so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
so confused!
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 8:12pm

OK, this is going to be a vent and anyone who can make sense of what I'm feeling, please sound in as I cna't seem to make heads or tails of anything anymore. I wrote my story about a month ago, but the cliffnotes are I'm a MW been in A for about 7 months with MM. We have history ... HUGE history. He was my first and treated me very poorly in highschool ... He connected with me over the summer via fb to apologize for the way he treated me back then ... my M is bad and has been for a while, so once our dialog started it was very easy to fall back into something that although heartbreaking at the time is a very big part of who I am today. My relationship with this man defined me ... it molded me and is a huge part of who I am and who i became.

So anyway, from the get go, from the first kiss ... which he instigated ... he has said he was not leaving his W ... and I have been very clear that I don't want him to. Even in high school I was never his #1 ... which was part of what he said he always felt bad about ... I don't think I would ever trust him as a lifetime companion ... BUT the feeling of comfort I get when I am in his presence is indescribable ... It makes NO logical sense ... but for some reason I seem to feel safe with the one person in my life I should feel the least safe with ... After things progressed physically he started saying and has said almost EVERY TIME something has happened over the last 7 months that 'this can't happen again." "this is the last time" "I can't do this anymore" "this is tearing me up inside" but he also says he wants to see me ... I have offered to walk away and he has told me not to ... and quite honestly ... I dont want to ... I enjoy having him as part of my life ... when he's not freaking out ... I could care less if we have a physical relationship ... sure it's great, but above anything else, this man knows me better than anyone else in the world ... then he says that just being my friend makes him feel guilty, that if his W was such good friends with an ex boyfriend he would have a problem with it and he doesn't have the right to be friends with me no matter how badly he wants to be ... but still he doesn't want me to walk away. he keeps saying we'll figure this out ... he asked for time and that i not ask to see him ... which i did ... then HE asked me to come over this morning and before anything got physical I told him that nothing was going to happen if he couldn't handle it and not freak out ... and that if he didn't think that was possible than it was just going to be a friendly visit to say hi ... (I have known him since I was 11, friendly visits are possible) ... of course things got physical and he immediately after started his whole routine AGAIN! I am angry, but I can't even explain why I am angry to myself ... he is very good at making people see things from his point of view ... I am not angry that he wants to do 'right' by his wife ... how could I be angry about that? But why then am I so upset? I willingly and knowingly have stayed part of this relationship, so I know I am to blame ... I stopped beating myself up over it ... yet he has continued to see me ... he says that in some ways it has been 'for me' because he didn't want to hurt me ... I can not count the number of times we have been through this ... I don't know what to do. I want to put my feelings to words, but none of it makes sense. I don't want to lose him ... but not necessarily as an AP, but as a friend ... and I know that we have never and will never have a normal friendship ... it will always be one with a stronger than usual bond ... which he says he wants ... but then he doesn't want it because he doesn't have the right to have it ... I am so confused just writing this ... and if anyone has made it this far ... I thank you. I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind ... I know I should walk away and that that will be the advice of many ... and I know that makes logical sense ... but there is nothing logical about this and I don't want to lose him, but i can't keep doing this either ...