So upset!
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So upset!
| Wed, 08-20-2003 - 4:00pm |
I dont know what to do, and how to get over my feelings of disgust, sickness and guilt. I Went out night before the wedding with bro-law to be, and a few others night before wedding. Got way to drunk (I have a very low tolerance). I remember very, very little, but do know I had sex with bro-in-law-to-be. I know drinking is not an excuse, and I was flirty, because I like attention. But I honestly did not think anyone would do such a thing (especially not me - I remember so little - just vague bits). I never believed that someone who was getting married would take advantage of a situation like that, even though I know its my fault. I could never tell my sis, and my family would never speak to me again. I feel so sick, and I know I deserve to feel this way. Am I the most evil person that ever lived? How do I fix this? Am I myself going to be single forever or have a cheating spouse myself because I was such a bad person?

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As for you, NEVER tell your sister what happened, it can only hurt her.
As for karma, well, we bring it on ourselves. You will have bad things happen to you if you do bad things to others because you will not have true friends who will protect you. You will have bad things happen to you if you do bad things to others because you will feel bad about yourself and you will do self destructive things that will cause yourself pain.
THAT'S what karma's about.
I am soooo very grossed out by the very thought of what happened.
I think I never deserve to have any luck/happiness inaything in the future because I did the worst thing anyone could do. And I don't even remember what happened or how it happened!
Bro-in-law is an idiot. You made a mistake and feel remorse. He's bad. You're not. Don't wallow in guilt; learn from it and let it make you a better person. Don't confess to your family or friends, it will only cause them more pain than you already feel. If you need to talk, seek out a therapist or use this board.
As for your future behavior as a "cheating spouse", well, many of us here answer to that name. Cheating comes in many flavors and occurs for many reasons. Read some of the posts on this board and you will find some morals and ethics that agree with your own, others that don't. We don't judge. We all have our own stories.
Pug
I disagree. I think it's hypocritical of anyone here to claim the BiL is a snake when you haven't given us enough info to determine that. What I do know is that it takes two people to have sex (generally speaking...) and both you and BiL were willing participants. Why is BiL the snake... because he's a guy? We don't know if he feels remorse or not, if he was also drunk or not... we don't know if it was a one-time fling or he's a chronic cheater.
What I do agree w/is that you should never tell your sister. There is no way any good can come of that.
What I disagree with is that your BiL is now somehow responsible for making things "right." If this was a one-time drunken fling for him as well, you are both better off feeling guilty on your own and forgetting about it. If he is a chronic cheater than your sister no doubt had signs of this well before her M, and this is her problem. Not yours.
Stop beating yourself up and figure out what you can do to like yourself better. This stuff is all within your control. You just have to be willing to take responsibility for it.
Good luck.
-lily
I feel like an episode of Jerry PSringer here.
They live in a different state, so I will not have very much contact. Plus my family is a "broken" one, so there won't be holidays. Besides, I would never, ever, ever do something like that again. I know its even hypocritcal of me to say this, but I love my sister. I will no longer drink around people I can't trust to steer in me in the right direction, when I am not taking charge of my own actions. I should have never let myself get in the position to run loose like that.
BiL - both apologized to each other. He was very sorry. I told him, not to let it happen, and concentrate on having a good future. I told him, I don't remember veryu much, but I was at faukt for being so drunk, and putting myself in that position.
They are very young. I think he met her, when he had another girlfriend, and dated my sis and the other girl at the same time. Plus they were having difficulties at one point, and his room-mate told my sis he took someone home from a bar. He denied at the time, and my sis believed him. He broke up with her, she tried to kill herself (supposidly an "accident" - but I don't think so). They got back together, and got engaged.
My sis deserves none of this though. No one does. Really. She was an unwilling party, and I should have protected her, as she has done for me, several times since the bad night. Each time she is nice to me, I feel even more and more gulity.
I won't tell her. I told one friend, and he said I was a really screwed up person, who needs to much attention. I agree. I often feel bad, and it feels good if people think you are nice and pretty. But this time, I don't think I sought it from the BIL - I turely had no intentions of such a thing, and I sooooo wish I could take back the night.
