still hanging around

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
still hanging around
7
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 8:31pm

I haven posted for a long while. Me and my AP were on the outs so to speak he is recently divorced and I am still M. We have been on and off for 5 years now. He has acted like typical newly D man. And I let him, I said you want to be free, be free. I have really been into myself. I thought our relationship was over, I mean we are not "offically" together any way but for months he wanted sex and I said no be free. He did not like, he dated others I know because two weeks ago we got together. He was under the weather, I nursed him some, no sex, just talking. And he gave me the speech about who he saw what he was doing, he tells me he is selfish and asks me about my M. Why does he need to tell me this??? I listened without judgement cause I pretty well knew what was happening. 6th sense I guess. We kissed and I left. I still love him. What is wrong with me? Not sure? Though all of this we still talk everyday without fail. I'm not sure where this is going but he is not seeing anyone else now and we are gravitating toward one another again, suppose to see him again. I don't really care anymore, I miss being with him physically. I know I'm just weak. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 12:35pm

Coca - You are not weak, you are addicted.  Same here! Frown  I found it interesting that AP got D and you did not.  Its the opposite in my case.  I don't want to live the single life though as this is my 2nd time D.  During my 1st D I was still reeling from my AP dumping me when we got found out, and I jumped from relationship to bad relationship trying to replace either my H or my AP.  Thats how I ended up marrying my new H so quickly (and then things went sour).  I have my MM now and he's sort of keeping me honest inthat I don't want to be unfaithful to him.  It's so convoluted and unhealthy, but my heart is with him and I have no desire to go looking,

It sounds as if your AP misses you--you DID try to cut things off, but because you still talk to him each day, you have left the lines of communication open and therefore are still giving him the impression you are interested in his life and care about him..which you do.  I'm definitely not one to give out advice, based on my mess, but the only way I got over my other xAP was to totally go NC.  It was very difficult because we talked every day as well, BUT he was also 4 1/2 hours away, so when I did decide to go NC, it was do-able.  I guess you have to decide if you want to go back to seeing him and juggling both lives.   Now that he is single, you don't want to leave your M or you can't leave?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 4:04pm

AP did'nt plan on the divorce. His W left him, he was in an accident and injured. W handled the finances, she let the house go and left him last year. He basically lost everything because he let her have everything but a few personal belongings. He told me that he wasnt ready for a RL relationship and I understood. Yes I could have divorced but he was not making any promises and I took my resources and returned to school which is something I have wanted to do for a long time. I felt it was my time to do for me, something I didn't get support from H to do ever and now that my kids were out of the house I could do while AP regrouped. We have gone NC from 09 till 11 after my DDay. It was quite miserable for me and I guess him too because he was the one to want to stay in contact again. I did too want to stay in contact, I missed him and it felt that something in me was dead or dying without him. I do care, we both do but I also told him I dont want to juggle the two lives anymore. And he is still in process of trying to get another home and everything else so I want to give him that space. Its just complicated and difficult. : (

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 10:45am

Coco ~ I tried several times to respond over the weekend, but my phone...ugh!

You are not weak at all!  As a matter of fact, you are quite strong and are doing the right things...taking care of you and going back to school.

That was quite brave of you to tell him to be free.  I would have questioned why he felt the need to tell you any of it. 

There is nothing wrong with you.  You love him.  Can you be with him physically without the feelings getting in the way?  It is a possibility and not a bad thing.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 7:25pm
Lostbutnotfound- I have just in the last month felt strong enough to be with him and not let my feelings get in the way. He had asked me to be with him once a month for 4 months until he stopped but when we saw each other recently we both wanted too. He was just not feeling well and there was a time issue. Yes I love him but I love him enough to know that unless he is committed as much as I am it will not work. And I don't want to force it. I mean some of it is the fact that he just got out of a 20+ yr marriage. My question is why does he feel the need to tell me either especially when he wants to be be free or so he says.
Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 10:44am

It's hard when you love someone to make it just physical.  I struggle from time to time with it, but I do my best and that is all any of us can do. 

I wish I knew why he feels the need to tell you.  Maybe he is conflicted or he wants to see how you react.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 10:01pm
I think its his way of keeping our relationship pure. i think that since he was married at 19. he is not ready to settle down but he wants to with me when he does so its honest if he tells me about what he is doing. he knows i dont like it but what can i say im still in my M? That is my theory I may be wrong. I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Sat, 03-30-2013 - 3:46pm

Ap and I were together last week and it was nice. I managed to separate the feelings a little as we talked and I told him I tried to get him to move on and he said he didnt want to and he was not going anywhere. lol I feel better anyway.