Stay for KIDS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Stay for KIDS?
19
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 7:38pm
Do MM really stay for the kids if they aren't in love with the Wife...or is it a bunch of BS? Don't people stay because they WANT to be there, not because they HAVE to be?

I don't have kids...he says I can't understand how torn he is....even if I had kids I don't think I'd SLEEP with someone if I didn't LOVE them...but are men THAT different?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 7:52pm

Hi LLL,


I think this is really a hard question to answer... my MM once said... that unless you have children you will never understand... and having children... I actually do.


I think a lot of men remain in a loveless marriage because of their children... but then I also do believe that if a man can get the extra that he needs... then leaving his wife is not really a priority... if you know what I mean.


It really is hard to understand until you have a child of your own... trust me... I once said I would never stay in a marriage for my children... things have changed... while my marriage may be better at the moment... one thing kept me in it... my children.


There is always a for and against for this... and not one person can really be wrong when it comes to their own children.


luv and hugs


Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 8:21pm
So sweeet....

Should I believe him when he says he loves me? All he ever says is "Why didn't God let me meet you first."

A lot of HIS friends believe he will leave and actually ADVISE me to stick it out...but if I stay and give him the love he's missing, then he has no reason to fix things right? We have not had sex and I believe we will never cross that line as long as he is married to her. He says that IF we do end up together that I will be able to trust him completely....even though it's hard NOT to be intimate we are both VERY strong when it comes to that area. We have slept in the bed and held each other but abstained from crossing the line sexually. Staying away and not spending time together is our REAL weakness. His wife knows I exist and she knows when he's 'with friends' that he's with me. How can she not put up a fight if she really loves him? He says she's on the don't ask/ don't tell thing. That seems so sad to me--for everyone involved. I am able to be his friend and we express our love for one another all the time. But I know he will probably never leave or he would've already.

Questions: When is it right to leave a loveless marriage so that you can have love for yourself? When do you walk away from a marriage when your spouse really didn't change...you just know someone else is the person you'd be happier with?

When is YOUR happiness more important then others?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 1:16am

Hi LLL.


All very good questions you ask... and I'm not really sure that I can answer them for you, me or anyone else.


"When is it right to leave a loveless marriage so that you can have love for yourself?" The only person that can answer that one... is the person that is right there in it.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 9:52am
That's a tough question. The short answer is a resounding YES...people stay in loveless marriages all the time for the kids. I hate to sound condescending, but he's right, you have absolutely no understanding - and you can't - of how strong the desire is to to not screw up your kids by leaving. And it *will* screw them up. They can also grow and get past that, but it takes years, often, and it's not usually a helluva lot of fun in the meantime.

But, as I've seen in my circumstances and in observing others, even if you're fairly certain you're in a dead marriage and you want to leave but you're staying for now for the kids, people frequently will use that time as one last chance, one last check to see if it can be saved. So, he may be taking the emotional temperature of the marriage from time to time, too. So it *may be* something more than just the kids. But not necessarily, either.

Other people have a strong sense of duty and that's what keeps them doing what they're doing. His values may dictate that children not be raised in a broken home; that one doesn't commit adultery (although an emotional affair is just as adulterous as a physical one, in my book); that one does or doesn't do any number of things. And because that is so, he will do what he thinks is the right thing because of it.

Sounds like you may have to accept that for the time being, he's not moving out. And you have to decide how *you* feel about that. Can what you have be enough for you? Because you may never have more than what you've got now.

Lucky


Edited 9/25/2003 9:55:52 AM ET by luckyme814

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:08am
livin -- the question should be "when is YOUR happiness (not his) more important"?? from your post it sounds to me like you are very angry at MM for choosing to stay in a loveless M, with a W who knows about you, instead of him being with you and having a loving R. i think a lot of men take the easy way out and use the "staying because of the kids" (interchangable with "staying because of the financial situation") because they don't have to change their entire way of life unless the W or GF forces the change. obviously in your case, his W is not going to force anything if she already knows about you and he is staying right where he is.

so, again, the question becomes when are you going to make yourself happy??

just my 2 cents.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:10am
Staying for the kids is more than that in MHO. those are his children, people that he loves beyond anything he can ever imagine.and his marriage probably isn't really screwed up, just in a funk and they fell out of love over the years of raising children and sharing lifes stresses , which gets us all down and if we don't work at keeping our Marriages on top of all that, then it is easy to be pulled down. I think he is staying because of the children, and because he can't face the guilt for tearing their family apart. I understand that, because that is how I feel when it comes to my om/who is a MM. Be gentle and understanding, and if they are still having sex and sleeping together, it is more out of a gentle friendship than passion.

Hugs,

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:49am
Livinlovinlearnin I know where you are coming from I can feel your despair. I can understand why your MM is willing to stay in a loveless marriage for the children. I have been through the same emotions as you have been, why did my OM and I have meet this way, when we both are married or otherwise commited.

