So, how much do I say?
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| Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:58pm |
I'm going to spend Wed afternoon with a very nice, single man. He's interesting, and as a minister, he has a definite understanding of my background that MM lacks. Because I no longer believe everything I was brought up to believe, (tons of questions), I don't see this as really ever becoming much more than a friendship, but I want to see him, if only to talk about the changes I've experienced with someone who understands but can accept me for who I am today. (::whew:: Loong sentence. LOL)
This doesn't change my feelings for MM at all. I love him. Always have. Always will. If we were married, I'd probably still meet this man, but I'd invite MM along and avoid any kind of good night kiss. Frankly, I know he'll encourage me to go out and enjoy myself. He does have a tendency to get jealous, but he also wants me to be happy. He just wants me to be happier with him than with anyone else.
I probably wouldn't say anything to him at all, except that he keeps pretty close tabs on me. (Quite a change in my life, and quite a trick from sixty miles away.) He doesn't do it to control where I go, but because he's interested and he just feels better knowing where I am. I appreciate the concern, but I don't really know what to say to him, or how to say it. I don't want to come across like I'm trying to find someone else or like I'm trying to make him jealous. I can't say that I want to spend the rest of my life alone, either. I just can't imagine not having MM in my life. No, I refuse to not have MM in my life - although should I ever marry, we'll have to be just friends. I also don't want to lie, or to make this sound inconsequential. I'm going out because I like this man. I'm sure I'll enjoy myself and I don't feel guilty.
I just don't know what to say to MM.
Help! Ideas, anyone?
Cazrida

Caz
Tell him the "material truth." LOL. Or "merciful truth" if you prefer.
...that you don't want to lose him or ever be without him in your life, but that you're also not certain you want to spend your life cloistered as some sort of nun. Dinner with someone you find interesting might make MM twist a little, but if he's unavailable he has to understand that you can't be expected to just sit by the phone.
It would be different if he was working towards life with you. But he isn't leaving his W. If he loves you (and he does) then he has to understand and appreciate that living your life completely alone just isn't a fair thing to request from you. I think you can tell him that you're sharing your plans with him because you know that he takes an interest in your safety and whereabouts.
It kind of sucks. MM is going to get a little jealous, but there isn't much he can do about it. I would just suggest avoiding any ego-related or accusatory remarks that might sound vengeful, which I imagine you will because you seem pretty good at knowing what to say. I'd also try to dodge anything related to the future beyond Wednesday, and if MM brings it up... avoid. Tell him you're "living in the Now." LOL
Good luck. Don't know if I helped at all.
rain
Edited 10/1/2004 7:05 pm ET ET by sally289
I really don't want to stir things up with MM. I can, however, promise that if I don't say anything, he'll call right in the middle of our meeting. (date? I'm not sure)
I don't lie worth a darn, and he's waaaaay too empathetic not to pick up on something. Besides, I have too much respect for him to lie, anyway.
And I'm going out with the man because he's interesting and I think we have enough in common to become friends and to enjoy doing things together. MM isn't leaving, but I'm not dead. I love him and I always will, but I'm not going to just sit and home and wait for the phone to ring. I'm alive, and I want to simply relax and enjoy myself.
Thank-you for your comments, though. You expressed the very things that I don't want MM to think. I hope this explains a little more clearly and if you have any other ideas, please let me know.
Cazrida
That's pretty much what I thought I'd do. He knows that I don't intend to just sit at home. We've discussed it and he's already told me that he encourages it, up to the point where I might get serious, and then that he doesn't have any right to discourage me. Not that he won't listen and be very careful to point out any and all potential problems with anyone I meet...ROFL
What a complicated relationship this is, and yet how simple. We love each other. We want what's best for each other. And its hard as hell to put the other's best interests ahead of our own when something like this is concerned - on both sides.
::hugs and thanks::
Cazrida
Edited 10/1/2004 7:02 pm ET ET by sally289
Sally,
I'm really not sure why I'd want something in my life that he doesn't know about. If I can't share my life with him, then why keep him around?
And while I might (and he certainly could), handle an open marriage, his wife knows how to shoot. ROFL
Cazrida
listen honey, tell MM you're going out to dinner with an interesting man, that it's nothing serious, "just thought you'd like to know what my evening will be." and leave it at that. sally has a good point -- MM IS married and living his life with the W and family while you sit alone. so go out with this nice man and have dinner and talk about everything. explore your options. that doesn't mean you'll love head over heels in love with this man and get married in 3 months, but you can have dates.
have fun and enjoy!
life
Edited 10/1/2004 7:02 pm ET ET by sally289