Someone, please help me sort this out!!!
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| Sat, 08-23-2003 - 9:43am |
I usually see MM once a week, although I did see him twice last Sat and Sun but haven't been able to see him since. He "usually" calls every day, sometimes we aren't able to talk because if he has employees working at the time, he just can't. But, on the days he alone..we talk all day, between customers, etc. Lately, though just in the last couple of weeks..he's starting not calling at all on some days, not even the short calls just to let me know what's up at the time. So far, it's only been about 3 times he's done this, but I guess because I've been "spoiled" to talking to him each and every day...yes, I had a problem with this.
I talked to him on Monday, but then Tuesday I didn't hear a word from him all day. On Wednesday, I decided to go shopping and I left my cell at home (purposely) because I was just stressed, I had all of these emotions going up and down, thinking about things with us and wondering why I get mad at certain times, etc.
Well, low and behold, he called that day nearly all day long. I didn't get home until 2:30 and my daughter came home on the bus just a few mintutes later as did her dad as he gets home at 3:00. I COULD have called him back by leaving the house and making an effort, but my child was upset because she didn't make chorus, etc., and I opted to just wait it out.
On Thursday he called first thing, and I could tell he was a bit perturbed as we had "sorta" planned to get together that morning before he had to go into work at 2:00. We never officially made plans, so I don't think that was a big deal. Anyways...by that time I was also sick, and had run a fever the night before and just basically felt like crap. He kept tiptoeing over the day before and saying how he had tried and tried to call and how he was hoping he could have seen my Wed. ng., I told him I went shopping and left my phone at home to charge & forgot it.
He thened asked me "if I had been thinking over the last couple of days" about us? And, at first I hesitated (he can read me like a book) and then I said well, yeah...I have. (He trys to pull everything out of me) by asking questions. So he starts asking things like..."you've been wondering how you let it get this far, you didn't mean for it to happen" etc. and well, I started crying. He started talking all serious about everything all the while putting things into question form....for me to 'answer' yet...he'd give me the answer too...like above. I hope that makes sense. He started talking about 'what if someone told our kids one day?, why do this if it can't go anywhere, we're doing our spouses like crap, etc.' The whole while...I'm thinking..he's "asking" me these questions, he obviously been thinking them, right? and he did say, I've thought and asked myself all of those things.
Then..............he says, maybe we just shouldn't see each other for a while, give it a week, three days, something. Then, he even said...we don't have to have sex...we can just talk and be friends?? Can you do that? << I mean, I didn't know what to say...so I said well, I mean I guess if that's what he wanted to do, there was nothing I could do. THEN...he's like, that's not what I want to do, I want to keep seeing you, I love you..I know how I feel today, yesterday..I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I know I do love you. SO by now, I'm really confused and of course I tell him I don't want to stop seeing him either but now I was so confused and HURT thinking he didn't really want to keep seeing me...he said, no...it wasn't him, he was just doing it thinking it's what I might need. We finally ended our conversation, and he said I'll talk to you in a couple of days...I'm like "what" and he said...oh forget it..I'll call when I can and I love you. Well, of course, he DID call yesterday but only for a minute to 'tell me he was alive' when I told him I didn't expect to hear from him for a couple of days...he's like, I told you I'd call when I had time..which somewhat pissed me off. He then said something like we aren't talking about "anything" just work and stuff...and I'm thinking "whatever" by this point and the conversation ended very shortly after with a simple good-bye.
Am I right to be so confused??? It's like at times, I feel as though he does this to me like he's wanting me to come running back when he says maybe we shouldn't talk for a while, etc. I don't know what to think, is he just having the same emotional feelings as me and just doesn't know how to deal with them or what? It's like I can handle my own emotions but then even if I think he's thought "the same things" as me...sometimes, that hurts my feelings, and I don't know why. I know I just can't fathom the thought of letting him walk off again like I did 12 years ago and I even told him this and he told me...I'm not going anywhere, you have me for life, whether you want me or not, you have me for life. << This was all in the same conversation as the one above and I went from thinking one minutes, oh no, he doesn't want to see me anymore but he just wants me to tell him....to he really does love me. Please give me some insight as to how I can even discuss with him how this makes me feel because I don't even know where to begin. I know that his asking ME "questions" and then answering them for me has got to stop, (even though half the time he's right) cause it's driving me nuts!

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Is this possible?
Pug
I DO feel this way. He even said the other day that he thought we were both a little insecure because of the situation. The thing is, I've never been an insecure person but I do feel like he's making me into one sometimes.
