So ready to be done....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
So ready to be done....
15
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 6:52pm

I feel like a mental basketcase!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Wed, 02-24-2010 - 9:01am

Love that quote.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 02-24-2010 - 9:58am

Thanks...


Yeah, I would never really play the wife card, because unlike him, I have been and will continue to be honest with him in this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 02-24-2010 - 1:45pm

I sent him an ultimatum.... Iknow you are busy or maybe you really are avoiding me, I don't know, I can't read your mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 9:16am

Vent away, that's what we're here for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 3:40pm

Can I join you ladies?


I, too, am ready to be done with this...but just

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 4:29pm

Always, jycee, :


Can a man join the EAS party?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 5:26pm

Hey Ladies,

Your posts really touched something in me. I am actually in the same situation ( A with a MW ). I am clearly the one that cares more in this A. She was there up until a few months ago and then she got really busy at work and that means a LOT less time for me; it has sucked. There was a time when she was very communicative and even seriously considering leaving her H, but that fell by the wayside. So, we are where we are. Her priorities are her son, herself, her husband, her health, her work and her family. I'm somewhere way down on the list. It used to feel differently, but I am clearly just something on the side.

In my situation, the frustration is starting to overshadow the pleasure, but I'm not quite ready to let it go. I am not suggesting that I will tolerate this forever, but there is something to learn while you I am here. I want to understand why I got so emotionally involved and to see what I can do to fix that. In some ways we all seem to feel that our AP controls the A, why is that? I'd like to understand what that is all about.

The status quo sucks, but where am I going? I am currently separated from my W, though I see her a few times a week and I'm not about to go out a find someone else. So, for now, I'll take what I can get, but I am working really hard to withdraw my emotions from my AP. I'm slowly stopping to chase her around. I don't really care whether she gets the message and starts paying more attention. I'd rather it slowly become less emotional and then get to the point where it will be easier to let it go.

I don't want to be in the A long-term (ack, 5 years kind of already is), but I don't need the drama of a hard ending either.

I wish you all the best and hope you come to terms with where you are at. I know we all are afraid of the hurt, but remember, the hurt comes from within us; not from them.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 5:35pm

I have no idea what FWB is... I'm pretty clueless as to most of the "lingo" around here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 10:49pm

HI MP, I read your posts and I connect to you in many ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 11:42pm

Lilolita,

I just read your post here and on EAS. I am so very sorry for you situation and your struggle. I know you feel messed up, but when I read your words, I think you have it straight. You aren't messed up; you seem really insightful and self-aware.

Here's the easy part...you don't have to be friends with anyone that you don't want to be friends with. Quite honestly, he doesn't sound like a good friend to you; he sounds like a bit of a jackass. I tend to think that we've all got this "love" thing messed up and we tie too many things into it. In what other circumstance would you be willing to accept so little from someone that says he wants to be your friend?

Given where I am at in my A, I can't speak from a point of authority, but let me try to explain it this way. When I, or my AP, we us together, decide that this needs to be over, I intend to treat her in a very respectful way. I believe that we care a great deal for each other. We can argue about whether it is, or could ever be, "love", but I don't see a difference. I don't want her to hurt, period. As much as I am frustrated with where things are at, and my inability to end it free and clear, I don't think she wants me to suffer. I try to think of her compassionately. I believe that she would prefer to be with me if she could, and that it saddens her that we aren't. I don't want her to suffer and be sad. I want her to be at peace and to have whatever she wants. I know it seems backwards, but consider it this way. When this is over, I know that I will give all of the space that she needs to heal. For me, that would mean NC.

We work together, like you and your AP, but I couldn't just be friends. Other than our A, I don't see much basis for being friends. It's not a question of whether or not our marriages continue, but if either did, it clearly wouldn't be appropriate to keep her as a friend. For me, though, I know that I couldn't tolerate it in any case. NC is the only way. I have already resigned myself to the idea that ending the A will require me to find a new job. I've already starting looking so that I am not too desperate when the time comes.

Reading your post, it seems like you are ready to dig deep and end this A that hurts you so much. You can do it. Frankly, all of his actions seem to indicate that he doesn't want to be with you. A real man, a confident man, a centered man, would let you go and allow you to heal.

Since you know my situation, you can feel free to ignore everything I have said. I tried to end my A, thought I was there and went back. I'm still sucking on the crumbs that she is throwing me like the pigeons in the park swarming a old lady with a bag of day old bread. I imagine them being really good crumbs from a nice loaf of sourdough bread, though.

MPV

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