I have been to brink of separation and back because of some unfortunate circumstances that I don’t dwell on too much. When I wanted to separate and was planning for it my OM was always wondering if I was doing it for him. He wouldn’t take my answer at face value and always felt it was to do with him. I had been preparing for divorce ever since my DS was a year old. I have two children under the age of five. I went to school with a purpose and got a job with the very same purpose to find way to be financially independent before I decide to separate. I worked towards that goal paying off tuition loans, credit card debts and car loans. I was ready to be free but somehow all that planning to get out went down the pipes and remains a pipe dream.

Now after H and I reconciled, I am reluctant to make the separation move for I will lack credibility with H. If ever want to resume the separation route, I don’t think he is going to take me seriously ever again. Plus I am not emotionally ready for it after all I have been through enough messes and troubles in this year. I am so tired of fighting to get out, I just want to be live peacefully without and more trials and tribulations. You can say I am emotionally and physically exhausted to get on the road again, so as to speak. I don’t how long I will be comfortable with keeping up appearances and getting long with my life as it is now. I feel that emotionally I am in a limbo I cannot FEEL anything right now. I don’t have the strength or the will to get out. So I guess I am staying because it is in my comfort zone and in the interest of my children to stay in the marriage.

And its not all that bad, H is trying his best to make up for his mistakes in past. I am trying to make most of it and trying to appreciate his efforts. It’s a little too late to fall back into love with him, but we are not fighting or yelling at each other if you know what I mean. Something died in me long time back and I doubt if I will ever be the same person I was when I got married. But who knows, only time will tell.

As far as OM goes, I cannot give him what he wants - my freedom. That’s why I am been pulling away from him as I feel he should find love again and be happy. He deserves and owes it to himself to find love when he is ready for it. And who know he might find the girl he been looking for if I don't show up too often, ya know? I feel guilty for coming between his ex-g/f and him. I tend to think they might have broken up because of me, although my OM won't say that to me. I think it unfair for him to be involved with a MW who cannot offer much than a affair although I love him. I know both of us don’t want it to be just in an A, we want something more than, but I am afraid that might be impossible at least in the near future.

Sorry for rambling off like that and writing up a book. LOL I guess you post touched a nerve with to say the least. Its hard isn’t it that you know what you want but circumstances won’t let you get there. Maybe there is some hope for ppl like us I like to believe so as I am an eternal optimist . LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 3:59pm
I think it's just a matter of how a person is programmed.

My own situation is very different (neither myself nor my MM wants to leave our spouses at this point in our R), but you know what's weird? I was actually *more* adamant about never cheating / never leaving my H before I had a child two years ago. Now that I've found someone who's such a soulmate to me in my MM, I'm more open to the idea of *not* staying for the sake of my DS. One of the life lessons I want to instill in DS is the fact that you can only share happiness and joy by having them yourself. I believe that it's incredibly selfish to raise a child in an unhealthy environment like an unhappy marriage. Children are awfully bright creatures, regardless of their age, and I personally want my DS to *sense* my happiness at being in love and want it for himself someday -- even if it's not with his biological father. I wonder how many kids grow up in homes where the parents stay unhappily married for the children's sake, and the children absorb not only the negativity and drama, but also feel "responsible" for being the tie that binds?

The societal and moral pressure to "do whatever it takes" for the family, though, is extremely strong. People want to do what feels good and right to them, but also please those around them. No wonder your MM is torn! Not everyone has quite as liberal a take on this topic as some of us...and saying all this and practicing it are two very different things. And I definitely think that for some people, and probably for many MMs, staying is easier than making such a huge life change. At least it's what's comfortable, IYKWIM.

JMO!

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:01pm
Very good input.it just EATS at me to know how unhappy he truly is and stays so that "everyone else in the family will live a happy life".

He says that if they don't KNOW he's unhappy then he must make the sacrifice for the kids. As much as I admire him for that, it also makes me lose a little respect in a way. I believe that she feels the same. Financially she's set with him and it's 'safe'...but I know they aren't "IN LOVE"....I don't doubt they love each other.

Funny thing| His parents stayed married for him and his sister. Divorced immediately after they left the house. Now the 2 divorced parents are remarried to their true loves and all 4 hang out together.

I want to tell MM to ASK his parents if looking back if they are content with decision to stay for the kids or if they wish they would've done it when they were young enough to ENJOY MORE TIME with their TRUE LOVES!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 12:17am

Here's a thought LLL... I wonder would spending time with their 'one true love' mean more than watching a child grow up????


I'm not trying to be mean... but no matter what happens when two people separate.... amicable or not... one will always miss out on those special times spent with children.


One reason I chose to stay in my marriage was that I didn't want to deprive my children of that special relationship with their father... life at home isn't perfect... but it's not that bad that I need to get up and walk away.... if you see what I'm saying?


As I said before... there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere inbetween... your MM might not be as unhappy as you think he is.


luv and hugs

Sweet
Community Leader My Affair Support
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Sweet
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