This is so hard….

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
This is so hard….
9
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 11:49am
I am a lurker who is really having a hard time today coming in terms with the fact that its time for me to move on… How do you tell a man that you love that your situation is impossible? Can words really convey the depths of despair that you feel? How do I tell him that I would be in his arms in a jiffy if you could? How can I tell him that I need him as much as he needs me, but I cannot bring myself to do it? Things have changed so much that there is no way out, not at least in the near future. I am not selfish to keep him as an option when and if I choose to leave my marriage. It may take years and I cannot ask him to wait for me. I want him to find somebody who can bring him happiness that he deserves and love him completely the way that I do. I pray that he does find this woman and wants to have a family with her. Maybe then I’ll get to see how his children really would look like…. I want him to be happy and I cannot give him what he wants, which is to be his. Dragging my feet on this issue is going to hurt him and I don't want to do that... This is so hard, why did it have to be this way…
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 11:54am
Can I ask what makes you stay in your marriage when you sound so unhappy? I'm very unhappy now in my own marriage and I cannot see me staying in it very much longer. My mm makes me feel SO alive. I can't see him ever not being a part of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:12pm
I do know how you feel on this one. I have really started to care for my OM, and it makes it that much harder to continue doing what I am doing. I don't think at this point I can break up with my serious boyfriend. But I do care for my OM. I think I am being completely unfair to both of them, doing what I am doing. I don't understand why it has to be so hard either. I am glad there is someone else out there who is feeling the way I am feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:52pm
gigi -- call me crazy but if you're not married, just living with your BF (as i am), you can change your situation rather easily. no messy legal action like divorce is involved. believe me, i'm not taking your situation lightly. i too am not married and in a long-term relationship with my BF. but if my MM wanted to leave his marriage and be with me, i would change my life in a heartbeat. but again, that's just me.

the only person you're being unfair to is YOU. figure out what you want and need, and make it happen. if that's staying with your BF, then end the A. if you want the OM, then break up with your BF and move on. again, jmho!

good luck whatever you decide,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:10pm
We were "discovered" by my husband sometime back and it was a mess. Things returned to normal in due course and my husband and I are back at working our marriage out. We are also talking about starting a family in the near future. Also jobwise I may be laid off anytime and it is not the right time for me to leave the marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:13pm
ok let me be sure I understand you correctly. You are married and in love with another man, you are staying in your marriage for financial reasons which have the potential to only be temporary but then you are considering adding a child into this picture which is permanent. I think you are staying for reasons that exceed financial circumstances if you are considering starting a family with your DH...I dont see why your EMA must end but I do see why you need to tell your OM where you stand and to be honest with him so he doesnt falsely get his hopes up for anything now or ever...

*hugs*

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 2:58pm
I see something we have in common... H and I are also talking about starting a family. We actually were trying before MM came along. I'm quickly approaching my mid-30s and if I want to have a baby, now's the time. Yet, MM has gone back and forth on the issue. When we first started this, he seemed really bothered by the fact that H and I were trying. He said he wanted to give me a baby. But he's older and has a daughter already and I couldn't imagine making him start all over again with me. Then recently he said he almost wished H and I would have a baby because then we'd both be in the same situation. He went through a phase where the thought of me having a baby with H didn't seem to bother him much. Without the baby factor, I could wait, but that's putting a deadline on things, I think. I feel like I need to make a decision soon. Can't expect H to wait forever to have a baby. That wouldn't be fair to him. But then I can't bring a baby into the world when I'm not sure about my M, even if I want one. I do fear that if I have a baby, MM will stop speaking to me, just because it will be too painful and he'd feel like that baby deserved to be with his father. And the very fact that it bothers me that I'd lose MM if I got pregnant tells me I probably shouldn't get pregnant right now. It does seem you should call off an A before getting pregnant, but I don't know if I can just let MM go until I know for sure he's not the one I should be with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 4:01pm
H and already have a daughter. The thing is that she is 3 now, and I want to have another. I want to have one with MM even though he won't be involved. Unfortunately the way I see it, is that if things ever ended, I have a little piece of him to carry with me. I love my MM ore than life itself, but even though I want to be with him, I've been prepared for the probobility that things won't work. Yes it'll hurt, but at least I know that I know what true love is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 5:31pm
Do you want to leave your h and then have a baby with om? Or do you mean staying where you are? I thought at one point when I was still with my h that I might be pregnant. See before mm came along we were trying to have a baby. So if I turned out to be pregnant, then it more then likely would have been h's, but there was always a chance that it might not be. And I just couldn't live with that thought. If I had been, I'd have been gone from my m in 2 sec's and not told h about pregancy until I could make it look like there was a reason other then cheating to why I wasn't sure. But thank heaven that I wasn't. I stopped trying with h, so I never have to go through that scary situation again. Aren't those of you that are trying or thinking of trying, scared you won't really truely know who's kid it is? I know you'd be pretty sure, but I couldn't live with that 1% chance that it wasn't my h's and I let him think it was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 5:58pm
Thanks for all your posts. I kind of feel better. Katvila I cannot have a baby with OM while being married to H. That might happen in storybook romances but not in real world. I am too much of a realist to put myself in that position. I don't know what i am going to tell him but the post helped me clear my mind a little bit. Will keep you all updated.