.

I feel your pain, kp. I am also in a LDA with someone who lives 8 hours away. We've only seen each other twice since Sept. We were supposed to meet two weeks ago, but things came up on my end and his end which caused us to miss each other by a day. :(
While it's been so fun and exciting to reconnect with my AP (we had an A and D-day 20 years ago), I am feeling frustrated right now. There's no where for this to go given our careers and his M more than mine. I almost feel like calling it quits right now. I mean, what's the point if we only get to see each other a couple times a year? Why do you stay in your LDA? How long has it been going on?
Thanks for your reply.
I've been in my LDA for 8 years now. There have been periods of NC in that time. I ended it once, at the time I thought for good. Famous last words right?
I know why I stay. He adds something to my life. He can't be my whole life my whole world and most of the time I'm okay with that. It adds the romance and the attention to my life. I also care about him as a friend.
Sorry I'm a bit down on the whole thing currently. I haven't heard from AP in the last couple of days. I usually don't contact him when he doesn't contact me, I work hard not to be a pest. But I'm worried. A couple of days ago when we talked his father was alive but still not doing well. I fear he may have passed away now. Obviously I understand why AP wouldn't talk. I know in my recent experiences with close family members passing I was so exhausted by talking to the physical people present left me desiring but lacking the energy to call/contact the close family friends I wanted to.
So I'm being patient. But hurting inside for him. This is one of the sucky things about these R can't always do for the ppl we care for like we would wish to.
Hang in there, KP. You know he will contact you when he can. It sounds like you both care a great deal for one another. Eight years is a long time. How have you maintained it that long and still carry on your "normal" life?
I am glad my AP is LD. I read some of these posts and I probably wouldn't be able to handle an A if it was with someone I saw or had physicial access to every day. I'd become a wreck, for sure. Being LD helps keeps the whole thing a bit of a fantasy for me. We
Thanks... Wow alwayst back with AP from 20 years ago... it's amazing how these feelings don't disappear.
I did find out that his father did pass away. AP didn't call tho; I saw the obituary online. The funeral is this morning which is I think why I am up crazy early today. I keep saying to myself I could leave right now and still get there, that kinda thing. I'm fighting the urge b/c it would be really stupid. I know he'd be happy to see me on the one hand, on the other its a day of way too strong emotions already I shouldn't complicate that.
So anyway I know right now he has nothing emotionally to give anyone else, so I continue to be patient. And remind myself this has nothing to do with me. Last time we talked when he told me his father was dying, he did say how he wished he could see me; and that knowing I cared helped. I just hate feeling like I can't do for him what I could at least do for a friend. Yet then I remember he is surrounded by other friends, family, and loved ones so he isn't alone. So that's where I am this morning. and b/c I need to remind myself I'll say it again; "I need to remember this isn't about me!"
As far as the 8 years alwayst, I'm not sure how I've done it exactly. I've tried to forget him. I have a great H, I really do. There is something that ties me to AP tho. It's only been in the last year or so tho that I've really begun to believe AP honestly feels the same. He is not very technologically savy (which is frustrating with LD), tho he is getting better. He's also can be a man of few words (different than H, and I'm quite the talker). So I have never gotten multiple e-mails in a day etc. In fact he'd go weeks sometimes w/o sending me one. Used to drive me crazy... I'd worry that he stopped caring etc. that rollercoaster was miserable and why I know I kept trying to get off. Poor guy really can't type; so a message 2 me was picked out letter by letter. :)
Yet I've learned that emotionally things haven't changed for him just b/c I didn't hear from him. I'm sure I could have been someone to e-mail with him all day back and forth; but on the other hand I know this way I've been able to preserve a bit more of my sanity and life. This year we've found it easier to talk on the phone tho which has been great, and txting is wonderful, occasionally via computers.