Someone slap me!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Someone slap me!!
7
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:45am

I need a dose of something today I think.

I have been feeling VERY positive about this whole thing with OM, calm ...almost serene :-) ...and very very confident about his commitment (ugh..should I even use that word?!) to us. No squirrels - all crushed and any new ones get splattered before their tiny claws can even raise a scratch! Sooo ...someone please slap me or verbally give me a good shake because the following is driving me NUTS!

A few weeks ago we were both invited, with our spouses, to a fairly intimate event. I have never met his W. He has met my H several times as my H knows we are friends. They get on quite well despite the odd bit of tension between them. The last time the 3 of us were together I picked up on a little jealousy on both sides ... not that either of them would admit it. Due to business reasons he thinks his W and I will at some point have to meet and he thinks in some ways that will then legitimise my place in his life. (Delusional, but he wants to keep his delusions!) Anyway, we spoke about the imminent invite to this event beforehand and ended up agreeing it was a really bad idea for us both to attend and that I would and he wouldn't (the event has been arranged for me so I can't really not go!). We both admitted there was a very reckless part of us that wanted to be there with each other. At this I event I will meet his Mother!! He has teased me relentlessy about this since (I'm very nervous) and is always the one to mention it. There are a million very good reasons why us both being there is a BAD idea ...Alcohol! The way we just are with each other anyway would give something away to any woman but add alcohol to the mix and well! I also am not sure I want to see him interact with his W ...ever !! Urgghhh! I am also aware that if there was a D day this scenario could make it much worse on both sides. Also, selfishly, I don't want to be on W's radar - he has enough issues with guilt without her obsessively possessive nature raising its head about his interaction with me. So he refused the invite as agreed ...twice!

However, me being ME, is soooooo pi$$ed off and resentful of him for refusing to go to the event!! I don't even know why he didn't want to go because he didn't explain why HE thought it was a bad idea! We just somehow agreed it wouldn't be because of alcohol! To add to it, he hadn't any plans for that weekend and suddenly he has invited a work colleague and his W to go round to theirs for the evening! I was irrationally gutted!!! I think I wanted him sat at home bored, wishing he was there with me, which is selfish and childish. I also knew that if he was he would be thinking about the event ALL night and I took some perverse pleasure in that! The work colleague scenario just hit me in the face with the reality of my real place in his life and boy did that hurt :-/ We have a very deep and substantial friendship of which I have never ever doubted and I am the person he relies on for emotional support more than anyone. I KNOW that, but I feel really insulted, rejected and hurt by it all and especially his invitation to his colleague. URGH! Its like everyone else is welcomed into his life with open arms except the person who supports him through it all! We have some big changes coming, I'm sure I will be posting about them, and both our heads are all over the place. We have agreed to take care with each others minds while we go through this and he has been lovely (and so have I ! LOL). This resentment has unsettled my serene feeling and I am fidgety and don't know why. HELP!!

Sometimes I have bizzarre thoughts that we should just let go of the personal relationship we have and pursue a friendship with spouses involved and let it become a legitimate part of each others lives. His answer when I mentioned that was ...'Get my mother on side and you're halfway there'. !!!!! He cannot be serious! Does he really think it can be like that?! Is he on the same planet? I am going to talk to him about it all but he won't talk by email - we have been burned too many times so its wait for face to face next week.

Ok ...verbal slapping begin!
Sorry - I really needed that off my chest!

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:32am

Wow Bird....certainly a lot going on for both of you! You said it yourself that being around each other and other women seeing the two of you interact would give something away. I could not agree more with that...women seem to have a sixth sense almost when it comes to picking up on underlying currents between people. Add to this that his W is posessive, and it sounds like it would be a disaster to try to all hang out together. Throw in there that both your H and AP have a little tension and jealousy between them and there is no good reason why you should try to be around each other when others are around...especially his W and your H.


I can completely understand that you wanted him to sit at home and mope around while you are at the party having fun. I know I like to think that my AP sits around thinking about me....but in reality it is not like that.

Know that while he has invited another couple over for the evening he will still in all liklihood be thinking about you:-)


No real advice for you here....no slapping either:-) Just be careful! I cannot imagine knowing my AP and his W and interacting with his family and stuff like that.

LouLou
LouLou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:43am

If you insist...**SLAP** :) Feel better?? LOL!


OK..man, so these types of situations are ones that CLEARLY go

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 6:31pm

Oh Bird! What a night that would be. I can imagine the fantastic feeling of flirting without people seeing, that powerful feeling of 'we know things that none of you know' and the sizzling that would be going on under the surface- man- addictive!


BUT (big and friendly slap here)- it would be a frigging disaster! No doubt in my mind at all. The W would pick up on it at about 10 paces my friend. As Lou said- women know their men and they know when they see something they want. If she is possessive, and jealous, its a recipe for disaster.


I think your AP is nervous about that, and to be honest I think he's right. If you guys have big things coming (cant wait to hear about that!), then maybe he wants to keep things as smooth and stress free until then. I think his ready decision to quickly agree not to go simply reflects his need to have some sanity prevail and his need for your A to go as long and as smothly as possible.


As far as inviting others over- I would have done the exact same thing. I often invite people over when I know my AP has something big on. Its the only way I can get through the night without obsessing about what he is doing.


Finally, seeing AP with W, or you with H, would be a lot to absorb- emotionally and mentally. Im not sure I could handle that part.


I think this is the right decision Bird, and I think he is actually showing his love for you by his actions.


Slap Slap Slap, Hug :)


You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 8:18pm

Thanks Loulou :-)


It's nice to know the crazy thoughts are understood by seemingly less crazy people than I! ;-) LOL


The interaction with his family is something that began 3 and a half years into our R ...instigated by him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 8:30pm

LOL !!! :-) ohh Kimber Kimber Kimber ...I soooo needed that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 8:39pm

IGS ....you made me howl with your big friendly slap. LOL :-) Yep ...a frigging disaster! LOL ...when you put it like that ...well ;-) ( **Bird now slaps self for being so utterly ridiculous!**)


I half wondered if he invited the couple round on that evening to distract himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 8:43pm

Oh and yes ....I do feel better ...combination of slaps, hugs and lots of laughs from you guys.