I guess I'm not the type of person to put my whole heart out on the line, because I don't want to get hurt or seem like a fool if I'm wrong about what he's thinking, ya know? So I don't know what to do, but 'games' is the same word I've been using to and I'm also not really sure if it's the right one or not either, I do know I've thought about ALL of the things he was 'asking' about, and I do think I can deal with my OWN emotions about this whole EMA, I'm just not sure I can deal with his too...does that make sense?
Maybe he is playing games or maybe he is just confused and on a roller coaster too. I have to believe that the MM feels the same way that we do at times. I mean, how much easier can it be for them?? Maybe he is testing you or testing himself. MY MM doesn't lead me into questions like yours does, but sometimes a day or two will go by that I don't hear from him and I think " God, I miss him soooo badly, how can he not call me??" (A little background, I work with my MM and he has a pretty important position in our company. I hardly ever call him unless he asks me to or it is business related. He almost always calls me. It isn't really a control thing. Its more like he is in and out of meetings all day and if I call him, I'll just get voice mail anyway. So he calls when he can talk to me privately).
I think that your MM maybe pulling back a little trying to figure things out.
Good luck to you.
RH
Don't apologize for a long post! I'm sorry you are down, and hope it helped some just to be able to get it out.
I don't know that *most* men play games, any more than *most* women do. Not in the sense you are thinking...it is perhaps a mind game though, with himself. It sounds to me as though he was analyzing, and trying to second guess what you were thinking, thus the questions. Unless MM has given you reason before to not trust he is saying what he means, then I would take his words at face value.
An EMA relationship is different than an open relationship emotionally - sometimes we don't feel free to express the emotions, alot of times the emotions come on quicker and more condensed, sometimes it's just so darn confusing because we haven't experienced this type of relationship before...so we can almost liken it to when we first starting dating - awkward teens, lol. We are adults and therefore find it confusing to need reassurance when we feel we should be mature and able to handle the situation.
Men can feel emotional, or confused too, but just deal with it differently. I think half the time we expect men to be able to handle it and the other half of the time we wonder how they can handle it so well, lol. In an A, we can be supportive of their emotions in areas like family or work or other, but with emotions dealing with us we may be too emotional or confused to deal with it, and therefore can't be supportive - it becomes distorted and mixed up because our perspective is how we feel, not necessarily how they feel...it's personal.
So, it all becomes a mind game in our own heads. Are they thinking what we are thinking? Do they feel what we feel? Yadda, yadda, yadda. We need to KISS - Keep It Simple Sweetie. Do we trust him/her? If so, then we can trust their words when they say they care/love us, when they say they want to be in the relationship, when they say they need space but it doesn't mean they don't want to continue, etc. Why would *most* lie about it (and especially in your case, it doesn't sound he is in it just for the sex). There's no hidden meaning or reason behind the words and no need to analyze and play mind games with *ourselves*.
This is JMHO (just my humble opinion). Don't take it personally, hon, when MM needs space to handle it - you should be glad he is trying to find a balance, and therefore continue to keep your relationship in his life. Both (my, lol) MM and I require breaks, and I need one RIGHT NOW! It doesn't mean I don't love him or want him in my life, it just means I'm having a hard time with keeping my head straight.
Well I don't know that I've helped you, but it's helped me a bit to respond in such length, lol. I do hope you two can KISS! Be sure to let us know how you get on.
Hugs,
Meow
I too never call him, I will return a call but I made it clear that those things were up to him for the most part and like your MM, he's often busy, etc., and it's just better for him to call me. Maybe he is pulling back....I feel like that sometimes, but...then he confuses me by saying he wants to keep seeing me, and I have him for life, things like that, so I don't really know what to think or how to explain to him how all this really makes me feel.
I have a question though to anyone on the board that may be able to answer, if in fact...he is pulling back, I mean maybe he and I both need a little break??? I notice from alot of posts it seems like alot of these EMA go through periods of NC. How do you keep from feeling like...say, after a week or two or even longer of NC that it's just about the sex? I'm not saying anyone in that position on here...I'm just saying "I" feel like...after I didn't talk to him that long, then he called...I wouldn't feel like having sex with him at that point...because I think it would make me feel used....does that make sense? I hope so....I don't want to offend anyone, I'm just confused and wonder if anyone else has had those feelings after periods of NC?
