A's as a step in D process.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
A's as a step in D process.....
5
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:24am
For some of us, I think A's are one step in the direction of breaking up a bad marriage.

Divorce is a multi-step process. When we decide our partners are not for us, we have a whole "list" of things we need to start taking care of before we file those papers.

Now that I think about it, I was definitely on the "prowl" for awhile. I never, ever came on to anybody. But for the past year or so, I've been quite flirtatious with other men. I kept getting crushes all the time. It wasn't until MM came on to ME that I let my guard down.

Now that I've taken that step and allowed an affair to start (and now flourish), I've starting doing the next steps in ending that relationship. It wasn't until I started the A that I got serious about taking the necessary steps to divorce. I'm not one to be dramatic or make waves...quite the opposite. So I have to deal with this slooooowly. It hasn't been until the A that I have 1. Figured out what I need to do financially to stay afloat 2. Broke it to my H that I have been unhappy in M and brought up the D word.

I don't know if I would have been brave enough to take those steps without the A looming over, screaming "You dummy! You need to get out of your M!!! C'mon now, hustle!!!"



Wow, this is way cheaper than therapy... ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:34pm
You are SO right. I don't know if I would have had the courage to truly walk out (although I said I was going to) without MM there to back me up. My sister calls that "co-dependant", I call it support. Of course I had known I was unhappy and I had always been faithful...until MM came along. With him behind me I got up and left...finally. Having him there afterward made the whole process easier. I never felt alone which was my biggest fear. Financially I am screwed but MM helps out there sometimes, too. The funniest thing is that my best friend said "when I found out you were having an A, I knew you were serious about leaving H because you would have never started an A if you were planning on staying with H"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:35pm
my affair is an exit affair for my MM. His wife is leaving him when the kids get out of school. She has had a big hand in finacially ruining him. And he is drowning in debt. He told me he doesn't want his kids to think that another woman is the reason they are getting a divorce. He has not had contact with me for 8 days now. I hate it. I am divorced and just loving him every minute of the day. I know he has to get all his stuff together for the separation from his wife, but he is not treating me like a loving man if he can't even call. I feel like he takes my love forgranted. I realise he has to be scared of the future. But who isn't?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:56pm
I had Shakespeare with this lovely girl... smart, dark hair, dark humor... my kind of girl. Just never made a move, despite our always chatting before and after class.

I had been married three years and was really pretty unhappy, but would have never done a thing about it. Then I ran into her one day (as I seem to about every two years) and she was soooo sweet to me. We talked over an hour on the street. Ended the conversation with the most perfect light touch on my arm saying, "It was so good to see you. Wish I'd been more forward in college with you before you were married, we could have really enjoyed some time together."

And *that* was the first time I thought "I am so unhappy. What on earth did I do to my life?"

Two weeks later I met the OW online and become friends. I don't know how it all works, but a friend who just got married told me their planning person told them to never, ever say the D word. That once it was a spoken possibility, the chances increased. So yes, I think maybe having an A makes you start to believe you might be ok alone, that you might in fact flourish when left to choose your own devices.

Not to mention it helps to have someone saying, "Please, come to me and let me worship you in the way you deserve." Hey, it might not work out, but it sounds a lot more inviting than, "Is there ever a night you're not thinking about sex?" or "I don't really want to talk about the day, I just want to undress and watch TV for a while."


For Rainbow... 8 days with NC is hard. Hey, I can't say much really, my OW was 2000 miles away for the first six months of our R and we only managed 3 days NC. But I do know that from my own experience if he is dealing with separating, when he calls you contribute at least some pressure (and you do, whether you mean to or not, even if you're totally silent; that's just the way it is for us MM who are leaving, I think.) So he'd probably rather have one single pressurized event at the end of NC than a daily pressurized event.

I heard this some from my OW as I've been leaving the house. She wanted to know why I wasn't over there more, etc. Yeah, ideally he should call, but again... lots to deal with for him. It could be slightly taking love for granted... or you might consider he has some confidence in where he is with you and is just so overwhelmed that he has to be ok with that. Just my two cents.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:11pm
Garden, you have a valid point in your post. I wasn't really looking when I met the OM and he is not the reason to make my marriage disintergrate. In fact, he has been influencing my H these day and H is not the man he was lets say two years ago. He tries very hard to please me these days and sometimes I wish he wouldn't try so hard. Its not that H is a big bad bully just wired differently.

Now to take steps to separate - that has happened before met the OM. I backed out of it because I was financially dependent on my H. So can't say A really made me to take a step towards the D.

I don't know if my A or this board is therapy, but it is what I need now. I don't know if its cheap... considering I pay a lot for cable bill per month which is twice as much as my co-pay for seeing a cousellor with my insurance.. LOL




Edited 4/7/2004 3:15 pm ET ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:19pm
I met my MM 7 years into a marriage that was very much less than ideal (H is verbally abusive) and he provided some much needed attention and comfort. Right now he has transformed into a wonderful and remarkable FWB. I couldn't ask for more right now, nor will I. I've fallen in love with him....haven't shared love with H for a very long time. All I'm asking from him during my D is a shoulder to cry on and his ears to listen to me. He is the field of counseling, so he REALLY listens and gives excellent advice...without really giving it, you know. He aks me questions and I talk things out with him. It's a wonderful thing. He is helping me to rediscover my inner-greatness - LOL. Whether or not our romance lasts a lifetime or just a few months, he will always be very special in my heart. I owe him such a great deal.