A's as a step in D process.....
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| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:24am |
Divorce is a multi-step process. When we decide our partners are not for us, we have a whole "list" of things we need to start taking care of before we file those papers.
Now that I think about it, I was definitely on the "prowl" for awhile. I never, ever came on to anybody. But for the past year or so, I've been quite flirtatious with other men. I kept getting crushes all the time. It wasn't until MM came on to ME that I let my guard down.
Now that I've taken that step and allowed an affair to start (and now flourish), I've starting doing the next steps in ending that relationship. It wasn't until I started the A that I got serious about taking the necessary steps to divorce. I'm not one to be dramatic or make waves...quite the opposite. So I have to deal with this slooooowly. It hasn't been until the A that I have 1. Figured out what I need to do financially to stay afloat 2. Broke it to my H that I have been unhappy in M and brought up the D word.
I don't know if I would have been brave enough to take those steps without the A looming over, screaming "You dummy! You need to get out of your M!!! C'mon now, hustle!!!"
Wow, this is way cheaper than therapy... ;)

I had been married three years and was really pretty unhappy, but would have never done a thing about it. Then I ran into her one day (as I seem to about every two years) and she was soooo sweet to me. We talked over an hour on the street. Ended the conversation with the most perfect light touch on my arm saying, "It was so good to see you. Wish I'd been more forward in college with you before you were married, we could have really enjoyed some time together."
And *that* was the first time I thought "I am so unhappy. What on earth did I do to my life?"
Two weeks later I met the OW online and become friends. I don't know how it all works, but a friend who just got married told me their planning person told them to never, ever say the D word. That once it was a spoken possibility, the chances increased. So yes, I think maybe having an A makes you start to believe you might be ok alone, that you might in fact flourish when left to choose your own devices.
Not to mention it helps to have someone saying, "Please, come to me and let me worship you in the way you deserve." Hey, it might not work out, but it sounds a lot more inviting than, "Is there ever a night you're not thinking about sex?" or "I don't really want to talk about the day, I just want to undress and watch TV for a while."
For Rainbow... 8 days with NC is hard. Hey, I can't say much really, my OW was 2000 miles away for the first six months of our R and we only managed 3 days NC. But I do know that from my own experience if he is dealing with separating, when he calls you contribute at least some pressure (and you do, whether you mean to or not, even if you're totally silent; that's just the way it is for us MM who are leaving, I think.) So he'd probably rather have one single pressurized event at the end of NC than a daily pressurized event.
I heard this some from my OW as I've been leaving the house. She wanted to know why I wasn't over there more, etc. Yeah, ideally he should call, but again... lots to deal with for him. It could be slightly taking love for granted... or you might consider he has some confidence in where he is with you and is just so overwhelmed that he has to be ok with that. Just my two cents.
rain
Now to take steps to separate - that has happened before met the OM. I backed out of it because I was financially dependent on my H. So can't say A really made me to take a step towards the D.
I don't know if my A or this board is therapy, but it is what I need now. I don't know if its cheap... considering I pay a lot for cable bill per month which is twice as much as my co-pay for seeing a cousellor with my insurance.. LOL
Edited 4/7/2004 3:15 pm ET ET by julietsfate