Sometimes guilt outweighs the love

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Sometimes guilt outweighs the love
Fri, 04-27-2012 - 7:59pm

I ended it with AP today are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
Fri, 04-27-2012 - 8:46pm
So sorry you are hurting, what you did was very brave and unselfish. You are giving him something he did not realize he probably was looking for. You have struggled with this for a while and I hope the healing starts soon so the pain you are going thru go away quick.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 3:25am
Well, I think HE is selfish.
If he is THAT happy with his wife, why is he chasing another woman (you) ?? "Another woman ruining their lives"???? Ugh. I am sorry but this reminds me so much of my (x)AP and his wife and I think I'm mostly speaking for my xAP then , but if he is THAT unhappy and angry , he should be mature enough to focus on his wife only, and he should have stopped already a LONG time ago with putting YOU through this. For how long again have you been in an A with him?

YOU are not hurting them and their love, Kittery. You are a beautiful strong woman and I admire you , and the man in your life should cherish you

"The only time he is happy is when he is with her"......... grrrrrrrrr. Ooooooohhhhhh I'm sorry Kittery for venting but it would make me so angry if I would have heard those words. And upset of course.

Hugs to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2010
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 9:34am
I think it's understandable he may not have the strength to end this even though its best (as is most)...and very unselfish of you to take this leap for him. However, these relationships are mutual and we make our own choices.. Who was this that told you that?..almost sounds like they were purposely trying to make you feel guilty like the "bad guy" here. He is an adult, and maybe it would be better to have a conversation about this. Explain to him how your feeling and let HIM tell you how he feels, not a bystander. Let him know that you feel as if you should "let him go" based on your thoughts and feelings...let him be honest with you about the love and happiness he has with his wife.
Hope your doing well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 1:14pm
You are doing the right thing. That was very unselfish of you. You are a kind, caring woman don't ever change that. Too many ppl live their lives doing whatever makes them happy and not thinking about other ppl. Even if he's not strong enough to stay away from you. You stay strong and don't be a third party in their M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 4:50pm

Thank you ladies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 4:51pm

Nobody knows better about what's going on in their marriage except for them. Who was that person anyways ?

Like I said in my other thread, I also thought that they are happy and love each other, but apparently, things have changed. I suggested to break up, so he could work on it, but he refused. I would think that if I broke up with him, he would be suffering because of the break up and I don't think that this in itself gives someone motivation to work on the marriage, quiet the opposite. Anyhow, working on a marriage is a decision that should come from him, not from us.

Hugs to you !

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 6:18pm

Big hugs Kittery!

You are doing a very brave and difficult thing! It's going to be so hard to still see him and not cross those boundaries. Yes, I have no doubts that an A can ruin even the best of marriages. In the past month my AP had a terrible D-day. She found everything. Things that must have really really hurt. They are having one heck of a rough time right now. Really bad. I don't know whats to become of them; I guess time will tell. I know how hard it is, but count your lucky stars that there was no D-day! Hope you are doing well :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Re: Sometimes guilt outweighs the love
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 11:10pm

thank you again.  The reality is that I did indeed disturbed their marriage.  It is true he is the responsible for it, but I helped.  I know if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else, but I own my part.

I think the other part that I am feeling is that I still want him.  I am jealous that she has him, though I don't want him.  That he loves her.  That only she can make him happy.  That they are loving towards each other.

About D days, I caught my husband cheating twice and though at the beginning I was like the wife from thesmallthings' AP, I soon realized that is not a life I want to live.  I believe that if my partner wants to cheat, I will not keep him from doing it.  I refuse to be a prison guard.  IDK where my life is going.  IDK what I want.  However, I know that I REALLY want him in my life, but I also know that doing so hurts another woman. 

I am also trying to figure out what is my future.  Do I deserve to be loved after hurting so many others?

I am just hoping he respects the email, doesn't question it, hates me and moves on.