SO NOT the answers I was wanting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
SO NOT the answers I was wanting...
4
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 2:50pm

So, in my previous post I explained a bit of what has been taking place since I was last on this board. Well, I will spare you all that but I figured that I would post about the most recent development. I FINALLY got answers out of this guy. I am referring to the EA/PA I had last year with a guy I have known for 15+ years. It was SO not the answers I wanted and I have the answers I have been wanting since the A ended in November but I am still confused. Why am I confused you may ask. Well, he basically told me the exact opposite of what I was being told by him then. I know at that point we had agreed it was "just sex" but it NEVER felt like just sex. He treated me better as "just sex" than 99% of my actual past boyfriends. Am I delusional or do "just sex" people hold hands? Stop by during work so for a kiss? Send you a morning text just to say good morning beautiful? Or that they wanted you to wake up knowing they are thinking about you?  I guess I missed the memo saying that just sex comes with boyfriend gestures. He sent me song lyrics, emailed me a song where all the lyrics talk about belonging together, even going as far as saying that he could see himself happy with me. Am I reading this all wrong?? I decided to ask him about this. I am shakin as I type out the text to him. We shall see what response I get...if one at all. Probably just another thing that I do not want to hear but I rather know the truth than kid myself. Gives me a reminder of why he isn't worthy of my attention, time, etc.

Turns out my hubby was right in thinking he had a motive for unblocking and starting to talk to me again. Hubby told me that he probably just wants to start things up again and he was right. How I despise when he is right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 6:11pm

Alright...so in my OP I mentioned asking him about why he said/did all those things if if was just sex and I got a not so satisfying answer.He asked for examples and I noted those I posted earlier. He responds by saying he didn't plan it like some game or anything. Then he asks me whats wrong with the things he said. I explained to him there was nothing wrong with those things...that I have always been treated poorly in relationships and to be treated so well in a "friends with benefits" scenario was confusing to me. So he responded with "I didn't say any of it just because I thought that was what I wanted to hear." That 99% of what he says is in the moment and unfiltered." That I need to remember that I am taking those things out of context of other messages. That he is generally a nice person and tends to say nice things to people. Which is all true but some of those things are pretty hard to take out of context regardless. I mean I have pages of stuff that I am referring to. So we argued a bit about the fact that I am trying to get clarification to questions I had never gotten any answers to and that he feels that I am putting him on trial for crime he didn't commit and so on. We finally get to where I am telling him I get that it was just sex and I was just letting himknow that I appreciated his ability and not making it feel like just sex. He responded by telling me that I was making it sound like it was a bad thing and he didn't think it was. That 2 people can co-exist in that situation and be nice to each other. He told me not to think those things were insincere. That I needed to stop overthinking everything.

 Which brings me to the next part of the convo which I question the meaning. When he is at home with his gf...he calls it lockdown. So I made the comment to him to remember that he is the one that wants to be there. So, this is how the rest of the convo goes:

Him: LMAO often times in life we don't have the choices we think we do.

Me: True but we tend not to notice some of the choices we are offered either.

him:oh believe me if a possible choice presented itself I would gladly take it but alas so far none has

me: I thought you loved her

him: Well to be clear as mud what you think and what is reality are often times two very different things. Lets say this is no exception and then can we please leave it at that.

Ok I know he loves to confuse me and I think I know what this convo is saying but can anyone clarify what the heck this man is saying??!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 9:32pm

Sounds like he is talking in circles to try and keep you confused and hanging around. Obviously he doesn't want to leave the gf but he wants you to be happy with what he gives you. maybe thats all he has right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 12:34am

What he said was that what you thought it was.......it wasn't.  Some men naturally give compliments, tell women the things they know women want to hear.  A text saying he was thinking of you.  So, he was thinking of you.  What's wrong with that?  Some men are hand-holders.  An affair is about sex......if there was more to it, then it would become a marriage.  If he had a g/f, and he didn't leave her.......then he didn't want to leave her.  All of the things that you wanted to mean "more than sex" mean absolutely nothing.  A smart man will know what to say and when to say it to keep you available.  A man in love will want to be with you 24/7!  That's the difference.  Been there........I'm single, he's married.  He "loves me" madly, he misses me when he's not with me.  He dreams of me.  He holds my hand.  He takes me nice places.  In 14 years, he hasn't left his wife!  So much for love, and dreams, and hand holding.  He loves the sex.......nothing more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 2:00pm

That is pretty much what I figured. I told him just to be honest with me. At that point, I doubt there was much of anything he could have said that would have changed what happened. I was too gaga over him to care at that point. My thing is...all those things are ok but 1 night cuddling is over the line?? I asked him over and over if it bothered him and he always said no. Then contact got less and less. Now he says I was getting too close but why not tell me that at the time especially since he was cutting ties. MEN! Now, I see him differently and really the only temptation with him now is the fact that the sex was AMAZING. So, it would be like he was just a boy toy. However, I am not one to sleep with people without emotions.

Sometimes, I don't think he even knows what he wants. The day before this convo we were talking and he commented that he thought that I was wanted him to save me. I straight up told him no...I love my hubby and have no intentions of leaving him. So is responds with so you are where you want to be and I am where I want to be. Then the following day this convo takes place. I mean, I know his ex-wife screwed him up but pushing everyone away isn't going to help.

He uses his daughter as an excuse for staying. Which in a sense I can understand from experience (took 6 months to leave my abusive 1st hubby due to circumstances) but then the bigger picture in my mind is that all men say they want to leave and have excuses as to why they can't.