So torn!!
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 10-23-2009 - 12:39am |
Where do I start. Some of you may know that H and I seperated almost 3 months ago. I love him but he was showing me no attention, affection. I felt he wasnt interested in me any longer. I tried talking to him and reaching out constantly and got nothing in return. Very hurtful and frustrating. Anyway, we mutually decided to seperate and it was hard on me. He seemed somewhat shaken but not much. He seemed kind of emotionless as usual. Even though I knew he loved me, he didnt show it well.
I had been seeing AP for about 9 months at that time. Me and H keep in contact pretty regular and still hang. We are good friends if nothing else. A few days ago he sends me a text saying he is falling in love with me all over again. I'm shocked but i calm down. Then he comes over to visit and tells me the same and how he knows he messed up and he doesnt want to be married to anyone but me and how wonderful I am and how he misses sleeping next to me and he's sorry. WTH? So I tell him about AP,

Aww caribu,
What a rotten place to be in, I really feel for you.
So, you and your H still see each other and hang...that's gotta be tough. My H hasn't spoken to me for over a year now, even though at first we cried with each other and tried to talk
Caribu, im so sorry you are going through this. I wish i had some advice or something to say that would make you feel better. You always have kind words and gentle nudges to me and others you post to and i hope that someone can help you with the lightbulb moment you need here.
I cant relate as i havet laid eyes on XH since the day he left the home over 2 years ago (no child support either but thats another story). I cant stomach the thought of having him turn back up on my doorstep as we parted badly (domestic violence & drugs). I cant believe how easygoing your H has been. It would be so simple if either man was an a$$ but you have a hard choice to make. I do not envy your decision here and hope you are able to soon for your own peace of mind.
Big hugs and sending good thoughts to help.
SB.
Hi Caribu,
It's tough ending a marriage. You will still have so many different feelings for your ex-spouse even if you have decided that separating and divorcing is the best option for you. Because you have spent how ever many years together you have a shared history and depending if you have children together you will be connected in someway for the rest of your lives. I think you said it best, you mentioned that you would both see how you feel in a year. Maybe an option would be to live apart for that year and also not see your ap for that time until you know for sure that you don't want to continue with your marriage? I know easier said than done but if you are confused maybe the time away from both men will help you decide what you want for your future. Take care
hi Caribu, I can relate somewhat to your story and im sorry your going through this. I told my H i no longer loved him and told him our M was over 6 months ago. Due to various reasons we are still under the same roof. We have had a few rough months but now its as if we have started to move on. We live complete separate lives, but the funny thing is we seem to be getting on better than when we were a couple. Sometimes i ask myself if i have the ability to fall back in love with him, i question the person he appears to me now. But then i kick myself into touch and think 'hang on if he is this person that he shows himself to be now, then why go 20 years of not putting the effort in to being a better person whilst we were together'. something deep inside of me tells me 'because he took me for granted, he musnt of thought the relationship worthy of the effort, otherwise every time i told him how i felt, everytime i begged him to treat me differently the love he declared that he had of me should of made him want to make the effort.
I cant judge your H as i dont know him, but i do beleive that the only way you will truly know of what you want is by putting a distance between yourselves. It will give you a better idea of your thoughts and feelings, and being able to distinguish on wether those feelings are being based on true feelings of love and want, or and this is just a suggestion feelings of guilt, pity or even out of a duty of feeling responsible for their happiness.
The descision in my opinion should be based on what makes you happy, on what you truly want deep down. You have the opportunity right now in evaluating that so take your time and if necessary take the time out you need.
As for AP you seem to love yours as i love mine. The desciion i made about my M was solely based on what i wanted for myself regardless of weather AP and I end up together. At the end of the day I would rather be happy with me and not have to rely on anyone to bring me happiness, that must be from within. AP to me is my enhancement in life, when and if we start a life together it will be because we are equal in putting the icing as such on each others cake rather than being the cake itself. And seeing my H happy in a life for himself in the future .....well that for me would be the cherry.......as all i want for my H is for him to find happiness too, but from someone that can give him 100% because anything less than that would not be fair on neither one of us.
Take care hun
SS
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
Hi caribu,
I knew you were separated from your previous posts, but didn't realize the two of you actually got along still.
I thank you all for responding. I feel you guys have helped me alot. I was hoping to here from you all.
Benska,
thanks for your encouragement. In some ways it would be easier if H and I didnt have feelings for one another. I just cant believe this is happening out of the blue. It completely caught me off guard. As far as the seperation, I started feeling fine with it. I started to see that is was the right thing for us to do and I
was glad. I had my freedom, not just to see AP but also freedom to start trying to be me again. We seemed to both be doing fine and realizing that we got along better being friends and being apart. Then he springs this on me
about how his heart has been opened to me and he sees things in a different perspective. I'm just going to take it a day at a time. Yes, my AP is married, that just makes things more complicated
Sorry you didnt get to go on your trip, that sucks. As you have already stated, I also wish I knew how I ended up here
HUGS
Hi caribu79,
My hat's off to you girl. I know you want to be friends with your H...not sure that it's a good thing or not, but I know that I'm somewhat envious. As I said, my H hasn't talked to me in two years and it bothers me a little. I mean, we spent 25 years together, we have two wonderful kids and a grandchild...it would be nice if he could finally forgive me. I often wonder if he would have preferred it if I'd had the A behind his back? Whatever.
H moving away has