Again, I don't even know exactly what happened. I just remember bits. I know that it takes two. And more responsibility is on me. Its my sister. I can only take care of my own actions. I am a bit scared of the karma post. I am actually single and am afraid that my very very evil behavior, has only earned me unhappiness in the future...
Does karma leave room for remorse, guilt, and being a much better person than you ever were before?
Thanks for listening. I don't where else to talk about this....
That night does not matter anymore. The only thing important about it is that you have to recognize what parts of it you are responsible for and can control, and what you can't. Your sis obviously knows what she married... they have enough history and issues there that her M is her problem and whatever problems they may have in the future, they will still having NOTHING to do w/your night with your BiL. So don't try to assume guilt that isn't yours... you have enough to deal with. Leave them to sort out their own stuff.
In the meantime, you sound like you might be clinically depressed. Don't go for help or counseling over that one night: that's a one-time thing. Go for help because you feel like crap and you need to pull yourself out of it. If you treat yourself with more respect, others will do the same. You are the only one who can solve these issues, the only one who can take care of you. Don't wait for friends or relatives to "steer" you in the right direction, whether your drunk or sober. That's YOUR job. It's time to start doing it. Please pay attention to what you already know, and ACT on it.
best of luck to you,
lily
I agree with Lily. Also, although you feel bad because this is the man who married your sister, I would focus more on the fact that you put yourself in a dangerous position. You could have been beaten or he could have had a disease and you were unable to say no and/or change your mind. Please check your drinking from now on. You can get compliments and even be very insecure without endangering yourself.
Personally, I don't believe in the karma bull***. There are many people who do evil and NEVER get their due and if you are always waiting for others to "get theirs" you can end up a very bitter and disappointed individual, same if you are always waiting for what you "deserve" simply because you are good to others. "Good" people suffer through no fault of their own, and "bad" people can truly be happy (if such labels every really apply). Lead a life that you feel good about and learn from mistakes by going forward. However, your living a good life or being a good person is not dependent on or limited to mistakes you make with others, intentional or not.
Your sister has not had this rosy relationship with this guy and it is possible that even if she knew about that night, she would only blame you and stay with this guy. It happens all of the time. Your making sure that you never repeat the same mistake with him is what you can do for "her", and your making sure that you never put yourself in that type of situation again is what you can do for "you". :-) I am not saying that blame needs to be placed more on one or the other but when you have two people who are intoxicated beyond reason, you can't just expect it to all turn out OK.
Sometimes we get wake up calls that let us know we are going in the wrong direction. If this had happened to you and your sister was not involved, you "might" chalk it up as a night where you had a little too much to drink. You feel bad about what happened because of your sister, but think beyond that to the many other things that could have happened to you that night...
Take care!
Rose
SO!!! Lets look at this realistically...telling your sis will do NOTHING but relieve you of some guilt you're carrying on your shoulders and cause her unnecessary pain. With that said, you must be prepared to handle the unfortunate event that your BIL decides to lose his head and tell your sister. By the sounds of it he won't but in the event he does depending on the intricate details of the situation I would likely go with the deny, deny, deny rule. Make him out the ass.
I guess perhaps Im just really into letting sleeping dogs lay but in most cases I truly think that's best for everyone...it was what it was but it's over...
As far as Karma, I dont believe in it...
Good luck!
Liberal
About a year ago, I put myself in the same situation with someone I knew, had a few experainces with previously, and who was in town for one night. At some pount in the night, I changed my mind said it wasn't going to happen, I became aware at one point he was on top of me, and I tried to wiggle away, but was too unsure of what was going to do so, I started crying pulled myself into a ball - and he left me in a different town with no way home.
Just two weeks ago, he was back in town with some friends, although I never saw him, I had friends who did. I had been pretty careful about how much I have had to drink and with who, until this last experiance. Maybe if I was stronger I would have been a better sister.
All I know, is I was at fault here for my behavior, no matter what the past. I just want to feel like I am not the only one who has made such a horrible mistake. I feel very alone, and very sick with myself. I feel very weak and out of control of my actions. I am going to limit my drinking and be more that my actions lead to the consequences. I just feel like I don't deserve good things to happen to me now, because I wasn't a good person. Is this the kind of thing that could be forgiven (although I could never tell anyone?)
Again, thanks for letting me vent.... You have been so wonderful!
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