Some advice please!!!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Some advice please!!!!!
8
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 3:11pm
My life is finally on the path I want it to go. I just feel like I can't give to my marriage anymore. My husband is trying to be the man I've wanted him to be for so long. I feel like it's too little to late (does that make sence?) Our realationship has been rocky from the get go, and I think that we both know if it wasn't for the kids we wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. The thing is we don't really fight anymore, we just don't communicate, or have anything in commen anymore. Loike I said, he is really trying, and I know I'm the one who has changed, I just feel numb. Do I owe it to him and our children to keep trying, or do I owe it to myself to move on??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 3:16pm
blueyes - i just replied to your original post about getting a divorce. same answer applies here, just not gonna repeat it.

gurl

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 3:25pm
girlfriend thanks for the advice, I know what my priorities are, I just don't think that they include my husband anymore. My reason for the A, I tried foever to tell my husband how I felt about things, and his response was always " If you don't like it, here's the door" well' I walked out the door one night, and then of course everything was automatically my fault. Even if I really wanted to put the effort into making my marriage work, I honestly don't think he would ever live it down, or trust me again. Frankly, I'm not the type of person to walk on egg sheles to please others. Does that make me a heartless person??
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 3:35pm
O.K. that's a little more info. Do you love your husband? Do you feel any passion for him? Anger? Hatred? Lust? Is he able to get your goat? Then you probably have some feelings left, maybe enough to hold your relationship together. Or, do you feel numb ALL the time? If you do, you not only owe it to yourself but to your husband and to your children. You won't be getting your needs met and neither will your husbands'. Your children will know (if they don't already) that you do not love each other. How will that affect the choices they make as adults? How will it affect them the rest of their lives? You do know the answer, like I said before. Medea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 3:42pm
honey, your H is the heartless person if you tell him you're unhappy and his response is "there's the door". what's up with that? obviously he doesn't care what you want or need out of the M, so why bother to work at it. you can't tiptoe (or walk on those eggshells) and have any kind of meaningful R.

but don't leave for the OM in your life. leave for you and a better future!

good luck no matter what you decide,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 3:52pm
Welcome to my world. I'm fence sitting as we speak. I don't love my H but I don't hate him either. I keep wondering if my life is as good as it gets. I love MM madly but keep thinking it's WAY too good to be true. Hold out for a few months and see how you feel. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 10:54pm
Boy does this sound familier. I walk on eggshells every minute I'm at home. I don't do it for my wife, I do it for my kids. Although the home they live in is far from ideal, they smile a lot, are top students in their respective classes at school and do well in sports. I'm not sure if that would continue if both their parents weren't under the same roof even though they don't love each other. Someday they will be gone, when that day comes I'll be gone too. However, until that day comes, I want to be a part of their lives as much as I can, even if it means being in a personal hell.

You have to ask yourself the "what if's" and really think it through. I guess the biggest question is how old are your kids? If they are starting to fend for themselves, maybe it's worth considering.

A friend of mine just got divorced and has lost everyday contact with her kids. It's killing her. I see what she is going through, and my troubles don't seem so bad.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:35pm
Thank you for the advice. My children are 5,3,&1 Saddley enough they have been through hell in the last year. I know the only real reason I don't leave is because I'm terrified of the financial asspects of being alone. I know that's terrible, I just can't seem how to make up my mind, I can't do this for the next 18 years
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:10pm
blueyes -- that's a long time to fence-sit, 18 years! i left my M/H when my children were 10, 6 and 2 with just a low-paying part-time job to fall back on. so besides childe support from H, i got 2 part-time jobs until i found a better-paying full-time job. had daycare for the youngest, and rounded up lots of support/help from neighbors, girlfriends, siblings to help me get the kids around from school, daycare, sports, whatever. i was poor, but let me tell you, i was never so happy to be free of the constant non-communication, no sex, no love, no respect, relationship with my H! it was the BEST MOVE i've ever made.

it IS hard to take that first step toward independence, but you will when you reach your "limit"! hundreds of thousands of us survive and thrive, and you can too!

lostvoyage -- staying for the children is a waste of your life and theirs too. i understand what you're staying, but is a cop-out. you can maintain daily contact with your children, either in person or by telephone. and have during-the-week visits, either overnight if you live close to their mother and schools, or just dinner and conversation. it's totally doable if you make the effort to just do it. you can be happy instead of waiting for the children to grow up and then leave.

good luck to all of you,

gurl