so confused, long but need input please!
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so confused, long but need input please!
| Fri, 05-28-2004 - 2:08pm |
I always thought that cheating was the ulitmate wrong; if 2 people who loved each other are together, there should be no problem resisting the physical sexual prescence of someone else....
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years.
He's always amazed me with his lack of jealous and the tremendous amount of trust he'd put in me. So when I became very close to a couple of guy friends, it didn't bother him at all because he trusted me... in fact, he encouraged the fact I have such a strong friendship with someone, regardless of their gender. I on the other hand always felt guilty, feeling as if I was emotionally cheating on him, b/c I'd develop strong attractions to some of my male friends, and even run "what if" scenarios in my head, asking myself if i'd ever resist should the opportunity arise. But of course, I did resist... I've been close, sure, but I've always been faithful to my man...
Up until 4 days ago.
I've been analyzing our relationship for a couple of months now, wondering if he is what I really want, if I could get past the faults of our relationship... too good to leave or too bad to stay? Then in walks this guy, whom we have the most intense connection with... I've never been more confused.
I'm not one to support the argument "I was drunk" either. I believe that you DO know your limitations, and unless you are passed out, you are always aware of what you are doing, no matter how many drinks you've had.
But there is one thing I've never considered about the whole "i was drunk" argument. Sure you know what you're doing, and you probably even know its wrong, but you unintentionally don't care as much. That was the case with me. I knew it was wrong, I resisted at first... but then I gave in... it just didn't feel like it was THAT bad of a thing to do, until of course the next day I woke up laying to a man who is not my boyfriend. When I was drunk, i didn't care as much. When I woke up sober, I freaked out over what I had done and kicked him out.
Of course I love my boyfriend, I love him with my whole heart. And if things were going perfectly smooth more often than not lately, I probably wouldn't have let myself do what I did. And I'm not saying that because we were "on the rocks" is an excuse... I know I was wrong, and I know there's no excuse for it. But I do know that I DO love him and I DO want to be happy with him, and have him be happy with me... I honestly don't know why *it* happened, and it's confusing me beyond belief...
On one hand, I have my boyfriend; comfortable, familiar, successful and sweet. But of course, as with every relationship, we have our problems. One of them being that I've been feeling emotionally unsatsified lately. We don't live together, and with our schedules conflicting so much, we rarely see each other or talk to each other, and the times that we do, we have nothing to say, nothing to do. I feel we're getting boring, dull and that oomph, that excitement that's accompanyed me for 4 years has been slowly fading away.
On the other hand, I have this man, (and first let me say this, I am NOT considering leaving my b/f for this guy, I've been considering it even before I met him) whom (and this is going to make you cringe), I've only met 1 week ago. Ever seen the movie Serendipty? It is exactly like that. A fortunate (perhaps unfortunate?) mistake. I believe in fate, and there's been so many little coincidences that make me feel, make me believe that there was something more than accident that brought us together. He's sweet, charming, and although a little rough around the edges, I know he'd treat me right. He's not in it for a fling either. He is a single father of an infant child, and looking for someone who can be in not only his, but his sons life for the long run. I was floored when he said a part of him could see it being me... even more floored when he told me he wants it to be me, but isnt sure.
I'm so confused. The day after I slept with him, I made him leave at 7am. I was guilty and started having panic attack after panic attack after panic attack. I almost sent myself to the ER b/c I was having so much trouble breathing. At that time, I was so scared my boyfriend would dump me, I felt almost suicidal and told myself I had to completely cut off all communication with this other guy.
Then, in the evening, after I had told my boyfriend and we had talked about it and he had reassured me we'll work through this and he's not going to break up with me.... I find myself hoping "the other one" will call. Or even stop by. Not so that we could pick up where we left off, but just to see him, to talk to him, to know that I wasn't just an easy lay because he was horny, but because I am someone he really wants to have in his and his sons life. I start analyzing everything.... Why did I allow myself to sleep with him? Why am I thinking about him more than I'm thinking about my boyfriend, even AFTER i've done what I never thought I'd do. Did I cheat because I am subconsiouslly looking for someone else? Someone with the connection that me and this guy have? Why, after talking to him tonight, after him telling me that even though he wants me to be, he's not sure I'm the right person for him and his son, why am I trying to convince him that I am????? I can honestly say, I really don't know what I want. I'm not sure if I'm staying with my boyfriend because I really really want to or if I'm staying because I'm afraid that I'll be losing my actual soul mate. Am I just denying what deep down I might know; that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend?
I'm scared. I'm tremendously confused, and I don't know what to do.
On so many levels, it'd be wrong to remain friends with the other guy while I'm still with my boyfriend.... so why can't I let him go? Why am I trying to convince him that I am "the one"? Why am I hoping he'll call, or wondering when I'll see him next, or if we really did meet by fate? If I really really really wanted to stay with my boyfriend, wouldn't turning this guy away be easy and a no-brainer for me????
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years.
He's always amazed me with his lack of jealous and the tremendous amount of trust he'd put in me. So when I became very close to a couple of guy friends, it didn't bother him at all because he trusted me... in fact, he encouraged the fact I have such a strong friendship with someone, regardless of their gender. I on the other hand always felt guilty, feeling as if I was emotionally cheating on him, b/c I'd develop strong attractions to some of my male friends, and even run "what if" scenarios in my head, asking myself if i'd ever resist should the opportunity arise. But of course, I did resist... I've been close, sure, but I've always been faithful to my man...