Thanks
PR
But it's only been this time that things have gotten so serious, we've expressed feelings and love that we both knew was also there in 91 when neither of us would admit it. I know he loves me because he never had to bring up anything about feelings this time, but chose to instead. I keep telling myself...it really isn't anything like a regular relationship and that's why I have certain problems with things and at times I guess I do feel insecure about the whole thing.
And I DO always think to myself...are you thinking what I'm thinking, etc...that made so much sense to me...that he'd do the same thing too, I just never thought about it like that before. Unlike alot of guys I've dated before, he's very good about expressing himself, etc., and sometimes I think it's ME that has a hard time with it and thus...maybe that's the problem. I've told him before I'm not that easy to get things out of and sometimes I do keep things that I should express to myself...so therefore, he trys to pry things out of me by asking me questions...I hadn't thought before I read your post, but I remember him saying the other day...I'm sorry I guess I'm second guessing your feelings but I know you aren't going to just come out and tell me. It's funny he used those very same words as you.
I'm still having a problem understanding the 'breaks' that people seem to take, I guess because so far.....I just can't get enough of him, ya know? I only get to see him once a week, maybe twice and I'd love to see him everyday if I could. You may have read my previous post about this very same thing, how do you handle it...when the contact is restarted, or was it worse that first time? Does it get better each time..as I see you said you've needed several? I hope you don't mind answering these questions for me, I just get so confused and even though we did have an EMA 12 years ago...it wasn't really anything like this, it was SO different because we didn't involve feelings I guess so in a way...I think I consider this my first full blown A if that makes sense.
Funny that you should mention it, but I was on vacation for 2 weeks earlier this month as was MM. We had NC for those weeks other than a few work related emails that were all business. Weird, I missed him so much when we were apart, but felt very distant from him when I got back. I think that he knew that I felt it too. Then, we didn't see each other for another 2 weeks, but we talked. I saw him on Thursday for the first time in over a month. At a business meeting. Finally, b/f he had to leave, we found a place to be alone and he kissed me. It felt a little strange to me at first. Usually, we feel so close to each other. We are meeting on Monday to be alone. I am a little nervous about how I feel. This has never happened before. For the first time in almost 3 years, I wonder if this is worth the pain and suffering. I wonder if this is the result of me pulling back for self-preservation or if it is indicative of something else.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Wish me luck.
RH
I wish I had more time to respond to your post - you 've always seemed to take the time to respond to my posts. How are you doing? I just wanted to say that Meow had a good point (I think that was the post) in that it's good that he's taking the time to think this through - so he can work it out in his head how exactly to be with you - to make this relationship work. I know it must be hard to hear him admit to what he's struggling with (even though you are struggling witht the same issues), but it's so much better than not knowing at all. Don't you think? He has told you he loves you. Even if you two do take a break for a bit - I doubt it will be for a lengthy period of time, and you now have the green light to be completely open and honest with each other. You will now be able to sort everything out - talk freely to each other, and figure out exactly what direction the two of you would like to go with this relationship. Maybe I'm too much of a romantic, but I'd be so happy to hear that he loves me! That's such a big step. Let us know what's going on.
I'll tell you what it sounds like to me... sounds like HE was hurt that he couldn't get a hold of you and felt kinda left out in the cold (not that you meant to do that - you didn't know your daughter would need you and that you'd get sick) so he was reaching trying to figure out just what you feel for him - trying to find out what you want with the situation. Sounds to me like he might just be in to you more than you are in to him - believe it or not. And yes it's confusing for him to think that you can go the entire day without your cell phone - what did you NOT want to talk to him? LOL that's hard on his ego! LOL
But you have every right to take time away and think about what you want - and so does he - unfortunately! LOL Although yes I do think he WANTS you to want him right now and wants you to come running after him - and I just don't think that would be healthy. Instead I do think you should approach him about the way he "questions" you and tell him you don't like it. Tell him to either tell you how he feels or ask you how you feel but stop putting words in your mouth. REgardless if he is right or not maybe you aren't wanting to divulge as much info as he is getting and that is eating at you!
So... I suggest the next time he calls you tell him you two need to first take 2 days or more with NC and evaluate what you want with this A and then schedule a time to get together and talk and in his case LISTEN and then you BOTH need to be honest... with each other and with yourselves!!!!
Talk about how much contact you each want - and what it means when you don't hear from each other - talk about where you both see this headed and talk about what you feel for each other - and reassure each other!
That's my 2 cents - take it or leave it! ;) LOL
Hugs to you girl - be strong and love much!!! :)
Hugs to You
PR
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