So messed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
So messed up
10
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 7:14pm
I have been to this board many times to read but this is the first time I have been able to get up enough courage to write. I have been involved in an A for two years now with MM. It seems like such a long time. When the A started I was just getting a D and my MM had told me he wanted one from his W too but still needed a plan. We fell madly in love and he had planned to leave his W to be with me. Then his 12 year old daughter started having emotional problems, depression and a couple of suicide attempts. He hadn't told his W he was leaving her before this happened so he said he would need to stay on with his M for awhile until he knew his daughter would be ok. I never saw myself as someone who could be the OW in a relationship. I need a stable, secure relationship or I am a complete basket case, as I am now. I have such a hard time dealing with the immorality of it and the jealousy over his W and this whole other family and life he has that does not include me. Unfortunately we are both trapped in this now as we are deeply in love and so emotionally attached to each other.

He says we will someday have the life together we both want but it will just take more time. I am in conflict because I am now 31 years old and desperately want to have children of my own someday. I am afraid of waiting for him and losing my opportunity of having my own family. I can't even imagine leaving him but I am so scared he will never leave his W. His daughters are now 12 and 14, I feel terrible and selfish for wanting him to disrupt their lives especially the one that had the emotional problems (she seems to be doing fantastic for the last three months, no problems), but I need to be with him.

Sorry this is so long. Any advice as to how I can get through the waiting and maintain my sanity?

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:00pm
HI Brin

Do you have first hand knowledge of this girls emotional problem, I ask because it sounds like a bunch of bullcrap with the purpose of stringing you a long endlessly.

Regardless of the facts you should make your exit and start haveing a real life if your a single woman, you will not get these years back again and if you miss your time to have children there will be nothing you can do about it except to grow old alone.

Truth be told I think MM is lieing to you, sorry if that offends but it sounds typical of many MM involved in affairs who never really intend to leave there wife.

F

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:33pm
Brin,

First of all you're doing great by coming here and posting and being courageous!!!! I don't think that your MM is necessarilly "stringing you along". Is that possible? Well yes, it's possible, but YOU can only be the judge of that.

My MM initially had said he would leave for me and changed his mind. This does happen to good people. His dd also has had emotional problems and I do believe this is part of his decision.

You don't have to defend yourself here, at least IMHO. Look, any one of our MM could be stringing any of us along. We have to look at the situation, go with our guts.

You have some soul searching to do. You can go cold turkey and break up, or, try being "friends" with him, or date him and date other people, or you can give him some more time. Maybe you need to discuss a specific time fram with him (a year, two years, three years).........maybe there is nothing you can do that will make you feel better.

I bet you probably just really want to know you aren't alone (you are NOT) and that you will be okay in the end (YOU WILL BE) no matter what happens. Trust me, if this man loves you, he will stick by you NO MATTER WHAT (even if he doesn't necessarilly leave)..... I know of which I speak.......there are so many ways for him to show love before he "decides"...

You aren't alone! HUGS!

~Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:42pm
Hi F

Thank you for your thoughts. I am not offended, in fact it crossed my mind in the beginning that it may be a lie. But he has always been very upfront and honest with me about everything we have had to go through. His daughters problems have been going on for over a year and a half now and he has kept me involved every step of the way. Over this time we have lengthy discussions about her treatment, her counseling, her outbursts in school, outbursts at home, her hospitalization, which drugs she has been put on and then which ones she is being switched to, details about conversations he has with his daughter. He has even sought my advice on many of these issues.

Throughout all of this he is in deep emotional crisis, too much to be faked, as he is a very doting and loving father, his daughters have been all he has had in a very unemotional and uncaring marriage of 18 years with a W who is detached, unaffectionate, and unsupporting. They have not been intimate for over 10 years now. So I do not think the issue is whether or not his daughter has these problems but I do fear from time to time that it is used as an excuse, maybe even in his own mind, not to leave and when his daughter is healthy again I don't know how to trust that he will in fact keep his promise and leave. His attachment to his daughters and to wanting so much to be a good father may make it too hard for him to leave once his daughter seems healthy. My question becomes...do I dare have faith...or not?

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:57pm
Jen

Thank you for your support. I needed to hear some of those things, I do believe he truly loves me and I guess I just need to hang on to that fact.

It does help to know others are going through this to. It seems that around every turn there is so much hatrid and disgust for the OW, brings me guilt 24:7. I don't know how you all seem to hold it together so good. It's so hard to be going through something so difficult and heart wrenching and not be able to talk about it to anyone, not even the people closest to me, so thank you for being out there and lending your ear and a few words of encouragement.

Hugs back!

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:06pm
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Edited 10/1/2004 7:00 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:11pm
Hello Sally,

I just want to say be very careful. I said the same thing, that I wouldn't let the A go on if he didn't leave. But then the daughter happened so I waited and now I love him too much to leave. Now I can't imagine how to live without him in my life. It's kind of a soulmate feeling and I can't let that go, afraid I will never find it again.

