someone in the same boat

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
someone in the same boat
10
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 12:59pm
Hi Everyone,

I have been reading the message board and felt I have the need to talk.

I have been unhappliy married for 19 year to an abusive drunk. He put me down constantly and made me feel like a prisoner. I am now seperated and getting divorced.

I started having an affair with a MM about 1-1/2 years ago. He was my friend for many years. We used to talk about our unhappy relationships together and I guess we felt comfort in our friendship. One day at a golf outting he dared me to kiss him. That's all it took. I was puddy in his arms. We had an evening of passion that I hadn't felt in years. He said all the right things to me about my own happiness. How I was in charge of my own destiny and happiness. I could change my future if I really wanted to. He was right, I started a new diet and exercise program the next day. I lost 60 pounds due to his kind words and friendship. I now feel great about my looks for the first time in many years. Now I am in love with this man who is commited to his children and wife. I know he is not happily married because of our previous friendship. But I'm now like an addict. Thinking of him constantly and how great he makes me feel. I know it is wrong but I can't stop. I like to hear from someone else in the same boat. I'd like to hear how you feel. Thanks for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:17pm
hi fun and welcome to the board. i think your screen says it all for your frame of mind right now -- not just for fun and why not? just because you finally got strong enough to end your abusive marriage doesn't mean your MM is willing or able to walk away from his M.

honey, an A is just that, an A. not a marriage, just for fun, on the side, extra. if you all the sudden change up the "rules," you have to expect the other person will not be happy with you!

has your MM expressed any desire to move forward with a permanent R with you? it doesn't sound like it from your post - "he's committed to his children and wife." so the question becomes, what do you want? for you?? now that you're free to steer your own boat and make your own destiny, do you want to wait around for the precious little free time and attention MM can give you, or do you want to move on with your life and actually experience the world of "dating." if you stay in your R with MM, it will be a rather lonely life. your MM gave you the confidence to feel good about yourself and that's great. keep MM as a friend, but look beyond him for your happiness.

the world's your oyster girl! find that pearl!!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:28pm
Fun, welcome to the board. Im glad you decided to come out of lurking and post. Although Im not in your situation I can certainly relate to the gift of self esteem a lover can give to you. I was married to H#1 when I had an affair with my current husband. He became my source of empowerment and I to lost weight and changed my life and left a relationship which was unhealthy in its entirety. Fortuntely, my OM at the time was single so once I left it opened up on oppurtunity which we seized.

Appreciate the personal empowerment and except and cherish the relationship that you have with your MM. You may want to breeze through the rules of EMA to help to keep you in focus of what is expected in an EMA...

Best of luck to you and again, Im glad you decided to join us...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:29pm
HI FUN

Good for you getting out of an abusive situation is hard.

You have shaped up your body now it is time to do it to the rest of your life.

It is the feelings that you are ADDICTED TO NOT SO MUCH THE MM.

You listen to Gurl she knows what she is takeing about

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:43pm
You are probably right. I'm just fooling myself. Thank you for responding so fast. I feel better just for getting it off my chest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:10pm
What do yoou mean by breeze thourgh the rules of EMA?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:20pm
You sound like a very brave woman!! I am also married to an alcoholic although he does not physically abuse me but sometimes mental abuse. I almost left him a few months ago but then chickened out. So I really admire your guts to be able to do that. But I did mention to MM that I almost moved out and that if I did someday, I would plan on dating. Because I don't expect him to change his circumstances because I am, he has never said anything even CLOSE to ever thinking about leaving his W and family, and I don't think I would want to settle for being the "OW" if I was single again. You deserve a full-time partner don't you think? Best wishes to you,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:23pm
I agree, I tell myself when my divorce is final I will end it. I hope I mean it because I know it will break my heart. Thanks for the response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:31pm
Well I hope you get thru everything okay!! And I hope you can find a really terrific guy to get your mind off MM, although I know that will be really tough. I guess I am kind of selfish, but I would probably keep MM on the side until I did find that other guy!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:00pm
I guess I agree with you because you made me smile. 1st time today. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:36pm
You're welcome!! Hope you have a nice weekend!!
xxxx