so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2010
so confused
7
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 1:07pm

Ok 3 years ago I had an affair, I was with someone at the time, he wasn't. It was going fine, I moved out and broke up with bf, but our affair was still a secret because of issues pertaining to his job. Long story short, he met another woman, married her about 2 years ago. 2 weeks ago he text me and wanted to have an affair, this man is still married and says that he misses me and my "skills". I am still very much in love with him and feel like he is the one. He is not a cheater, so I am a little confused on where all this is going, we have met 4 times, each time is more emotional, something he didn't want to bring into this relationship, if I can even call it a relationship.


I really want to be with him, but am trying to be patient and wait until we have time to be together, how do i wait and not contact him, I kind of was a little persistent the last time we did this. Any advice on why now? and why me? and finally how to sit on my hands or stay off my computer??? Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: army_mom1130
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 1:24pm

First of all, you have to get real with yourself about him. You claim he's not a "cheater", yet he cheated with you when you had a relationship, and he's now cheating on his wife. Maybe not physically...yet...but certainly emotionally, and the only reason it's not physical is because of you. You're single (from the sounds of it), he's not. What you want is a relationship. What he wants is free sex. And by free sex I mean no relationship, no committment, no responsibility, no expectations, no ties that bind. Is this what you can live with? Look, you're already having angst about the whole thing and you're not even sleeping with him yet. Trust me, if you do, it will be 10x worse.

I would have a sit down with yourself and think long and hard about all of this and whether you think it is good for you. From an outsider, based on your post, I can say that it doesn't seem to be. It's not too late for you to back out of this whole idea. I've been involved in affair before, so I'm not talking about that which I know nothing about, and I can say that affairs are draining, destructive and usually go nowhere positive. I wouldn't do it again, but I'm not you. Just think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: army_mom1130
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 1:37pm

I agree with sillyme. Slow down. Think before you get further into this.

Also I'm not sure how I would react if a guy said he missed me and my "skills". I would be suspecting that it's the "skills" he misses, not me at all! I dunno. A guy would probably be highly complimented if a woman said that to him. Maybe he's thinking that women would feel the same way, but I would wonder about that comment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2010
In reply to: army_mom1130
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 1:41pm

I am with someone also, have been for 10 years, I haven't been happy for a long time. I went back with my bf after our affair ended. We already started having sex, it was like we were never apart. We were just FWB before and he told me that and I never let myself believe that it was true.


I want him for the rest of my life, it should be clear to me but its not. I keep thinking that sometime we will be together because hes a planner, always has been always will be. When we are together he keeps asking how it is going at home and I swear that he wants someone to find out about us. We meet in places where people know both of us, he once left a mark on my neck on purpose. I keep thinking that he isn't happy that is why he came back to me. I have guilt only because I know better than to get involved again. He apologized for hurting me the last time, and breaks his own rules about no talking before or after sex.


In the back of my mind I am thinking that he must still care, and he married before he was over me. Thanks for the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
In reply to: army_mom1130
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 10:53pm
I'm sorry, I don't want to be hurtful, but I feel I need to blunt here.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2010
In reply to: army_mom1130
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 11:59am
Thanks for the advice. I have been having second thoughts about all of this, just needed to hear someone say it. I am still trying to find a reason why to go forward with this, other than my feelings for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: army_mom1130
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 4:12pm

You didn't mention in your first post that you are in a relationship yourself. I still don't know whether that relationship is a marriage.

Honestly, I think what this man wants from you is sex. I know you think he's the love of your life and all, but it just seems to me that instead of fretting about what his intentions are towards you, you should be trying to figure out what your relationship with your man is. Even if he were free, you aren't.

It sounds to me like what he wants is a no-strings sex, and that's about it. So either that's something you can live with or it isn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2010
In reply to: army_mom1130
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 9:45pm

I am not married, just been with my bf for 10 years, he does not want to marry again.