spiralling out of control
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spiralling out of control
| Wed, 03-11-2009 - 5:23pm |
Hi all,
Where do I begin.
I have been involved in a EA with a single man for 15 months. He works on a project for my H and I.
He tells me he loves me all the time and we talk about everything. I am married for 18 yrs. Nothing wrong there, wonderful H. Something is wrong with me.

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I would suggest you go over to the EAS board and read the thread about D-Days. I would think twice about starting a PA - it will cause you all much pain.
hugs,
trixie
If you're happily M then don't tempt faith by fooling around with this man. BTW, is he M too? If so, then where do you supposed this all would end up? Can you imagine what will happen (not if) when there is a D-day?
Look, you're a M woman who is not in the market for a new mate. Stop sending this guy mixed signals and nip this disaster in the making in the bud. You may not follow or even understand my advice now, but someday (usually when it's too late), you'll know why.
>>>"I am married for 18 yrs. Nothing wrong there, wonderful H. Something is wrong with me."<<<
Then now is the perfect time for you to seek a professional to help you understand what's wrong with you.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
You want to know the best way to ruin a friendship?
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
First of all...you don't love him. You are infatuated with him. Get that part understood. What you are feeling about this man has nothing to do with real love (like what you have with your husband, for example). You have been married 18 years. Things get routine after awhile. Having attentions from someone else feels exciting, new, heady. None of which, by the way, has any basis in reality.
This man is a friend. He is also someone your husband knows, and from the sounds of it, you employ. Red flag number one. He's pushing you for sex. I know you think it's "making love". It's not. It's sex. Red flag number two. Warning, warning. Abort, abort.
I know that all of this seems so romantic and makes you feel so giddy. Fast forward through the giddiness to the reality program, and this is what you will see....lies to your husband, your kids, your friends, your parents, your siblings, everyone. Sneaking around for sex in places such as cars, motels, parks or (God forbid) your own home that you share with the man you are married to. Meeting in out of the way places, such as bars, to pretend to be having a real date, but can really only be described as a rendezvous. Feeling guilt and shame for participating in deceiving your husband. Fear that you're going to get caught. Fear when he starts to pressure you for more. If he pressures you for more. Which he probably will, since he's single. Either that or jealousy when he sees other women, which he probably will because, well, he's single and available to do so. Angst when you can't see him when you want. Having your life taken over by this entity which will now cause you to doubt your own dear husband. Feeling bad when your husband makes love to you, because now that you're possessed by the affair, you will be telling yourself the lie that your husband just doesn't have "it". You're already telling yourself that the EA guy "gets" you, which suggests you think your husband doesn't. Which, I'm sorry, but there's no way a guy that is just an EA "gets" you better than a man you've been married to for 18 years. He only sees one side of you. Your husband sees it all. Visualize the hiding of the cellphone records, the sneaking out to the garage or the basement or the bathroom or outside to call him. Having to turn the phone down just in case he calls you. Or, better yet, buying the secret cellphone your husband knows nothing about so that there is no record, all the while having to hide how it's paid for. Visualize the change in your behavior at home. Little things will now bug you because you're just so in looooove with the other guy.
Now fast forward to your husband finding out. Somehow, you slip up and are careless. He finds the phone. He catches you two swooning around a corner. He sees an email. Someone sees the two of you somewhere. Getting out of the car and heading into a motel. At a bar. Walking hand in hand somewhere you thought was safe. Any number of scenarios. Better yet....the guy gets pissed off and tells him. Or you get a real case of the guilts and confess to make yourself feel better. There is yelling, crying, outrage, sorrow, rage, bitterness. He wants a divorce from you. The kids find out. They feel betrayed, your husband is betrayed. The trust you had with him is gone. Your reputation is gone. Your integrity....gone. Maybe even your marriage, family and home....gone. And these are the good outcomes. The bad ones are that your husband freaks out and has a physical altercation with him. Charges are pressed. It's in the news. The neighbors know. The community knows. Your life as you know it is forever, permanently altered.
Or maybe you leave him and move in with Mr. Wonderful (a.k.a. Not My Husband). You discover that while you thought the grass was greener on the other side, that your husband just wasn't exciting enough, anything enough, now you see that this guy is really nothing more than just another man. He has flaws...many of which make your husband look like Prince Charming. Unfortunately, though, that door was closed.
Now tell me....what about this you find appealing? Don't do it. You'll be a fool if you do. I'm glad you came to this board. It's one thing to do something blindly. It's another to be warned by many. Your call. Hope you make the right one.
I thankyou so much for writing all that. It has helped me a whole lot. You are very right. It is all just sex, that's all he wants from me.
I could end up ruining my life. As things are it could still happen, because if my H ever found out we have had such intimate conversations, there would be no second chances, and for what?
We spoke today as if nothing had happenned. I don't know what his game is, but there is a game. He is preying on my inexperience and vulnerability.
But I let him and I have now become addicted to him.
I screamed at myself so many times after that phone call when I told him yes I loved him. I thought I was going to go crazy. How can you do this?, I kept asking myself, why am I doing this?
Thanks so much for your response
See? See how bad you feel, and all you've done thus far is say you love him. Which you don't. Like you said, you are addicted. Not even to him, but to the feelings that are accompanying his attention to you. It's very powerful...I know. But if you can find somewhere within you to really hear what we are saying there and not take this to a place you can no longer easily come back from, then for God's sakes, do it! I don't think there is anyone on this board that can tell you that affairs are good things. Sure, there are some that have affairs that work out somehow. They are FEW and FAR between, I guarantee.
You have not gone too far to stop this thing now. Forget about yourself for one moment and REALLY think about this man. He is working for your husband! Your husband is probably friendly with him, respectful. And his idea of repaying that respect is to make attempts to sleep with his wife behind his back. What does this tell you about his character? His values? His decency? I know it's real easy for you to romanticize this whole thing. We women do this. More so than men. To you, you probably feel like you're caught up in some love story. To him, he wants to nail the wife. I'm not saying that he doesn't have some sort of other feelings. He just may. But he's thinking with the other head right now. He wants to nail the wife.
The best thing you can do is back the hell away from this situation NOW. No more phone calls with him. No being alone with him. No talking about anything with him. Keep it professional. Shut it down. Picture yourself going downhill in a car very fast. At the end there is a brick wall. Do you keep going forward, heading for the inevitable smash up, or do you put the brakes on and stop such a dangerous catastrophe? Your call.
Thanks so much.
Is there anyway we could talk privately by email?
I am going to stop it. I am
Takingcontrol, i would say you are very fortunate to have come here on this board 'before' this guy could ruin your life forever.He is surely taking advantage of you being naive.Read here and EAS , A LOT.
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