Something worth thinking about........

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Something worth thinking about........
8
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 1:25pm
The Life Of The Other Woman

She may be the kindest, and gentle woman you could ever meet, you most likely even know her, very well and are completely unknowing she is the one who shares your husbands heart, and bed. She is a nice woman, much like yourself. This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, which can't be discussed, not out loud, to anyone. It's the only part of her life for which she doesn't respect herself and it keeps her dismal, even when she's happy, because she knows whatever happiness she has is stolen and ill-fated. She's not a fool, nor does she portray one, even though she knows she's acting like one.

This woman you've come to consider a good and dependable part of your life, or your society. She's a teacher, a nurse, a retail manager, a social worker, a business owner, or an engineer. Maybe she's been your friend since grade school, your best friend, without revealing this part of her life to you because she suspects that even at your most understanding you wouldn't understand. You couldn't unless you've been through this and she is absolutely positive you haven't. She thinks she knows this, one thing she has learned is that nobody is exempt from the possibility of this happening. If one person could claim exemption, she'd be first on your list.

So she doesn't tell you, her best friend. You might look at her through different eyes, even worse, stop talking to her altogether, and that would devastate her. She's already consumed by the possibility of loss and will not add to it, even at the cost of not talking about the very thing that consumes her day and night.

Well educated, courteous, she was brought up by a loving functional family, she's not nor has even been "that kind of girl" or has she ever had to be taken across state lines for unjust reasons. Beautiful, funny, and considerate, she is completely committed to those she loves and that's one of the reasons this breaks her into millions of shattered pieces, One of the things she loves about this man, after all, is the way he unconditionally loves and endears those closest to him.

But, not her, he can't treat her as if she were really in his life, after all, she is not supposed to be. His factual life, you know the real one. If he were an emotionally mean or uncaring, she wouldn't have been drawn to him in the first place. Those aspects of his life he betrays to be with her are the very parts of him she would never wish him to compromise. So she understands how torn he is, how he feels like his heart is being stabbed with a butter knife, all the anxiety he experiences. He, too, is a decent person, except he fell in love with someone he isn't supposed to love.

Holidays are really hard, so is spring when the flowers bloom, as are winter nights as those are the coldest, summer mornings when the world is full of life, and long, early-autumn afternoons when she would kill to walk hand in hand with him. The phone, or perhaps the internet is her immortal connection to him and she has a million different ways of being reached in case a inch of time can be made just for her. She'll take any moment she can get, and that moment will be cherished. There are silly things they use to communicate what can't be said and never put into writing, they laughed at these in the beginning, but over time they have be come as serious as a heart attack. Almost a vital part of her being.

Maybe it will end when there is a accident and they are together, returning from a place where they never should have been, one of those treasured "stolen moments", having to make up lies to hide what everybody around them now suspects is in reality the truth. What if the lies are now what everyone belives to be truth? The experience destroys them, distorts what they had beyond any form it might have been previously, or shape it ever could have taken. Perhaps she goes to his kid's high school graduation ceremony and realizes that it's been 12 years already and that she could have had kids herself by now. But silently, painfully, she will celebrate his.

It continues. Lonesome nights, unbearable weekends, endless violations of everything she knows about how life could and should be lived, but they have loved each other for so long now, how can she not love him, how can she live without him? She starts to worry that he'll get sick or die and no one will tell her, and why should they tell someone so insignificant as herself? She really does not know him that well right? What about her last breaths? Who will be there?

She can't believe she has allowed this to be her life. Nobody else would believe it either, even the man whom she loves with all she is. It's a painful, emotionally exhausting routine. Nobody chooses this on purpose. This is not a defense for her, she knows better than you -- right from wrong. Don't judge her, and don't think you don't know her, and don't think she is not like you. She is.....and you do

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 1:34pm
Couldn't be further from the truth although I am sure it comforts some to think of us in this way.


RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 1:49pm
I have to disagree with you red. There are some ounces of truth in it and a lot of sadness, as it makes the OW out to be a rather pathetic character. And here's where we may agree. Pathetic, we are not. Sad at times, yes. One thing I have learned from all of this is that you have to be very strong, well grounded and emotionally stable to have a relationship like this. One thing my MM has done for me is make me stronger for it. And no matter what happens, no one can ever take that away from him or from me. I am a stronger more confident person by virtue of the whole experience. You need a lot of inner strength and a solid core. Possessing these qualities is hardly pathetic as this passage is portraying the other woman.


Edited 8/16/2003 1:55:12 PM ET by igottaluvhim
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 1:55pm
oh please....what some people won't think up to make the affair look romantic, and to make the poor OW look like some kind of martyr.

My mm told me the most romantic things, for just one reason...I was dumb enough to believe in him, and he enjoys having an affair. They all do.

The only way that you can believe that it is "real love," is if the married people actually leave and begin a new life with you. Otherwise, we are ALL being used. How many WSs actually leave? Why should they?

X

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 2:09pm
I don't think I am dumb for believing the romantic things MM says to me. His reasons for not leaving the M are the same as mine. It's not that simple to leave and move on. As for being used, there are four ways of being; a giver, a taker, a user or an abuser. You could be a combination of any of these. And don't forget, nobody uses or abuses you without your permission. I was burned many times when I was single, but I still believe in some people enough not to be cynical. If you don't have dreams, you don't have much.
Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 2:30pm
It's no wonder I love you!! Your strength keeps me going....

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 2:44pm
It doesn't matter what I think, if you think you have the love of the century, that's your choice. Time will tell if you were right, or if you are just another statistic. And as we all know...the statistics are pretty frightening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 2:58pm
You know, I came to this board before I began my A, when I learned of my H's (whom, by the way left the M for the OW, lol)...and frankly was surprised by how many were on the board. I lurked for a few weeks because I wanted to understand *who* the OW were. I came away understanding that it could be anyone.

I remember when I began my A that I would look around and realise a friend, neighbor, co-worker, a community worker - *anyone* - could be in an A, the same as I. It would probably be safe to say that 1/5th of the adults in this country have been in an A (and that's playing it "safe" with 20%).

And only a teeny tiny percentage of those either post or lurk on this board or the other few internet boards. That's alot of EMA'ers who most likely don't talk about their secret relationship to anyone (and some not even with their affair partner) and feel a lonliness for it. And as most here would likely agree, one can't really comprehend the why or how unless one has experienced an EMA. That can be a lot of feeling and thinking to keep bottled up, no matter how good or how not-good an EMA is.

My EMA is good and it is a real part of my life, but sometimes I *need* or *want* to talk about it. Thank heavens for this board, and thank heavens for the members, past and present!

Meow






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 2:59pm
IGLH, I agree with you that being in an EMA for any length of time will either kill you are make you stronger. My problem with the woman in this passage is that she is portrayed as a sniveling, helpless little creature consumed her whole life with the conflicting emotions of longing and guilt allowing her whole life to pass by waiting for something that she can never have until her last dying breath which she draws alone, heartbroken, and childless. I agree with you that we all go through bad times. As I tell my MM, nothing in life is free and that is the price of an EMA. All you have to do is read some of my posts to see my sadness at times. I guess I just try to put a more positive spin on what is happening with my MM and I. I also hope that when I start feeling like this, I have the strength to end it. I really couldn't see anyone being comforted by this except the W, who could gloat in this poor creature's misery. Perhaps I should have said "As this relates to my situation, it couldn't be further from the truth..."

Hugs

RH