Up until 4 days ago.
I've been analyzing our relationship for a couple of months now, wondering if he is what I really want, if I could get past the faults of our relationship... too good to leave or too bad to stay? Then in walks this guy, whom we have the most intense connection with... I've never been more confused.
I'm not one to support the argument "I was drunk" either. I believe that you DO know your limitations, and unless you are passed out, you are always aware of what you are doing, no matter how many drinks you've had.
But there is one thing I've never considered about the whole "i was drunk" argument. Sure you know what you're doing, and you probably even know its wrong, but you unintentionally don't care as much. That was the case with me. I knew it was wrong, I resisted at first... but then I gave in... it just didn't feel like it was THAT bad of a thing to do, until of course the next day I woke up laying to a man who is not my boyfriend. When I was drunk, i didn't care as much. When I woke up sober, I freaked out over what I had done and kicked him out.
Of course I love my boyfriend, I love him with my whole heart. And if things were going perfectly smooth more often than not lately, I probably wouldn't have let myself do what I did. And I'm not saying that because we were "on the rocks" is an excuse... I know I was wrong, and I know there's no excuse for it. But I do know that I DO love him and I DO want to be happy with him, and have him be happy with me... I honestly don't know why *it* happened, and it's confusing me beyond belief...
On one hand, I have my boyfriend; comfortable, familiar, successful and sweet. But of course, as with every relationship, we have our problems. One of them being that I've been feeling emotionally unsatsified lately. We don't live together, and with our schedules conflicting so much, we rarely see each other or talk to each other, and the times that we do, we have nothing to say, nothing to do. I feel we're getting boring, dull and that oomph, that excitement that's accompanyed me for 4 years has been slowly fading away.
On the other hand, I have this man, (and first let me say this, I am NOT considering leaving my b/f for this guy, I've been considering it even before I met him) whom (and this is going to make you cringe), I've only met 1 week ago. Ever seen the movie Serendipty? It is exactly like that. A fortunate (perhaps unfortunate?) mistake. I believe in fate, and there's been so many little coincidences that make me feel, make me believe that there was something more than accident that brought us together. He's sweet, charming, and although a little rough around the edges, I know he'd treat me right. He's not in it for a fling either. He is a single father of an infant child, and looking for someone who can be in not only his, but his sons life for the long run. I was floored when he said a part of him could see it being me... even more floored when he told me he wants it to be me, but isnt sure.
I'm so confused. The day after I slept with him, I made him leave at 7am. I was guilty and started having panic attack after panic attack after panic attack. I almost sent myself to the ER b/c I was having so much trouble breathing. At that time, I was so scared my boyfriend would dump me, I felt almost suicidal and told myself I had to completely cut off all communication with this other guy.
Then, in the evening, after I had told my boyfriend and we had talked about it and he had reassured me we'll work through this and he's not going to break up with me.... I find myself hoping "the other one" will call. Or even stop by. Not so that we could pick up where we left off, but just to see him, to talk to him, to know that I wasn't just an easy lay because he was horny, but because I am someone he really wants to have in his and his sons life. I start analyzing everything.... Why did I allow myself to sleep with him? Why am I thinking about him more than I'm thinking about my boyfriend, even AFTER i've done what I never thought I'd do. Did I cheat because I am subconsiouslly looking for someone else? Someone with the connection that me and this guy have? Why, after talking to him tonight, after him telling me that even though he wants me to be, he's not sure I'm the right person for him and his son, why am I trying to convince him that I am????? I can honestly say, I really don't know what I want. I'm not sure if I'm staying with my boyfriend because I really really want to or if I'm staying because I'm afraid that I'll be losing my actual soul mate. Am I just denying what deep down I might know; that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend?
I'm scared. I'm tremendously confused, and I don't know what to do.
On so many levels, it'd be wrong to remain friends with the other guy while I'm still with my boyfriend.... so why can't I let him go? Why am I trying to convince him that I am "the one"? Why am I hoping he'll call, or wondering when I'll see him next, or if we really did meet by fate? If I really really really wanted to stay with my boyfriend, wouldn't turning this guy away be easy and a no-brainer for me????
I've been going back and forth in my head thinking: of course i want to be with my b/f! i have to end this!" to "this guy is incredible... and I WAS thinking of breaking up w/b/f beforehand... maybe i should" .... I dont know what I want!!!!!!
Understandably, bf does not want me to see or talk to this guy. Ive told him i wont... but I can't brush this guy off. every time i see him with the intention of telling him that i cant talk to him anymore, i end up spending hours with him... arghh

You have a chance to do this the right way. Sit down and look carefully at your R. Is it what you want? Or are you staying in it because it is easier (and safer) to stay? Change is tough. Change is scary. What happened to you is a very loud wake up call that something isn't right. Unless you and your BF both make an effort to correct the problems, you may very well end up in the same place again.
I don't know if this was any help to you at all. I hope that whatever choices you make you are able to find happiness.
Peace
GB2