So very confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
So very confused
4
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:04pm
Just to start this off, I'm not having an affair. Thats not my problem. My husband and I have an open relationship, and we're both pretty happy with that. My problem is, I have very strong feelings for H's best friend. I've known him (and had a crush on him lol) for 6 years now and in that time, well, we've had sex a total of 3 times and H knows about this. The last time was very recent. Best friend doesnt have the same feelings as me... I dont think, anyways. I just feel so mixed up lately. Fantasizing what it would be like if best friend DID share the same feelings. There is so much more I want to tell you about him, but it doesnt really matter.

I really dont know what kind of response I'm going to get here... but I needed somewhere to put my feelings down that might have people who understand.

medicated

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:33pm
I guess your post brings up the question, "what is an affair"? You have had sex outside your marriage and although H knows, is that cheating? Your involvement has been just physical, so you are not in an emotional affair (yet), but you are thinking about another man and you are developing feelings.. some might say you are having an affair. I guess it really doesn't matter, where you are is still confusing.

You really didn't ask a question, or ask for advice. So, I won't give any advice or guess what your questions are. I will pose some to you, however? Will you see this man again for sex? Will you tell H that you are developing feelings? Will you tell the OM that you are developing feelings? Did you think this might happen ever in an "open marriage" relationship?

I am not passing any judgement at all... just curious and hopefully allowing you to think through some obvious questions out loud.

Good luck... its all complicated and confusing!

Starz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 11:45am
Thanks for your reply starz... No I dont think I could tell either of them. H would become jealous (seems strange in an open relationship, I know but - there's a difference between just sex and developing a relationship/intimacy) and then the friendship with best friend would be broken, and I dont want that. The main thing about best friend... I know he really likes me, but I dont really think he's attracted to me, he goes in for those super skinny blonde model types and I'm just the opposite. So other than having an occasional screw, this wont go anywhere, and I know that. I just dont know how to stop fantasizing about this. This is so sad, but if I was ever going to have an affair, it would be with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:14pm
Hi Medmom,

Wow, I don't come across many people with open marriages. I would think that for those who mutually agree to it(and nothing wrong with that), an open marriage would be ideal for them. And it sounds like it has been for you until you starting developing these emotional feelings. Sorry I have no advice, I am now just interested in knowing about your circumstance since it is so rare. Did you and H marry with the understanding that it would be an open marriage? Or did you come to that decision later on down the road. Is OM's W privy to all this too? Sorry, I can't help but to ask.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:13am


Hi Medmom,

I don't know who wrote the rules that you can't love more than one person at the same time. It goes against everything we teach our children, because its only in our sexual relationships that we apply the rule. Everywhere else we teach them that the more you love, the more you can love. Right?

It sounds almost like you are looking for polyamory, where more than two people share in a loving relationship. You don't want your husband to be jealous or hurt. But you'd like to include his best friend in that circle. I'm not sure exactly how you would broach the subject, but it might be something worth exploring. You and your husband would always be the core, but even if his best friend is attracted to a different physical type than you, emotionally there can still be a loving relationship. Truly, friends and lovers.

My MM and I are still wrestling with where our relationship will go. But I can say that we would have an "open" marriage. As long as I feel secure in his love and he feels secure in mine, then opening our hearts to other people and sharing with them would be an added gift. Of course, each of us would have the right to say no. The center of our relationship is our love for each other and in no way would we want to hurt that.

Anyway, I don't know if you are familiar with polyamory, but it is something that you might want to read about. It might provide a means to talk with your husband. True love builds, supports and grows.

Good luck.