Stay for KIDS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Stay for KIDS?
19
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 7:38pm
Do MM really stay for the kids if they aren't in love with the Wife...or is it a bunch of BS? Don't people stay because they WANT to be there, not because they HAVE to be?

I don't have kids...he says I can't understand how torn he is....even if I had kids I don't think I'd SLEEP with someone if I didn't LOVE them...but are men THAT different?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 4:13pm
TRUE LOVE is what you make it to be. Sometimes even love is not enough to make a relationship tick. You need to anticipate other needs and put their feelings in perspective. Like Sweet said if you are parent you are always thinking "is this the best I can do for my children?" Finally what matters when all said and done in life is whether you were a successful parent NOT whether you were sucessful personally. You could be a wealthly old man but its not helpful if your children are upto no good. You always want you children to acheive higher than what you have acheived and if you are making decision based off that, you will be hesitant to make hasty moves that might haunt you in the future. Also have you given your MM enough reasons to believe that you are serious about the R? Just talk and no action is not good. It only leads to false hope and dissappointments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 4:21pm
You wrote: "Also have you given your MM enough reasons to believe that you are serious about the R? Just talk and no action is not good. It only leads to false hope and dissappointments."

What do you mean by this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 4:36pm
Well, being serious my friend, is letting him know in real life how you REALLY feel just like the way you having been doing on this board. ;) I am sure he will apreciate it. :):)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 5:35pm
I have been VERY explicit in my feelings and have sobbed in his presence that I can't be 'with' him the way I want to. I have literally BEGGED him to let me go and he flat out refuses. He doesn't stalk me, but he says he will not give me up--meaning our friendship. I have let him know that me being in the friendship will halt me from moving on...and he says he knows how selfish it is of him but that he loves me and is stuck in a rock and a hard place because of his boys. I have no doubt he loves me because I see the way he looks at me..I FEEL it in my bones. But I know we will never be able to be together because he made a promise to someone else before he met me. All I can do is TRY to appreciate the time I can spend with him and TRY to get over the fact that I can't be with the love of my life.

I KNOW I will meet someone else and I know I will be loved again...but I can promise you that noone will ever have my heart the way HE does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 7:14pm
I am pretty much in the same situation. I am S with kids. MM has kids too. If it were not for the fact of his kids, he would have D his W a long time ago. One of the qualities that I admire the most about him is how devoted he is to his kids. He knows how committed I am to our R and I have been very supportive/understanding in the efforts he has made to try to make his M work. His W if unstable and abusive and will not go to counseling to try to improve things at home. In this situation, I do believe that it is harmful for the kids to see how volitile things are at home and I think they would be in a better homelife if there was a D. Although he has not said as much, I believe that he does not want to be the one responsible for "breaking up" the home and filing for D. She will not file, she has no motivation to file. As long as she has the kids to hold over his head, she can pretty much do whatever she wants to. JMO if you can repair your marriage and provide a loving stable home and good example of a healthy relationship for your kids, then yes stay for the kids. But if one or both of the spouses go through their childhood "comfortably numb", what message are you sending the kids. Don't you think that they will mirror this type of dynamic in their own relationships? If the marriage is abusive or volitile - it will most definitely affect their perpective of what a relationship should be.

Just because parents divorce, does not mean one parent has to miss out on the children's lives. Each parent should be equally involved in what the kids are doing. With the way that custody and visitation laws have changed, it is possible and encourage that each parent participate equally. Some states even adjust child support with the amount of time that the non-custodial parent spends with the child.

No I don't think that as parents we should just do whatever we want to as long as it makes us happy, but there comes a point when we do have to have happiness. If we as individuals are miserable or unfulfilled, this will inevidably pour over into our parenting skills. My kids are the best thing in my life. I am very active in everything that they do. My XH is a less than a weekend parent (he lives 10 minutes from us) but that is his choosing as I do not hinder his participation. I advise him of every activity, the kids can call whenever they want to, I am flexible with visitation and have told him he can drop by the house anytime he wants, he is free to go to the school to have lunch with them, etc. He just chooses not to do it. This is something that he would have done even if we had stayed M. He just did not want to sacrifice his time to be with them.

Your MM does not have to be this type of father. If his W tries to prevent or hinder the amount of visitation, there are remedies through the court. Actions such as this may even give reason for the court to change primary custody (I have seen this happen). Another thing, does MM want custody of the kids?