As far as him not being intimate with the W, well she has suffered deep clinical depression for most of their M. I think she just wanted to have her two kids and then that was it because he said right after their second child was conceived she cut him off. They went through all kinds of counseling and he tried everything in the bedroom but she just flat out told him "I hate sex, I wish it didn't exist." And that was the end of that. He had a really tough time with his self esteem after that, and when we first got together he had some problems, well, let's just say getting started again :). He's back to full health now though.

I failed to mention he did have an A eight years ago and did leave his W for that woman but she ended up dumping him for her Ex before his divorce was final and he went back to his W, he says for his children's sake.

I think his daughters problems may have started because she could sense her fathers increasing distance from the family as he and I grew closer. Does anyone out there feel similarily about the children involved? Do you think they can be affected this bad without really knowing the truth about what's going on?

I know this is unusual and the MM is usually still intimate with his W. In that case how do you deal with the jealousy? I can hardly contain my jealousy over him just living with her. Any thoughts?

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:37pm
Brin,

First of all, thank you for your kinds words in my "Weekend" post.

May I say, nothing and nobody will ever come between the love of a father and a daughter, in many cases. My own father can give me the most pleasure, and also the most grief - as I'm sure that I do to him (no matter the age I reach)!

That being said, I am sure you know your MM, you know your R with him, and nobody else can make a judgement call based on a few words posted on this board.

However, no matter how much he loves you, and you love him - he may leave his M once his daughter is emotionally healthy - but the minute she starts to show signs of regression, due to the separation - he WILL start to feel guilty. Guilty enough to go back to a passionless M for the sake of his daughter.

Actually, his daughter's emotional state may even be "used" as a weapon, depending on how desparate his W becomes. This is not fair or right, but many women have attempted keeping their man with less ammunition. Even if the tides were turned, it would be a very strong person that could resist that burden on their concsious, man or woman!

Brin, you deserve to have the children you want. Mine are the light of my life.

Only you can make the decision that is best for you. You need to weight the facts, against the reality.

It is very hard. I can only imagine, since I have my 2 girls, and am in the emotional turmoil of "loving" someone else as well as my H. What I have to lose, is a life built around a family. What you have to lose, is no family at all!

Bluntness hurts, and the last thing I would want to do is cause you more pain under these circumstances, but please think about what you may be giving up.

You never know what may be waiting around the corner for you. The longer you detach yourself from finding the "person" that may be able to provide you with the life and children you deserve and want, the harder he will be to find.

My only other advice is, whomever you decide to spend the "rest of your life" with, make sure you share common interests, that will not go by the wayside once children do come along. You may find yourself so involved with the "kiddy" activities that you will surface 10 years down the line, to discover that you and H are strangers - and it is very difficult to rediscover each other, as you will definitely be different people by then.

I hope this helps.

Take care

Red




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:59pm
Red

I know that what you say is true. I have much to contemplate and a tough decision to make. I feel like I'm running out of time, being nearly 31 yrs., but I wish to give him more time to make things happen for us. If I could have children with him...that would be my dream come true. I feel such heaviness. Thank you for the reality check, I will give it serious thought over this time of uncertainty.

I am glad you and your H were able to reconnect. Happiness with the one you are with is all too difficult to find and I am sure taken for granted by most who have truly found it...how wonderful it would be if you could find it. I hope for the best for you.

Thanks so much,

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 6:04pm
You know that you are running the risk of landing up with no children if you remain committed to this R. That's the bottom line. It is out of your hands, and no amount of faith or hope can create certainty for you. You just need to be real with yourself and answer the question whether staying with him worth that risk when there is a true possibility that you could move on with your life and find someone else. Your first obligation is to yourself and your dreams and goals, not to be there to ease his pain. And as painful as it may be in the short term to end the R, in the long term you might be better off.

There is another person in the world who could love you and who is available now if you just opened yourself up to that. Just think about that. I know you love him and I'm sure he loves you, but you can't put your life on hold indefinitely waiting for him. Too many women wait and wait and wait...and then land up with nothing. Personally, I would start dating and stop putting my life on hold. Be honest with him and let him know that you can't wait forever for him. The situation is difficult, but you deserve more. If he doesn't intend to leave, but he holds on to you regardless of that, think of how selfish he is to hold on to you for his own emotional needs when you have a chance for happiness. He made his choice when he married his w, and it is his responsibility to find happiness for himself, it is not your responsibility to shore up his unhappy marriage. But, God I know how hard it would be. I do know. I am sure he is very special to you, but think of the possibilities out there. Is he the only person who could ever be special to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:48pm
Is he the only man who could ever be THIS special to me? Yeah, unfortunately, I really do think so...

Brin