so very tired...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
so very tired...
7
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:30am
I'm about completely exhausted. I guess I know it will get better, but I'm just kind of beat today.

Starting my second week out of the house, which is sort of a good thing. But I'm also a man without a country. I have 95% of my stuff at the house and I'm taking it a little at a time. I really only go to my apartment to shower, get clothes, and sometimes read for a little while. I've spent every night with the OW, which has been wonderful, but is definitely going to require some adjustments.

The W started counseling last Friday. So her approach to trying to get me back is changing, but it's still near constant and exhausting especially since we work together. She spilled all she knew about our M to her therapist who says I'm unusually in touch and open for a 33 year old man. Her therapist told her it was very unusual that a man would seek counseling before the woman and then do it alone without the woman pushing him (I did all of that last summer without her.)

Great, I appreciate the compliments but it's led to my W telling me things like she is trusting my judgement and that I'm wise and I almost always make the right decision in hard situations. Of course, I know that all of that will evaporate if I go over there and tell her I've decided I think it's best not to continue being married. So I'm a little resentful about the ego padding because I think it's conditional; I certainly don't trust the way she's suddenly decided I'm a Buddha-in-training. And it's just this type of bait and switch behavior that has led to this situation.

The OW... I really love waking up next to her. Easter was wonderful, we made dinner together, ate with her and the munchkin and had a great night. She doesn't understand really why I'm continuing to try to be friends and social with my W, but she's trying to deal with it.

Her meds got changed about three weeks ago and I guess they're starting to adjust now... I know, I've been learning to deal with her depression for the last year, but it's so up and down right now. Then they change her meds or whatever. I feel for Red, because I see how the OW is: her highs seem to be "rolled off" and I guess her lows are too, but the new meds seem to leave her a little less herself. I do know it's the meds, but it's still a new challenge for me to learn about and understand.

I'm also a night owl. I usually stay up until 2am or so then get up at 7. The OW goes to bed at like 9:30 or 10, and right now I feel like I want to be in bed next to her to talk and wind down. My life is so busy and crazy and I usually don't even get over there until 8 or even 9, so I want to be sure we have that connecting time before sleeping. We really connect so well, just touching without speaking seems to calm us down. My M didn't have this, ever, and I don't want that to repeat in this relationship. So I'm not getting all of these things done that I used to because my day is three to four hours shorter.

I guess I'm just venting. I know, we all do it once in a while, and that's what the board is here for. I know it will get better... it's just so tiring trying to deal with ending one while kind of taking the other to the next level. And despite the proclamations that both want me to be happy, I am nowhere near naive enough to think either means it completely; they mean they want me to be happy (with them.)

I know, maybe I should take more alone time, but it seems really hard to do right now. Ever feel like in the process of making yourself happy you've allowed too many people to put leins against your time/life? I guess that's how I feel today.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:35am
Rain...I imagine you are feeling displaced and a bit lonely as well, which I am sure is absolutely normal. Just be sure to take care of yourself...you can't ever forget to do that. And if you ever need to talk (or vent), we are here....that's our whole purpose...to support and listen to our friends here on the board.

You can email me if you want to ever just "talk" at stiflers_mom1200@yahoo.com (yeah, crazy email...what can I say?)

Take care....

NRY

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:55pm
Just sending some hugs your way . . . .

"Ever feel like in the process of making yourself happy you've allowed too many people to put leins against your time/life? I guess that's how I feel today."

I can totally empathize - I've spent the last couple of months trying to get out of that situation. It's incredibly hard, but you have to learn to put yourself first - take care of you! Even something as simple as going to a movie alone and hiding out in the dark can be incredibly rejuvenating!!

You seem to be on the right road, keep taking it day by day and treat yourself here and there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:12pm
You worried about being a night owl? Well, I think in a way its good. Consider this, you have a newborn sometime down the road and it time for nighttime feeding. If I were your OW or W, I would dump the kid after feeding to you and go back to sleep. LOL You can change the baby and put him/her in the crib. But then that's me - seeing good in every little situation. Before that, can she try going to be at 10:30 maybe so that you have some qulity time together. A little changing is what is required.

Otherwise you sound tired and exhausted from the move and change in your routine. It might help to settle down in your house for a while without running around from w to OW to your house. It can drive you up the wall. Other than that - I think you are doing preeetty good. :-)


Edited 4/13/2004 1:14 pm ET ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:43pm
rain, i agree with juliet. your previously settled down life is now all about newness and adjustment and compromise. it is exhausting, mentally and physically. don't worry, the adjustments will become the norm for you and OW and the munchkin and since you're so level-headed and sensitive (as W's therapist says! and haha, love the budda-in-training reference!) the home life will work out just fine, given attention, care and understanding.

and of course you're resentful of your W's newfound enlightenment, but it's too little, too late for the M. go slowly with the ending phase. not pissing W off too much will make the official end a bit smoother.

hang in there rain. you're doing it just right. and come here to whine, vent and rejoice!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:52pm
Hi Rain,

Life does get overwhelming at the best of times you are experiencing a lot of changes right now and still trying to deal with everyday life - it must feel like a whirlwind.

Well, try to relax a bit. The things that don't get done today, will still be there tomorrow. I know that it's difficult when tasks pile up, but once your personal life starts to settle down, you'll be in a better frame of mind to catch up.

Thanks for the update - but don't forget about yourself.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:54pm
You are such a good person Raining. I think that is what is exhausting you. Most people allow themselves some time to adjust to things and I think deep down you want this too. But you don't want to let anyone down. The problem is in some ways, that is what got you in this spot in the first place isn't it? I guess I just think you're going to have to find a way to spend some nights in your apartment. You're paying for it for a reason and you should explain to OW that you need some time to yourself so that as the two of you move forward, you will be more ready to build the kind of R she deserves.

I still gain so much insight from you because in some ways you're about 6 weeks ahead of where I will be soon. Of course, in my situation I have children to consider, but I'm still very much at peace about moving out next month. But I know the tough times are still ahead. I guess in some ways I feel lucky that IS won't be able to live with me right away. As much as part of me wants to dive right into sharing my life with her fully, I know I will need that time to adjust too.

I don't know if you will be able or willing to get that time to yourself, but I really think it would be wise. If you can't bring yourself to do it for you, remember that it will help your R with OW long term. Your chances of success with her will only increase if you take this time. Of course you can still see her everyday if you want, just don't sleep there. Just my thoughts man, take them as you will. Again, I appreciate you sharing and wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:19pm
Rain,

Let me agree with everyone.......take care of yourself first. I think you are just in the process of unwinding yourself from one relationship and moving forward with the new one. Altho you are ready for the M to end, there is also a sense of loss there I am sure. I hope that you take some time for you and remember that we are all here to listen whenever you need it.

Kitty