Sorry that some of this was venting, but more for discussion right.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 9:24am
LLL, I gotta agree with some of the others. MY MM's youngest child is 19 and my only child is 22. Without being told, I think I understand why he stays. He loves his family. He is committed to them and their well being. I have no idea if he is in love with his W or not. I am only guessing, but I think that he loves her, but no longer in love with her. He has told me that he is not getting what he needs from his M. That he never has. That he married too young before he knew what he really wanted in a R. I think his M is tolerable and that he has turned to me to give him what he is missing. Same as he gives me what I am missing in mine. Would he be happier with me? Who knows. I would like to think that he would be. I don't know his W, but from what I do know of her, we are vastly different in everyway. She was his teenage sweetheart, has been married to him for 30 years, stayed home and cleaned his house, cooked his meals and raised his kids. I, on the other hand, have an all-consuming and stressful career (MM is one of my co-workers)and sometimes work so late that all I can do is grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's for dinner and crawl into my unmade bed! Would he be able to settle for that after being waited on by a TV-mom for 30 years? I highly doubt it! How could he just up and leave her now? He has been honest from the start that he never will. I think that he is comfortable, if not happy,there with her. So, on we go as usual, and grab little moments of happiness with each other whenever we can.

To summarize my mad ramblings ('cause you really got me thinking), I think men do stay for the welfare of the kids and Ws. Some are in a comfort zone that they are not willing to give up. As many here have said, they have the cake and get to eat it too. As long as the OW is ok with that, the EMA can be a happy, thrilling experience. As you can see on this board, when the two start wanting different things or one lies to the other about the direction of the EMA, things get ugly fast. I comend your MM for his honesty with you. It may not be what you want to hear, but at least he isn't leading you on.

Good luck and hugs

RH


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 5:03pm
The hardest part for me is knowing--and I have HIS friends tell me constantly--that he's unhappy and that she doesn't really love him. Everyone's opinion (except mine since I don't know her personally) is that she is comfortable and is there for the $$. They don't sleep together---(and yes I am smart enough to know he could be lying)---they don't even sleep in the same bed together.

I SEE the torn feelings....I FEEL his frustration. I can handle if I never have him by side, but I have a piece of his heart.

Sometimes I think I should end it for HIS sake....so HE won't feel torn. When I have tried to end it he says I am taking away the on;y true joy in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 5:57pm
LLL, OMG you and I are living the same life!!!! I only wish I had some words of wisdom to make things easier for you or shed some light onto the situation. Hang in there and just take comfort in the fact that you can come here for empathy.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 7:51pm
I have read all your posts and I swear you could be me. Is your MM from Indiana? I know exactly how you feel - I was blindsided by this guy. I'm a smart girl - why would I do this to myself? I gave it six months and by then if he wasn't working on getting out of his marriage, then I decided I would be done with it. Here it is six months and I did let him go. The hardest thing I've had to do that I can think of in recent memory. Tears fell on both sides but it had to be done. I mean I can't be second best, side action, or a dirty little secret for an infinite amount of time. It was getting harder and harder to look in the mirror. Plus, the longer it went on the more I thought he was just having his cake and eating it too. I was thinking less and less of him. The only reason I met him in the first place was because he assured me he would be at least out of the house and separated by August and by the time school started for his kids. Since that didn't happen, I just kept thinking that he'd made a fool of me and that I meant nothing to him. Actions speak louder than words and his actions weren't backing up the words.

One thing I'm struggling with is the friendship aspect. He had become my favorite person to talk to and vice versa for him. I promised I would be his friend for the long haul. But every time I'd try this, I'd just get pissed at him again for not getting out of his marriage. I don't know how to take my heart out of it. Plus, I'm not sure that a MM and a single gal should even be friends, ya know? Especially when we've been "down there". That promise I made makes me feel like I went back on my word. I just can't be friends with him right now. Has anyone backpeddled like that?

I don't really have any advice for ya cuz I'm just dealing with the no contact rules I set just recently. I do go to Dr. Phil's website - there's a page on there that deals with "dating a married man" and I read it all the time to give me strength. Maybe that will help you.

MM has the distinction of being the only man I've completely fallen in love with in my 30's (I'm almost 38 now)and the best kisser of my entire life! I tried to date someone else while this was going on and the poor guy didn't even get a teensy weensy bit of my heart - no matter how hard he tried. Or how hard I tried. Another reason I had to let MM go. Unless there's NC, there is no moving on. At least that's what everyone says. So I'm giving that a shot.

Why do I still dream of him, still hope for him, still want him in the worst way? And I know without a doubt he feels the same way towards me. It effin' hurts with or without him. I'm choosing without now. I have to.

I wish you the best and hope it works out how you want it to.

ILLE

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