So confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
So confused...
5
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 8:52pm

So on Monday and Tuesday I joked with the AP that it had been a while since we were "together."  It has been two weeks which in my mind was a while since we had been "seeing" each other at least once a week.  He seemed a little pissed off about it so I let it drop.  He asked yesterday to get together and I knew it would short but his daughter was home and he still wanted to sneak me in.  I balked about it for a while and then relented because I didn't want to miss the opportunity.  It was horrible, I shouldn't have let him talk me into it but I did.  Fast forward to today, I asked him to call me since he's been acting so weird lately.  We talked and I was supposed to go with them all to see his son play a game.  I was told by him it would be too awkward to have me and his W around. He said it would be too much for all three of us to sit there, carry on and us knwoing what we are doing and that it's wrong.   I get that, I really do.  It just hurt.  He than said we needed to slow down, he was getting way too brave, way to comfortable with what is going on that a mistake was going to be made and ruin it all.  I asked him to explain what he meant by slow down and he said let it happen when it happens, let's not plan anything (like not picking up his daughter to come home and be with me etc.).  So no he didn't end it and I can honestly see where he is coming from but it still hurts.

My H noticed when he got home that I was upset and knew I was supposed to go with them all to the game.  I told him I wasn't and he asked me what was wrong.  H has maintained through this all that AP fell in love with me but just wouldn't say it.  I told H a watered down version that AP said  it would be awkward to have W and me around.  H laughed and said "otherwise he can't control his emotions around you."  He said yeap I love when I'm right. 

I guess I'm not confused but I am hurt.  I just hate when people can't really be honest with each other and that it took all this calling and pushing for me to get AP to fess up.  I saw him this afternoon and he talked to me like nothing was wrong.  I'm letting it go and backing away.  I have to get a grip on my own life now, I want to continue it but I need to do so with me being happy with myself. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 10:09pm
Well, in the first place if someone is having an affair he isn't intending to be honest. And I believe normal people will feel like lying is wrong we choose to instead omit and water down truths. So essentially what I feel your AP is doing is omitting things and only when being prodded and haha dare I say nagged? Men are always feeling we women are naggy and under pressure then you'll get all those grudging answers. It might not mean anything that he's deciding to pull away. But just maybe he loves you as an AP but he doesn't want another wife. (((HUGS))) You're right you need to depend less on AP and start living your life for yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 12:41am
Easier said than done, but try not to take his behavior personally. It has more to do with his guilt and balancing the A with his M than it has to do with you. I used to get so mad at XAP because I felt he changed his mind constantly about me and us. After a long time together & a LOT of communicating, it still hurt when he did it, but I understood it better & knew to give him a few days. A's are kind of "one step forward, two steps back". I'm not sure why you feel he's not being honest with you, but the important thing, like you said, is being happy with yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 11:04am
I'm trying to not take it personally but ti's hard. I asked him if he still wanted me and of course he said yes. I know that things have gotten way out of control here lately as far as us trying to meet up. If I'm sitting on my porch he'll only walk his dog right around our houses, if I'm out walking he'll walk the dog whereever I'm at. Doesn't say much, we don't meet up than but it's like just trying to make sure where I'm at. We've been taking chances meeting up and trying to plan it more where beforehand it was more of a "hey do we have time?" I went as far as arranging someplace safe for us to meet late at night since I'm not home during the days anymore. He was texting me at midnight/1pm to meet up. At anytime either one of our spouses could've woken up and caught us, hell any of the neighborhood could've caught us.

He said it's not fair to either one of us if we are having to not go places the other one goes so that it isn't weird. I told him I understood because last week it was me, him, W and my H all together talking outfront. I felt very awkward, not so much that all four of us were together but that AP was trying to be buddy buddy with H.
I've tried crying last night and today but I can't. It still hurts because I see this "slowing down" as well I'll get some when I can type of thing.
When I mean he isn't honest with me, or that I get that feeling what I mean is I'm having to reassure him constantly if he tells me the truth I'll be better off and less upset if he lies to me.

He's done this before and always have come back, I'll see how it goes. I did go to some retail therapy last night :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 12:40pm
I can't imagine how much more complicated an A is when you live close by & everyone knows each other. It's definitely risky, meeting up the way you were, and it makes sense he's confused & thinking about boundaries. I think he is telling the truth as he knows it, not wanting to lose anything, and needs time to sort through his thoughts and feelings. I don't know, I just had a call from XAP and all of this stuff is so confusing I wonder if I have a clue what I'm talking about, lol. But I'm thinking of you, and glad you found something therapeutic to do!