Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one..
4
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:04pm
I've been seeing my MM since October of last year and we IM during work, talk on the phone at least once a day, and try to see each other whenever we are able. He is enduring a separation but I am still married. My H is verbally abusive, not romantic, doesn't care about his appearance, is totally into himself and is just not the man that I married nearly eight years ago. There are so many more issues with my marriage I'm not even getting in to. My MM is everything my H isn't....but, then again, if he was I wouldn't be with him. He is sexy, romantic, funny, intelligent, just all around wonderful. Does anyone else ever feel like they are cheating on their MM whenever they have sex or spend time with their H? It's so strange, but I feel like that all the time. I've told my MM this and he thinks it is probably a very normal feeling. I'm so glad I stumbled across this message board. I'd love to correspond with any of you for support! Thanks...any feedback would be appreciative.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:20pm
Welcome to the board!

I can assure you that you are not alone in your feelings. I don't get to post often, with work, family, etc....but I do 'lurk' and read posts when I can.

I have been in my A for 3 1/2 years, and still have guilty feelings over my MM. Once MM and I became intimate, I became distant towards my H (we were having problems before, he was taking medications which slowed his libido to a snails pace....so once MM and I started seeing each other, I quit trying to initiate anything with H) I think in the last 3 years, we have had sex maybe 5 times...and each time, I cringed and cried...I know it sounds crazy. I also get very upset at thinking that MM spends time with his W, or that they are being intimate. Granted, it is now causing more problems in my M due to changes in my H and him wondering why I won't have anything to do with him. He says he worries and wonders, and I can't blame him. Yet, I play off that I am stressed, tired, my medicine causes the decrease, etc....but that has only worked for a while. He does question and it has caused huge fights and problems.

I sometimes feel I am too far gone, and I am just waiting on the end....because, I just cant bear to be with H and know it is only going to get worse. If I could give you any advice, it would be to try (as hard as it may be) to get over the guilty feelings, as they will only worsen as time goes by, and learn to enjoy both your M and MM. Sometimes, I wished I could be more like a man in the sense of how they can compartmentalize everything. MM tells me he can do that, I can't.

Good luck....I hope this helped some!

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:24pm
Hey noregretsyet and welcome to the board. Its normal to be feeling guilty for spending time with their own h/w. I too felt it a lot before in the A - slowly I have gotten into compartmentalizing my emotions that I am not guilty anymore. That doesn't mean that I don't think of the OM, its just that I have gotten better at dealing with these emotions. The sex part, I still haven't gotten around feeling comfortable with that - since I think of OM when I am with H.

Why are you with a verbally abusive H? My H was like that before - he has oddly changed for the better - when I gave him the utimatum two years ago - almost when things started to heat up with the OM. He kind of senses things between me and OM and tries to make up what things that were done before. maybe? I dunno. But I can tell my M is a lot more different than before. Oh wait, after a couple of days I probably will be back to my normal self and think what I the h%ll am doing in this marriage. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:26am
I appreciate all of your feedback. It is very hard to get over this feeling of guilt. I think it's because...no, I know it's because I don't want to continue being in this marriage. I can't stand the sex with my H because it's more mechanical than anything else. My MM is constantly hovering (so-to-speak) over me whenever I am with my H...can't get him off my mind. Thank you for being here for me....I am so glad to know that there are tons of wonderful, beautiful women dealing with the same situation I am. To know I am not alone is a great feeling. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:19pm
I feel exactly the same way -- not to be overly graphic, but sex with H has become "work", and he doesn't want to talk about Viagra. But MM! Now, here's a man who's ready the minute I walk in the room, if not before! Sex within the marriage seems to be falling under the law of diminishing returns...very few rewards for the effort.