Soul searching... not that sad about it!

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Soul searching... not that sad about it!
5
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 12:12am
I really wish my iPhone let me respond to existing threads.
Well...here goes. I did re-read my original post regarding my AP, and have done alot of thinking about what was said in the responses - I got on the defense. I know that you are all looking out for me and for one another, and that is why I lurk here so much. Since not many know about my A (only two very close friends), I really do need all the advice and input I can get, whether it is something I want to hear or not.
AP is taking me for granted, that is for sure. And since he is S, he thinks he can rub the Nicole stuff in and doesn't bother to think about how I feel. I should expect him to treat me better than that. And the more I think about it and look to what I have tolerated, perhaps it is my own self-esteem that is suffering. I need to take care of me. Be true to myself. And search my own soul. What is it that I want from this A? Well, since this is my
first A, I guess I am learning what I don't want. Why I went into this in the first place
was mainly curiousity, mingled with intimacy that was missing in my M. I do get sex with H, but it wasn't very fufilling and started to lose its luster. In walks AP...last summer we had more of an EA that turned to PA. He was different then, too. Nicole was not mentioned as much, nor did he feel the need to ever say he was not attracted to me. Come to think of it, he commented on a picture I had of myself on facebook and told me it was a "gorgeous" picture of me. This was last summer. We talked on the phone every
day, texted each other alot, and then he crashed and burned with guilt in August. By November, we were NC. I pulled back completely. Still saw each other at work, and then reunited in the
beginning of Feb. So now, this is like a totally different A. I gave him up, and now the addiction is
back...but this time, I know that I can leave the situation and I probably should sooner than later. I really do try to let him make first contact with me and need to let him know that I am not just "available" for a bootycall any old time he wants it. I like what Blue Belle said in her response to my other thread..."I think if you are content knowing that he is satisfied with sex and a good friendship (no love) then that is okay." I have been content. Need to dig a little deeper within myself and need to stop letting him get away with inconsiderate behavior because i do not deserve that. Maybe I do need another AP. Since I wasn't planning on this one, I am really
not looking for one (I know some of you have used AM, but I guess I am a little unsure about that).
So...continue to provide me with straightforward advice, even if I don't want to hear it!
Lexi, I will continue to post! I need you all and the encouragment you give is priceless!
Oh, and BTW, I did talk to him on the phone last night and found out that he did NOT
have the talk with Nicole...you were right!! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 11:44am
Hi Hearts of six - First of all let me apologize if my post was somewhat harsh yesterday - I was having a rough day too and so wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been.

I am so glad that you are going to stick around - and yes - this place is somewhere that we all are looking out for each other - and there is no sugar coating.

I am glad you are doing some soul-searching and thinking about what it is that you want in a A, and from your AP. Hopefully you can have a talk with him and let him know that you want more respect from him, and let him handle things with Ms. Nicole without having to tell you about it.

Looking forward to getting to know you better - and hear about how things go with your AP. Again - glad you're sticking around with us. It is so nice to have these boards when there is not someone in RL who understands what is going on.
LouLou
LouLou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 12:14pm

heartofsix...glad you decided to stick around. We all have to remember as we come to a message board such as this that there will be people from all walks, different backgrounds/beliefs and differing opinions. That's NOT a weakness, but a strength :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 7:27pm
Thank you for your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 07-25-2010 - 12:43am
Hi!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sun, 07-25-2010 - 9:07am

I'm glad you decided to stay Hearts. :-)

And I don't think he'll EVER have that talk with Ms. Nicole LOL.

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