So Confused and sad
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| Sun, 10-26-2008 - 7:22pm |
Hi All,
I've been a lurker for a long time, but finally decided to post. I have been seeing my AP for a year now and we deeply love each other, but we are having major problems now because of his situation. The background of this is that we were each married at the time we met and knew we truly were meant to be together. We work together, so that adds another complication, but for right now that's trivial. He had been unhappy in his marriage for several years. I had been married even longer and had been unhappy for several years as well. We agreed that we needed to be responsible and if we truly were meant to be together than we needed to do the right thing and leave our spouses.
He left his spouse sooner than he expected (prompted by a wonderful amazing weekend we had together) because he knew that his marriage with her was over and staying wasn't what he wanted to do. I couldn't leave at the time he did because my husband was in the process of looking for a job and my kids weren't out of school yet. I couldn't leave my husband unemployed and have the family in upheaval during school. He understood, but there was pressure there to move when the time was right. He was staying with a pal in a two bedroom apt. where one bedroom was for his pals little girls. He wasn't happy with his living situation, but going back home wasn't an option.
Fast forward to last June when I finally told my husband everything, even about AP. He was very hurt, but he was amazingly understanding, he had been unhappy too (this was no surprise to me) and he had been hanging on mostly so that when the kids were older, if we could re-kindle our relationship (that was a huge problem, the kids were always the excuse not to do anything for us). Anyway, we made a plan for him to move out and we would find a lawyer and get a divorce. AP was ecstatic!! We had a great time for the first couple of weeks, then things started to change, he got a little snappier with me about things. Then he told me how much he was afraid of being without his little girls, even though he was seeing them everyday except for one or two during the week. He hadn't made any plans with his W to move forward and get a divorce and I was getting a little anxious about that. Late July he finally had the talk with his wife, although she knows nothing of me, they had plan to divorce and he was going to start looking for an Apt.
Fast forward to today, I am officially divorced, my ex and I still talk and will remain civil, if not friendly. My AP still doesn't have an Apt, and he and his W still haven't filed for divorce and his pal has told him that he needs to be out of his place by the end of this month. I told AP that he could live with me until he's financially able to move into his own place, but he says that would be difficult because how would I feel when he was ready to do that. He got his W to agree to let him stay in the spare bedroom, but I'm feeling like that's a move in the complete wrong direction. We've had our ups and downs, mostly down recently because of the actions (or lack of) on his side. I love him so much it hurts to think that he would choose to go back to the house instead of be with me!! I know he's not reconciling with his W, but where does that put our relationship? He thinks that he'll have just as much freedom as he does now, but I'm pretty sure that won't be the case.
I'm in so much pain because of this!! I feel like a gigantic yo-yo. I know he loves me, he's never said anything or done anything to show me otherwise, but his situation is so difficult. Also, no one at work suspects anything between us. And that has to continue until he's officially filed. So I end up feeling like this secret he's ashamed to share. He's protecting his wife and kids from this, but he doesn't seem to be protecting me. I feel like I have done everything I possibly could for us to be together and he has dug in his heels to keep that from happening. Although he claims he's trying to do the right thing for everybody concerned. I just don't know what to think. I've tried to break it off, so that he could go deal with these issues, but we always end up coming back to each other. I'm afraid that him going back to his house could be the final blow. Am I over-reacting?
Sorry for the long tale!! Thanks for listening!!!
ButterCup

(((Hugs)))
Thanks for your reply Vivacious! You're right, there's nothing I can do. I just wish it wasn't so painful. I feel lead on, but I don't regret leaving my husband, that would have happened eventually. He is actually leading a much simpler and happier life, so at least in that respect, it worked out. I just need to get myself out from under this hurtful relationship and move on. It's just extremely hard when you still feel great love for the other person.
Thanks again for the response.
B
You are in a position I am so afraid to get myself into. My AP says he loves me, and I am pushing him now to leave his home (I am separated, and fed up in being in A). My biggest fear is not that he won't leave (I will get over this eventually, and at least it will be a clear-cut end for me), but if he will leave with the intention to try our relationship out and come back to his wife if this is not what he wants.
Sometimes I envy those of use whose AP told them from the beginning they won't leave their wives, at least you know where you stand with that.
Sorry you're hurting:(
I wanted to put a link here to another board as well where several couples are transitioning into what we sometimes call a real life relationship.